Friday, April 06, 2007

Hometown Proud

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my beloved homeland of Cincinnati, home of the first professional baseball team, where our men not only throw like girls...

they dress like them.

"why did you move pretty much out of the hemisphere?" at:

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Don't GoDaddy

You may have noticed that my email signoff now directs you, Springy Reader, to my Drink to the Lasses address. This is in the interest of consolidation and advertising and because Bob Parsons is a total chauvinistic piggyman.

Bob Parsons is the CEO of, the original registrant of my BlondeChampagne email address. Bob knows what the kids want these days! Bob is all about being mega-edgy. Bob has a motorcycle, and an earring. Bob is of the opinion that what his customers want is a product marketed via wet t-shirt contests and, when he takes the high road, bikini pageants. Well done, Bob-- you're a credit to the gender. advertises with a very angry but fully clothed woman at:

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


My sister had about four bridal showers. Due to scattered friends and no life, I have maybe a quarter of that to look forward to, and was feeling momentarily frowny about this, because you can never have too many rounds of Wedding Bingo.

Until! The palm tree photo frame arrived! Along with the mixing bowls!

The delivery address on my registries is my parents', which meant that yesterday my mother and I had the following conversation:

MOM: Two presents came for you yesterday.

ME: Screeeeeeeeeeee!

MOM: The Pyrex mixing bowls and the palm tree photo frame.

ME: Screeeeeeeeeeee!

MOM: (Long pause.) Do you... know somebody named "GrammarQueen"? And... "college gal"?

And then I realized: I am getting multiple bridal showers. One of them is virtual, that's all. People I never met are sending presents for me to open, and I'm not even under indictment or with a fever of a hundred and four, plus I still don't have to invite them to the wedding and attempt to have an actual conversation with actual people. I thank you, GrammarQueen and college gal, for rocking most, most heartily.

To recap: We now have three (3) mixing bowls, and one (1) swaying palm photo frame, and one (1) sewing machine, which may or may not wind up destroying the marriage. So now I can sew and mix things, and then proudly display pictures of whatever it is I crappily sew and mix.

Checking the "fulfilled" list also prompted me to change the cappuccino maker, again again, because for once I happened to check the guest rating function, and the most recent review under the machine we'd chosen read: "It worked great until it exploded." Well, now I know not to try to fly with the thing. It's probably next on the FAA Banned List-- CO2 cylinders, gels, and steamed milk.

now serving little tiny sandwiches with the crust cut off at:

Monday, April 02, 2007

Say It Twice

You guys.

It's my favorite time of year...

Ten Commandments season!

Most of you are probably familiar with International Talk Like a Pirate Day. We totally need to make Passover the International Talk Like You Are in Ten Commandments Day. Participants must adhere to the following guidelines:

-Single-sentence conversation is not permitted. Information is exchanged in five to seven minute monologues only.

-Taunts are empty without an accompanying cape flourish.

-List. List a lot. God does not have the corner on bullet points. If you're ripping on the chick who's after your man, do not simply dismiss her as a ho. She grates garlic on her skin, her lips are chafed and dry as the desert sand, and she has sheep stank. Be bold and be cold, y'all.

-Distress calls may be issued only as "JOSHua!"

-Imagery is good. Bad imagery, preferably laced with a pickup line, a Super Bowl-style introduction, or stentorian smackdown, is better. So it's not "Thank you," it's "You bring a warm smile with your cool water." And it's not "No, yo' momma," but "This woman drew me from the Nile and set my feet upon the path of knowledge."

-Pronouncements are best delivered while flinging something, preferably a large stone tablet, or beads from a loom with an arm shaped like a snake.

-Use the word "obelisk" as frequently as possible.

-Only shiny fabrics may be worn. Unless you're bringing down boils on a nation. Then, stripes.

I will dwell in this land at:

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