Thursday, July 07, 2005


You won't let this stop you, either.

Prayers to my GB audience, all... one of you.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Jump In the Line

If you have two (2) breasts and you can't pick up a guy in a line for a midnight Star Wars showing, then you are a sad, sad specimen of Womanhood. I'd like everyone to meet the replacement for both Abdul AND Josh the Pilot:

This is quite possibly the first time this person has touched a woman since, I don't know, birth. Please note my crown, as I am Princess Cardboard, Lady of the Quarter Pounder, who recognizes that true royalty carries a windbreaker.

To the blurry-eyed, my new friend’s T-shirt says “Han Shot First,” a reference to this travesty of Star Wars historical revision. We shall not discuss his fanny pack.

I was disappointed in the relative non-spectacle of my Revenge of the Sith experience. Outside of the requisite Dude With Darth Maul Face Paint, the only true moment of "Oh man, I can't believe I'm sharing oxygen with this" consisted of the Obi-Wan Kenobi I saw wandering around the projection booth eating hot wings, which… tended to diminish the whole super-mystic Jedi Knight thing.

The only other massive display of social ineptitude en mass beamed in from the radio station broadcasting from the movie theatre. The host would move down the line with his microphone:

HOST: And what’s your name?

DORK: Keith!

HOST: And Keith, who are you supposed to be?

DORK: I’m Darth Vader!

HOST: Look at this guy’s cape, everybody.

It was the first radio show requiring visual aids ever. I was STANDING IN FRONT OF IT and it was still the worst thing I’ve ever heard. This includes last week’s phone call from a student informing me that he could not hand his final paper in on time because—and I quote—“there was a homicide at my apartment complex and the cops aren’t letting anybody in or out.”

The weather that night was very windy, which tends to happen when one is standing at the top of a staircase 1.1 millimeters from the Atlantic Ocean, but it also felt as if it were going to rain, so I checked with Josh the Pilot, who minored in aviation weather, or some such thing, which sounded most impressive until he revealed that one of his classes, “Current Weather Systems,” consisted of hanging around the radar watching blobs of green move across, like, Maine. That is correct: He received college credit for sitting around and talking about the weather.

But it paid off in one moment of meteorological glory, as it allowed Josh to explain that the air was very unstable.

“This line is unstable,” said Flipper.

I miss the line. Now we are left with naught but all kinds of wonderfully marketed toys for small children, which is a very excellent thing when a PG-13 movie is involved. I expect to see the Kellogg’s Vader Volcano Krispy Bod in my grocer's freezer at any moment.

Competent Official College Professor UPDATE: Today’s grammar lesson went extremely well until I announced that the students should “never be using passive voice.”

split infinitives at:

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