Friday, October 31, 2003

Stand aside, boredom!

The wackiness, she does emerge here at the Graph Paper Paradise on Halloween. Clearly, we are having some fun now.
I have shed my Jedi robes for the day and entered the Horrible Elevator as the kind and darling princess maiden I truly am each and every day of the year. (For those of you constantly barraging me with email ordering me to post a picture of myself in a very sleev-ed dress, knock yourselves out.) Later this evening, I will emerge on the mean streets of BlondeChampagneville as a Jedi dance-hall girl. If I close my eyes and stretch out with my feelings, I can feel the alcohol flowing through me.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

The Incredibly Dangerous International Space Station

Regarding recent reports and general hand-wringing that the ISS is "unsafe":

People. IT'S A 100-YARD LONG OBJECT ORBITING THE EARTH AT 17,500 MILES PER HOUR. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAVE CHILD-PROOF CAPS. What are we supposed to to, pack it in bubble wrap?

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

I can't believe I didn't think of this first.

It's time to declare my very, very favorite candidate in the Democratic Presidential field: Wes Clark. Wes is a forward-thinking kind of guy. Love his ideas. LOVE THEM.

If Wes is elected, he would like to defer our foreign policy to the UN, and you know nothing but good can come of THAT.

You know what I like about the UN? The UN ALWAYS knows what to do. If somebody kicked the UN in the groin, the UN would break into discussion groups and pass eighty-seven resolutions before announcing that yes, this is a somewhat painful experience, and then call up nineteen subcommittees to give itself permission to sink to its knees and writhe on the ground, where it would remain as the guy who kicked it in the first place stomped around Europe destroying windmills and big things made of marble. Outside of the Nevada Gaming Commission, there is clearly no better ruling force for the United States of America.

In response to 9/11 and other such frowny things, Wes would like the UN to Officially Define Terrorism. Because flying jumbo jets of innocent civilians into skyscrapers is kinda a grey area. We have to be sure about these things. God knows that as we watch flames bursting out of various government buildings, we certainly don't want to mislabel the people who did it. It'll be linguistic chaos! Some people over here calling it terrorism! Some people over there using "an act of war!" Reuters referring to it as "an alternative use of lunch hour"! We just can't have this!

Email Wes' biggest fan at

That's Life

"Being an eighteen-karat manic depressive and having lived a life of violent emotional contradictions, I have perhaps an overacute capacity for sadness and elation."

-Frank Sinatra, who clearly knew I was coming along

Email The Chairwoman of the Board at:

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Glenn Beck re: Larry King

"When Larry King Live finally gets cancelled, how am I going to know if Angie Dickenson is still alive?" Or what kind of fashion statements Merv Griffin is making?

"And, hundreds of nude women on display. Next at eleven."

This was actually the commercial lead-in for the news the other day. Oh, honey, got class? Why didn't the anchor just go, "I'll be ripping the still-beating heart out from the chest of the weather guy and eating it before his anguished eyes live on the air, next at eleven"?

It was a story about some artist (coughcoughpervertcoughcough) in New York City who amassed all these naked women in Grand Central Station to take their picture. He did not pay them, but, on the up side, Helen Thomas was not present. Also, now you know why I get all my news from Drudge. He's less sensational.

As always, I am left with many questions:


You know what, no I'm not. Nothing surprises me anymore. As my lawyer friend Flip (not Flipper my rollerblading partner-- totally different hair, totally different genders) said last night, "When you can't trust the herion dealers anymore, who can you trust?"

Flip also wins the competition for being the first reader to accuse BlondeChampagne of sounding suspiciously like a porn site. You're not too far off today, my friend: Prize is a photo session with Pervert Grand Central Station Guy. Enjoy.

Monday, October 27, 2003


You can officially stop asking me about Pete Rose now, people. When I make new acquaintances who find out I'm from Cincinnati, this is the first thing they'll say: "Ohhhhhh.... Pete Rose, man."

Why is this? When I meet someone from Dallas, I don't shake my head and go, "Dude, way to assassinate Kennedy."

Pete is in the news again in typical Pete fashion: for doing something stupid. He's made a concerted decision to get away from all the betting by.... buying a racehorse.

Oh, and we're not stopping there. No we are not!

Quoth his trainer, Bob Hess: "(Pete) told me that once he’s a manager in baseball again he’ll own lots of horses and try to get his players into it, too."

I LOVE this idea, Pete. This is just a top-notch plan. NOTHING can go wrong here. NOTHING AT ALL.

I am gonna start telling people that I grew up in Omaha.

Email the very pale, very poor author at:

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Although in Boomer's defense....

he did just use the world "galvanized" in reference to a locker room controversy on CBS's pregame show. Deion Sanders: "What does 'galvanized' mean?" Boomer had to give him a visual aid, linking his hands together by the fingers: "It means 'coming together,' man." This has been SAT Words In Reference To the NFL With Deion and Boomer.

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