Wednesday, October 29, 2003

I can't believe I didn't think of this first.

It's time to declare my very, very favorite candidate in the Democratic Presidential field: Wes Clark. Wes is a forward-thinking kind of guy. Love his ideas. LOVE THEM.

If Wes is elected, he would like to defer our foreign policy to the UN, and you know nothing but good can come of THAT.

You know what I like about the UN? The UN ALWAYS knows what to do. If somebody kicked the UN in the groin, the UN would break into discussion groups and pass eighty-seven resolutions before announcing that yes, this is a somewhat painful experience, and then call up nineteen subcommittees to give itself permission to sink to its knees and writhe on the ground, where it would remain as the guy who kicked it in the first place stomped around Europe destroying windmills and big things made of marble. Outside of the Nevada Gaming Commission, there is clearly no better ruling force for the United States of America.

In response to 9/11 and other such frowny things, Wes would like the UN to Officially Define Terrorism. Because flying jumbo jets of innocent civilians into skyscrapers is kinda a grey area. We have to be sure about these things. God knows that as we watch flames bursting out of various government buildings, we certainly don't want to mislabel the people who did it. It'll be linguistic chaos! Some people over here calling it terrorism! Some people over there using "an act of war!" Reuters referring to it as "an alternative use of lunch hour"! We just can't have this!

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