I can’t ask God for anything anymore.
I can’t ask God for anything anymore, because whenever I complete a silent petition voices in the back of my mind screech “Let us pray to the LOOOORRRD HEAR OUR PRAYYYYYYER!”
Have you heard this during the intercessions at a Mass near you? Have you realized how stupid it is? We interrupt ourselves, for God’s sake. I bet God takes special pains NOT to hear our prayer. I bet He flips on the Packers game.
Yet the overly-efficient “Let us pray to the LOOOORRRD HEAR OUR PRAYYYYYYER!” is less than a drop in the great
In high school, I was forcibly enlightened by the PC-Jesus version of “Let There Be Peace on Earth”, which substitutes “Neighbors all are we/Let us walk with each other/ In perfect harmony” for the traditional “Brothers all are we/Let me walk with my brother/ In perfect harmony”. Look, I went to a women’s school. Brothers were hard to come by. I wanted to walk with as many of them as POSSIBLE.
It was also about this time that I was delighted by “Song of Gathering”, the refrain of which contains the line “... the Father of all, let it be.” The last time the refrain is sung, however, the words are changed to-- surprise, children!-- “... the Mother of all, let it be.” I’m sorry, but if God is a woman, menstrual cramps and pantyhose would not exist.
What is the origin of this celestial crap? I have heard arguments that such music befits the spirit of Vatican II and serves to make The People to feel better about ourselves as Catholics.
The main problem with this, of course, is that we’re Catholics. We’re not SUPPOSED to feel better. About ANYTHING.
The other problem is that-- and please don’t misunderstand me, for I don’t wish to offend anyone-- this music sucks. My friends and family are under strict orders that, should I have some sort of tragic reaction to E coli Night over at the Ponderosa, they are under no condition to use any piece of music from Glory and Praise Volume III at the Requiem Mass.
For Bad Church Music can strike anywhere, at any time. No one is safe, not even the Pope, who, I imagine, has been unable to escape a few renditions of “Yahweh, I Know You Are Near” in his time. BCM exists in the following categories, each of which contains actual songs found in your local Gather hymnal:
SONGS WHICH MAKES CONGREGATION APPEAR AS IF IT HAS SUFFERED SOME SORT OF IDENTITY CRISIS AND IS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT IT IS IN FACT GOD:
“I Am the Light of the World”
“My Peace I Leave You”
“I Will Be With You”
“The Water I Give”
“I Am the Resurrection”
“Turn to Me”
DUH SONGS:
“Jesus Still Lives”
“God is One, Unique, and Holy”
“Love One Another”
CHURCH SONG THAT IS ALSO A POSSIBLE PICKUP LINE: “What Is Your Name?”
SONGS THAT HAVE APPARENTLY BEEN WRITTEN WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES:
“Come to Us, Creative Spirit”
“The River Will Rise”
“Great Things Happen When God Mixes With Us”
“Run Deer Run”
“I Saw Water Flowing From the Right Side of the
“Many Are the Light Beams”
SONG THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD NAME FOR A HEAVY-METAL BAND: “People of the Night”.
POSSIBLE THEME SONG FOR JOHN TRAVOLTA AND THE SEVENTIES IN GENERAL: “We Who Were Once Dead”
SONG I WOULD LIKE TO SING TO KELLY RIPA: “Song of Farewell”
You'd think Jesus would want to rock out better than this.
whole note at: mb@blondechampagne.com