Monday, June 12, 2006


You guys, you guys! I found my wedding dress!

Can I afford it? No. Am I getting married? No! But lookit! It's my wedding dress! Princessy sleeves! Long twirly skirt! No tags! Or collars! I've refused jobs because the uniform was a polo shirt! My priorities are completely and totally in order!

I am what you might charitably call "un-tall," and finding the proper dress is vital. Too much froo-froo and I will appear as a tulle-encrusted Rose Bowl float as I make my way down the aisle. This was the problem with Charles and Di; by the time she hauled her Kansas-sized train up to the altar, she was exhausted and there was nothing left to fight off Camilla. The woman simply didn't think. How was she going to bustle all that mess? How was she supposed to dance to "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" at the reception hall in that thing?

See, wedding dress selection is very, very important for single women. We may not have a fiance, or a boyfriend, or a male-named topical storm in the area, even. But we do have a tiara on backorder. I also have the table themes, color of the bridesmaids dresses, location of registries, and first-song choice done. Still undecided on the bouquets; they will have to match the boutonniere, so perhaps the groom will have say in that. Whoever he is. Not really important.

what about the d.j. at:


savannah the college student said...

Ooh, so pretty! I've probably worn a dress like twice in my life (and no, I'm not a tomboy!), but if I had to wear one I'd want it to look like this. How can you not feel regal and romantic in that?!

2xgtld said...

Don't have any idea about the groom... middle of the night talks with JTP... Anything you need to share, MB? All of us are sympathetic ears...

2xgtld (traveling across this wide country of ours and sympathetic to issues of need and security!)

Dantelope said...

Dear JoshThePilot:

If you are not prepared for marriage, I recommend you buy a good pair of Nikes and run, Johsh, run!.

If you are prepared, then my God man, look at this freakin' dress!. You best go tell your boss to up your payscale.

Also, when the time comes, heed this advice:

- always have an opinion even when you don't, and make sure it coincides with the one she has.

- she's not always right, but you're best not to let her know, especially in front of anyone

- when seating assignments come up, take a sudden and long vacation. you don't want any part of that madness.

- make sure you thank her for dreaming up the most amazing wedding ever. she's been planning it since she was old enough to remember a dream.

- do not, under any circumstance, talk about the wedding dress after the wedding is over (other than to say how pretty it was). it will remain in a box of some sort and take up ungodly amounts of room in a basement or closet. just leave it alone. leave it alone, man.

If you decide to run, run far away. She's got a lot of readers who know your face. Don't think she won't find you here in the states. :-)


Anonymous said...

Dantelope, you silly, I'm having it copied by a seamstress to save money. $1600 for a dress I'll wear exactly once, come on. I'll pay no more than $1400.

Anonymous said...

This may not be a Princess Di dress, but it definitely suits Miss "Princess Leia" MB!

Halcyon said...

MB, you're right - a seamstress is the way to go! My dress was simple so it cost me a mere $150. My seamstress can do that dress with any other detail you want for probably $400 :-)

Halcyon said...

... except that I - and my seamstress - are in California, and that would be kinda hard for fittings. IF you were getting married ;-) Are you?

Anonymous said...

Noooooooooo, halcyon, I am not getting married. In the immediately forseeable future.

I have a feeling that I could fly you AND your seamstress here to The Swamp and she can make the dress while you and I sip mimosas and it will STILL be cheaper than getting rigged up at one of the salons.

amy lou the reader said...

Love the dress, mb.

My dress was a total accident. After trying on several that didn't quite fit right, the clerk brought out one with some beading and a really long train.

"No," I said. I didn't want anything that complicated. Just simple, plain fabric, please.

But they (the horde of women I was with) told me to try it on. "Just humor us," they said.

It fit like a glove, and I ended up buying it.

Also, when you do get married, I would love to make the invitations for you...or anyone else that happens to be reading this.

I'd offer seamstress services, but then you'd end up with a pillowcase or something. Sewing was never my strong suit.

Carrie said...

No worries MB, if you come back to Cincy for the eventually will happen wedding, I've got a seamster for you.

TAMAR said...

My dress was purchased by my best friend for her wedding that never ended up taking place. It sat in her closet for 2-3 years. When it came time, (we were doing the wedding on a shoe string budget) She mentioned said dress to me, and I tried it on. Originally I just planned to check it out to try to figure out what I wanted. I put it on and....Ooohhh! (women reading this will probably understand that sentiment)

It fit beautifully, all I had to buy was the petticoats. I went to rent them, and the store was going out of business. Gee, you can rent them for $20, OR you can buy them for $7. What do you think I did?

Thanks to a wonderful family, we had an absolutely gorgeous wedding that cost us approx. $1000. WE LUCKED OUT!!

Everything fell into place perfectly. People still come up to us and tell us that it was the greatest reception they've ever been to. Alot had to do with a concious decision once the day came, to just relax and enjoy it. THE 'funest' thing ever was twirling in my dress (had to get a breeze in there somehow:)

Sorry for the length, but I really needed something to smile about today.

MB- GORGEOUS dress!!! What does the back look like?

Anonymous said...

Aw, fun topic! So many happy brides!

Thanks, Shapiro. That's a help. Mercy did not cover wedding dresses when I took Clothing Construction.

Tamar, if you click on the link in the post, you can see many pictures of the dress... including TWO of the back :)

And, Amy Lou-- I'm holding you to that invitation offer, chiquita.

Gina said...

I have no reason to believe I'm getting married any time soon, and yet I have memberships on and a few other wedding sites. You know, just in case. Because, I like to pretend.

red pill junkie said...

Nice dress. Very TOLKIENish in fact, so it comes as a surprise for me since we (your long time readers) already know you didn't like The Lord of the Rings much in the first place...

Laney said...

MB, I could so see you in that dress with your golden flaxen locks curled ever so gently around your face and with a simple yet ornate elfin tiara! Sorry, was that creepy? Well, you would look awesome in that dress. Go for it!

Dan, You forgot the most important phrase for marriage..."I'm Sorry". Well, that is the most important phrase for the man to know anyway.LOL

Audrey said...

you can HAVE my dress if you change your mind about that one since it only gets cold enough for sleeves in FL for about 3.2 seconds. I've got it stored in the closet because I can't bear to get rid of it but what in the world am I going to do with a wedding dress?? Let the 3yr old play dress up in it? Ha! Maybe I'll be a bride with a gaping head wound for Halloween- if I could get my fat butt zipped & buttoned (darn 50 zillion buttons!) in it again but I don't want to get fake blood all over it, so there it sits in the closet and waits.

red pill junkie said...

laney, I thought the most important phrase was "Whatever you say, dear"!! ;-)

Ponderin Jim said...

Eyes glazed dress blog post...must not foam at mouth.

Do you XX chromosones types get issued wedding dress cravings with your ovaries or are you pulled aside in health class to instill this stuff?

I'm going back to reading "Women for Dummies" and "Cathy" then hoping for enlightenment.

joshthepilot said...

Dantelope, I have no intention of running from such a wonderful woman as MB, especially since despite her blondeness and princess tendencies she does not expect me to fork over outrageous sums of money for one-shot deals.

Tamar, when the time comes we will definitely be looking to you for advice on how to pull off an inexpensive wedding! I understand you're definitely an exceptional case, but I've heard $5000 is a realistic goal, and I want to keep it in that ballpark.

Last of all, concerning having opinions and "I'm sorry" and all that crap, I love you all, but you have no idea about our relationship... suffice to say there's a reason I'm sticking with her!
Okay, enough about our personal dealings...

thebuxomwench said...

Very pretty dress and very funny irony-filled post ;).

Ponderin Jim, naaah, not all XX types envisage bridey stuff from birth ... I always wondered what my one-day hubby would be like, not the wedding. When I met my now hubby, I took one look at him and just knew he was the one, "Ah", my heart said, "There you are" and here he remains. No amount of frilly weddingy stuff can compare to the wonder of that discovery in itself :).

Dantelope said...

Dear JoshThePilot:

Although you will summarily dismiss my advice because you believe you know MB better than anyone, I will give it to you anyways because, well, I'm an egotistical type.

Actually, I'll give it to you because I said exactly what you said when I married The Significant Other (TSO). I met TSO when I was 15 years old and we've been together exclusively since then -- 20 years. We've been married for 10.

Now, the problem with your theory is that you are, in fact, not married. You see, once married and living together full-time, things change.

Despite popular opinion, this is not something specific to husbands and wives. It goes with any group of people living together -- the longer you're together, the more time you have to see all of them.

So, you can summarily dismiss my advice. But I hope you don't. Because one day you'll remember this and know that I was right.

Strangely, if someone told me what I just told you back when I was 24, pre-marriage, I'd have said "go **** yourself, buddy". So I won't be mad if you do.

Rachel_K said...

Yay! The dress is fantastic! FYI I got my $1500 designer dress on E-Bay for $575 so please exhaust all possibilites. AND we did our entire wedding for $4300 - honeymoon included. Lovely choice.

thebuxomwench said...

PS: I'm STILL laughing at "there was nothing left to fight off Camilla", rofl.

Ya just might be on to something there!! ;)

Jenib said...

MB, that is a very lovely dress. I thought I was the only person who hated polo shirts or anything with a collar. I have no neck at all and those styles look awful on me and start sliding down my back after a few minutes wear.

I made the mistake of taking my mom with me to shop for a dress.(Note to impending brides: shop alone. Your friends and family will increase the total sale by hundreds) I started out looking for something very plain and classic(preferably cheap), maybe a few pearls around a modest neckline-no fru fru please...

And ended up getting coerced into this formal ball gown with hand sewn pearls and imported is gorgeous but so not me. The head piece and veil ended up costing just about what *my* budget for the dress was. I have no clue what happened to Mom once we hit that store.

I let a friend borrow it last year to renew her vows. During the steaming, two holes melted into the bottom of the bodice. I still have not told my mom.


P.S. Laney-that was a bit creepy. LOL

mike the longterm reader said...

I've learned it's best to stay out of the bride's way when it comes to wedding planning. When the big day comes for me, I'll have only two requests:

1. that the priest shall say "husband and wife" instead of "man and wife," and

2. that he shall say "as long as you both shall live" instead of "'til death do you part."

Both of the amended phrases have seemed to become standard in the wedding oath, so perhaps I won't have to bother. But as much as I favor tradition and anti-PCness, I find I like the revised versions more than their traditional counterparts.

And that's all. Everything else is just gravy. For all I care, I could be holding a parasol.

(For those of you new to the MB oeuvre, that's quite possibly the oldest in-joke there is.)

Of course, I'm nowhere near that day, considering I'm still missing a few vital components to a successful marriage, chief of which is, well, a bride.

Oh, and MB, I can DJ the wedding. My year-and-a-half at the mighty 'VFI have to count for something, since radio stations around here won't touch me with a ten-foot pole. But I digress.

Attitude Amy said...

Just strap a couple of "Honey Buns" over your ears and you are set for a wedding and a Star Wars convention. You should have no problem hiding a lightsaber under that thing.

May the Force be with you on your wedding day and at the convention, Princess Leia.

Ruby Rose said...

Oh thank goodness - i am not the only person who, without the aid of any romantic involvement WHATSOEVER has planned her wedding.

Apart from the fact that I am a professional event manager (I do graduations - or maybe they do me - the jury's still out on the predator/prey vs symbiosis thing) and therefore cannot help myself...for my sins in a previous life, I am a singer. A classical one. As in, I organise choirs and solos and things for weddings. And oh my, standing up in the organ loft of a church, you get tutorial after tutorial in how NOT to do it.

My theory is: (and apologies to anyone who had a tasteful wedding) - once that rock goes on your finger, the Taste Gland Removal Fairy comes in the night and that's it. You suddenly think spending A$200 on a QUILL PEN to sign the register is a NECEESARY LINE ITEM IN YOUR BUDGET.

So: plan now, defeat the Fairy later!

And me and my mate Melinda here at work spent a good five minutes sighing over That Dress. Oh. Oh My.

Still hoping one day I'll see mb's and JTP's wedding photos here one day

Alexandra in Australia

Anonymous said...

It's a good thing to have a dress picked out in advance - aka before other people get involved - because once the bridesmaids get going, you can end up in G-d knows what. They will erode your will and you will end up with lace and taffeta and netting and petticoats. I still hate my headpiece and veil with the heat of a thousand fiery suns, but it was better than more shopping with my matron of honor.

Anonymous said...

anon: Hee!

My personal favorite: The maternity wedding dress. In white.

Alexandra, you can sing at the wedding. We will put you on a plane with The Buxom Wench, who shall serve as our Australian travel agent for the honeymoon.

Josh, we can plan the entire wedding just using the talents of the commenters! I have the best readers ever. Are there any priests out there?

red pill junkie said...

Will it be a catholic priest, a lutheran, or shall we settle for a good old rabbi? :-)

BTW My personal favorite wedding dress was the one used by Kim Basinger in "My Stepmother is an Alien"! :-p

PS: Will Ewan Mcgregor be usher?

Jcat2323 said...

All this talk about weddings, and no one has mentioned cake! (Which I am currently starting to do part time, by the way. You really could get everything you need from your readers.) Especially when mentioning overpriced items. The cake is usually right up there with the dress, and takes about as much time to find or design. Though you don't have to worry about it gathering dust in the closet for years since it's pretty much gone by the end of the night. Except maybe the top tier, which is traditionally saved (frozen) for the first anniversary. I never understood that. Year old left over cake does not sound good to me.

joshthepilot said...

Yes, babe, it definitely looks like we might be able to pull this off with only the help of BlondeChampagne fans! Y'all are awesome!

Dantelope: Thanks for the advice, but let me keep my head in the clouds (where it is anyway when I'm flying lol) a little while longer...

Mike, I like your adjustments to the traditional phrases, and I am probably as traditional and anti-PC as you. Also, you can have the DJ spot, as long as you keep in mind that it's OUR wedding, not yours, unlike the DJ we experienced at a wedding last fall. Apparently, he thought he was supposed to be the center of attention instead of the newlyweds, and he completely took over the reception and made a very fine mess of it. Ok not a mess, but not very enjoyable! My point is, keep us the center of attention, and we'll be happy to give you the job.

RPJ: No, Mr. McGregor can't usher, because I want Tink focused on ME!! lol

thatsnutty said...

Best Wedding Store EVER...The Dollar Tree! No, seriously, I pulled off my wedding for that magic number 5000 (Including a three-day honeymoon in Sin City and a bridal shower). I made favors, found church decorations and serving trays, utensils, etc. all from stuff found at the local Dollar Tree. The best part was when all of my family's rich snobby friends told me that it was the most "elegant and classy" wedding they'd been to. If they only knew...

Most overrated wedding planning issue: seat planning. Dude, let people sit where they want and avoid forcing people to have awkward conversations with people they barely know. (And this way you don't have to fork out for place cards)

red pill junkie said...


what's a "bridal shower"?

The Larry Flint in me is thinking of something really naughty :-)

thebuxomwench said...

Wee-hoo!! Tim Tams and Caramello Koalas for all ;) !!

Ruby Rose said...

Done! Very pleased to sing at your wedding, in the happy eventuality that...

Hey - now I can say that I have an international profile!


Maybe it will get me the Verdi Requiem orchestral gig (at present I am readying myself for a second audition - or sing-off - with Another Soprano - winner gets the big scary fabulous (paid!) orchestra gig - loser gets the piano-only (unpaid) gig).

*ahem* So, Ave Maria and Panis Angelicus then?

At least if you have a religious service you won't ask for something with Lyrics You Have Obviously Not Listened To - I have been asked to sing "The Rose" for weddings. Eeep.

Saving for airfare both to Europe AND the US now - mb and JTP, you have until October 08. :)

Anonymous said...

RPJ, bridal showers, I'm afraid, aren't as fun as they sound. The wedding party (the female side) and a bunch of other girls get together and they all give the bride presents. Then everybody plays stupid games and eats little sandwiches.

The bachelorette party, on the other hand, is a bit closer to what you're thinking.

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