Tuesday, May 30, 2006


I think it says good things about America that Taylor Hicks won American Idol. It was a smug moment when he drubbed KathElectra McBoobs, with her duct-taped behind and her shiny, shiny hair.

I was especially glad that Capt'n Spazzalot won, because I... I... voted. For him. I interrupted my life to help determine the outcome of reality TV programming, and there's nothing for it now but to find an enclosed space, park, and turn the key.

Well, the victory of Taylor made it worth it, a little, because here's a person who was almost passed over for the show, who made the whitest attempt ever to kick over a microphone stand mid-performance, who approached the competition as though it had just jacked his '82 Volvo.

I say this even though I hate with a grand, wide hate his new single, the lyrics of which involve the words "That was not me," which I never ever want to hear in a piece of popular music, unless the singer is denying paternity.

Taylor, despite an alarming propensity for referring to himself as--I'm quoting directly here-- "TayTay"-- is far more likable than Katherine, whose most prominent feature was her father, who always managed to have pools and pools of tears ready to go whenever the camera was focused on him. Why exactly this made me squicky inside, I cannot say; it normally tears me apart when men cry, but during the finale, when McDad was all, "She... takes my breath away!" all I could think was: Woe to the unfortunate man attempting to woo her from Daddy's house.

And I guess I wasn't alone in thinking this; at KathElectra's "hometown party" on the night of the finals, the camera zoomed in on the host and the other two people who happened to wander into the frame. Both people had signs, as all good party people do, but the signs were all exactly the same size and bore the name of a Los Angeles radio station. Somebody had a Sharpie-and-glitter promo party!

The entire Top Twelve was a glorious representation of non-glossosity; it included a Hobbit, the reincarnation of General Custer, every used car salesman in America, the love child of Mr. Clean and Mr. Miyagi, and the USS Nimitz. Now that is a nation comfortable with its tacky, Chia Pet-purchasing self.

Taylor is America, after several drinks, because, see, when he missed that microphone stand, he just kept kicking at it until it fell down. Were that we all so persistent. Or sad. I'm trying to decide.

The Catholic Church really hates women, again, some more.

welcome noah at: mb@blondechampagne.com


mike the longterm reader said...

"American Idol" sucks.

But Katherine McPhee is pretty hot. I've got McPheever, and I hate the show.

I suppose the fact that there's a winner means it's over now, thank God.

Dantelope said...

I'm not ashamed to say that I absolutely love American Idol and have watched every single episode that ever aired EVER.

I *am*, however, ashamed to admit that I, in moments of pure mental trauma, may have fired live rounds into my television set when The Hobbit didn't get voted off round after round.

Why, god, why? Why did they let the freaky eyebrows stay? What is wrong with you people????

amy lou the reader said...

I loved American Idol. I voted for Taylor.

Couldn't stand Katherine.

dantelope, I didn't vote for Kevin. Trust me. But every season has to have that one guy who seems to have wandered past the auditions and been snatched up by the producers just because he happened to be in the right place at the right time.

But I think Mandisa was awesome. The outfit in that picture was, in a word, ghastly. Horizontal stripes on a larger girl do nothing to flatter the figure. But she had a voice...

Cbell said...

I love Mandisa as well... and have had the opportunity of meeting with her and working with her. The lady can sing... and she really does have a heart of gold!

Anonymous said...

I am so glad to hear that about Mandisa. I was rooting for her and thought she sang really well in the finale.

Dantelope said...

MB, don't get your hopes up that Katherine will be forgotten. As many other Idol contestants who haven't won have showed us, sometimes not winning is a blessing in disguise and can make you very successful.

I think she'll be a huge star once the image machine gets ahold of her.

fiestacrafter said...

MB, I've been a lurker for some time now, but I just had to comment on this post. Taylor rocks! He wasn't the best singer this season, but he was the best performer. Now if he can just get away from the AI machine and do some of his own stuff!

Anonymous said...

fiestacrafter, welcome! I'm so glad you said hi, and even gladder that we have one who crafts fiestas in our midst.

patty m. said...

The first time I saw Taylor was the harmonica moment, and I wasn't impressed; the next week, though, he sang "Levon" and knocked it out of the park. One of my favorite songs, and an excellent performance. I loved Taylor's voice, and my knuckles went white every week that he performed... I've never been more afraid that someone would hurt himself or others in the name of soul! I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard the results, too. Yay, "Soul Patrol, Soul Patrol, Soul Patrol!" (always to be said in a spastic series of three, apparently).

Anonymous said...

Apparently Taylor found out about the Taylor Hicks drinking game, which is a shot for every "Soul Patrol." I think he holds stock in Schnapp's by now.

Attitude Amy said...

"That was not me"...Men never claim their own brand. They pass the gas and walk on. Such is life, such is male flatulence.

Previous Tastings