Thursday, August 03, 2006

Welcome Readers

This is my dance space; this is your dance space.

nobody puts this blog in a corner at:

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Unpopinions, Volume VI

-I do not like to eat peaches, but I do like to pet them in the produce aisle.

-What we need right now is an enormously expensive government project in the form of a return to the Moon. Six landings do not a full exploration make. It's like saying you want to explore Earth, then spending two days each in Cleveland, Dayton, Columbus, Akron, Cincinnati, and Toledo, then dusting off your hands and saying, "Well, I know all I need!" You need to include at least the Campell's Soup Company in Downer's Grove, IL.

-Contrary to what Patrick Swayze would have us believe in Road House, pain, in my experience, really does hurt.

-Here's why I went to a women's college: Will The Newborn Nephew is at a stage in which he often expresses himself gaseously, and although his aunt is largely unamused, Jim The Small Child Nephew finds this most hysterical: "Baby toot!" he says gleefully. "Baby toot!" He's two. He's also very much a guy.

-Shut up, Adam Sandler.

you too, Keanu Reeves at:

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Brotherhood, Day Five

There's been vast improvement since the Incident Of the Head-Slammed Doll Baby:

Jim likes to know where Will is at all times. Some might find this sweet. I think he's watching his back.

between the wifebeater and the bling, I'd like to know where this is going at:

Monday, July 31, 2006

It's... Not A Girl

Some of you have written in to ask if I'm disappointed that I have a nephew instead of a niece. Well, it would have been nice to have a complete salt-and-pepper shaker set, but I assure you that the first words out of my mouth when I heard the news were not, "Well--now what am I supposed to do with my Saint Mary's Alumnae Endorsed Application?"

I shouldn't have been surprised, actually; when I heard that Julie The NephewsMama was in labor, I immediately launched into the SuperAunt Helpful Activity of taking a nap. I dreamed that I met Prince William. Normally I don't go about predicting the gender of my sister's children via dreamwork, however, so I didn't think anything of it until I heard his name, for as in all things like this ("I wore this bra last week and the Reds won, so now I can never change it again"), coincidence hindsight is always perfectly clear.

Josh The Pilot and I walked the entirety of Toys Infuriatingly Backwards "R" Us over the weekend (it still smells the same--like plastic and despair), and I took him down the Pink Aisle, the one with the dress up clothes and the sparkly batons and the My Little Ponies. It hasn't changed much, only there are dolls named "Bratz" now, apparently very popular (I wouldn't know; my twenty-year-old male student pilots tend not to fill me in on these things), which seem to encourage pole dancing, weighing four ounces, and a great deal of Pat Benetar-era eyeshadow. They have a great many shoes, at least one pair of which they have to wear at all times, otherwise they have no feet, which speaks dumptrucks, culturally. I'm glad I don't have to deal with a niece in the face of this for now.

I will admit to going "Awwwwwwww!" when I saw a little princess dress, but only because it was 27 sizes too small for me. We got Will a reversible fleece cover for his carrying case--you know, those baby seats with handles that you shove in the car and then tote to Mass or the grocery store or the off-track betting parlor or whatever. The carrying case cover is awesome, you guys. It will keep the rain off him, and there's even a little hole for Will to stick his head through. I'm very relieved somebody thought of that. The packaging even advertises it: "Peek hole for baby's face." Because when you need to keep your baby dry, make sure he feels as though he's just been shoved into a duffel bag.

Or, you can close it up so the baby can't see the cold, horrible world out there. I recommend this option.

Jim The Small Child Nephew is taking slightly better to his big brother role. He says "brother" now, and "Baby Will," and hasn't gone about slamming anything into a wall recently, so that's progress. He is upset when Will cries, and sat down next to my sister for breakfast this morning and pointed to her chair. "Baby sit," he commanded.

"Mommy can sit here and hold Will," she suggested to The Prince.

"No," he said. "Baby sit."

You hear that, Will? You develop the ability to hold your head up right now. Your brother demands a dining companion.

That, or he's just trying to gain his trust before... the rest of the plan.

aunt Beth actually will always have gum, Monica at:

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Brotherhood: Day 1

Will The Newborn Nephew is 21 inches long. By football season we will be able to use him to mark off yardage.

Obviously, he is, of course, extraordinarily cute. Note the mittens on his hands. They are to keep him from scratching himself on the face, which as you can see he's already done once or twice. Dude! Will! Stop hitting yourself, man.

After I hung up the phone with my mother when she called with the news that the baby was out and properly furious, I thought of Jim The Small Child Nephew, slumbering in the bliss of ignorance just a few miles from where his newborn brother lay. "His entire universe," Josh The Pilot said, "is about to change."

Such as the revelation that he is no longer the center of it. We were all anxious about how this would go, and left the announcement to his father. Jim was clutching his naked doll baby at the time, so the moment seemed opportune:

BRITTON THE BROTHER-IN-LAW: James, you're going to be a big brother.
JIM: ...
BRITTON THE BROTHER-IN-LAW: James, Mommy has Baby Will now.
JIM: (smashes head of baby doll against the wall)

In short, this is going even better than expected.

aunt Beth again at:

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