Worlds!

They're going even better than the Olympics!

ah, sweet, sweet schadenfreude at: mb@blondechampagne.com

Battles

Having given up All Things Fun for Lent, I find myself slipping, at least while unconscious. Four times now I've waken from a full night's sleep consumed with such forbiddens as ice cream and, most recently, an M&M cookie. (But not just any M&M cookie! The kind with the little baby baking ones, made from dark chocolate!) There's a barely-opened can of vanilla frosting in my refrigerator that I want. Today I was forced to turn the label so the dripping spoon of sugary downfall isn't facing me every time I open the door to get the stupid bag of carrots. And yet the Go-Tarts, they sustain me, by a thin strawberry thread.

This battle is nothing, however, compared to my war of attrition with the Daytona Beach News-Urinal. These megapitas call me every single weekday, without fail, and while such a famewhore as myself would normally never complain about constant phone calls from the press, what they want from me is a subscription. I got a "free" one for a few weeks when I moved to the Blonde Bachelorette Pad, Northern Edition, and because I am a cretin, I gave them my cell phone number when they asked for it, because I didn't want them using that information to find out where I live.

You should know that I was responding to a postcard inviting me to the deal.

I know the number well; I see it, I hang up, they call again. It's a hate-off by now, because I absolutely refuse to donate the one single day minute it will require to scream ampersand and percentage sign-filled refusals to the telemarketer placing the call. No, Daytona Beach News-Urinal, I am not going to expend money to bring your top-of-the-fold features on Cracker Day to my doorstep when such luxuries as two-ply toilet paper are out of my financial reach.

Oh, but it's so nice to know that they care.

I like ritz crackers at: mb@blondechampagne.com

Ovals

As part of his background check for the FAA, Josh The Pilot supplied my name as a reference, a severe lapse of judgement that should disqualify him outright.

My immense distrust of the federal government was confirmed when the recommendation forms arrived: They want me to take the SAT again. There are all these little ovals to fill in, and I deeply fear that if I do it wrong FAA will somehow retroactively revoke my admission to The Womb.

They’re horrible questions, and they make me do MATH:

1) How long have you known this person?

a. __years ____ months

b. I don’t know this person

I could very easily put “b”, because last weekend we were having a discussion about what a house should have, and I was expounding upon the fact that a good house should contain, at minimum, one room for ill-advised exercise equipment purchases, one room for writing, one room where I would do actual work, a washer and a dryer that do not involve slots for quarters or other people’s underwear, a wine cellar, free running space for a pet wombat, and two areas for crafting: one for a scrapbooking studio with tiny, tiny drawers for the 1.8 billion acid free cutouts currently stuffed in my closet, and one for a sewing room (assuming that at some point I can sew without puncturing a fingernail.) Also, a bowling alley.

And Josh The Pilot said, “Well, I want a pool table,” and I was like, “Which would make perfect sense, had I ever seen you pick up a pool cue IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.” And he said, “I LOVE pool!” and I was like, “Since when?” and he said “Since always! Pool is awesome!” and really… it was like I didn’t even know him.

The FAA would also like to know if I have “any adverse information about this person’s (a) employment, (b) residence, (c) activity concerning violations of the law, (d) financial integrity, (e) abuse of alcohol and/or drugs, (f) mental or emotional stability, or (g) general behavior or conduct.” Considering that he (a) WANTS to work with math… and people… and math people, (b) thinks living within five miles of a NASCAR track is a good thing, (c) forgets to put the seat down, (d) once spent actual American money on a copy of Independence Day (e) drinks white zin out of a bag, (f) is dating me, on purpose, and (g) once pointed at a trailer of The Shaggy Dog and said “That looks funny,” he better not stray into any of my Pissy Areas at any point in the near future.

I like steak, Josh.

landing on runway 4 at: mb@blondechampagne.com

Ask Josh The Pilot, Volume III: The Sucking Edition

By: Josh The Pilot

AnnaPink said...

I am flying to Miami from DC in a few weeks. I am really nervous, because I will be sitting in an "exit row" seat of the airplane. I don't know why, but I am afraid some crazy person will try to open up the door (or something) midflight and I will get sucked out. Should I be worried about this? Are there protections in place to prevent this from happening? Also, why isn't everyone on board an airplane issued a parachute? I mean, they could give it back when the flight was over. Are parachutes hard to work, or expensive? I am honestly worried, so don't kid too much if you can help it.

AnnaPink, I love getting the opportunity to calm peoples' fears about flying. Based on your nervousness, I'm assuming you haven't ever flown before, so I won't make fun of you because I know your fear is quite genuine, though ultimately unnecessary, because it's fear of the unknown. Thank you for giving me a chance to make flying a little less unknown to you.

My first bit of advice is RELAX! Flying is very safe and so much more fun than driving. You may have heard that you're 100 times more likely to get in a car wreck on the way to the airport than you are to be in an airplane accident. In other words, once you are airborne you are in the safest position you can possibly be while traveling. Another way to think about it is this: Imagine you've never before ridden in a car or an airplane. Then one day, someone offers you a trip involving both a car ride and an airplane flight. For one week before your trip, you listen to the daily radio news reports. You will hear about literally hundreds of car crashes on the roads, but maybe, maybe one airplane incident. Which mode of transportation would you be more apprehensive about?

Don't be concerned with some crazy person opening the door and you getting sucked out. First of all, if someone was that crazy in the first place, he wouldn't be flying. Ticket agents and flight attendants are trained to recognize irrationally behaving passengers and will deny them boarding before the flight begins. Second, you can't be sucked out even in the almost infinitely unlikely event of a cabin decompression, even an explosive decompression. There is not enough pressure differential between the air inside the airplane and the outside atmosphere to create the kind of force necessary to "suck out" something the weight of a human being. Besides, you will have your lap belt on while seated so it's guaranteed you won't be leaving the airplane until you walk out the door when you're on the ground.

While we're on the subject, I would like to take a moment to allay another fear people have about flying on airliners in this post-9/11 world. Terrorists will never again try to hijack an airliner. They know that the moment someone makes a run at the cockpit, the air marshal on board will shoot them. If the marshal runs out of ammo, there are many passengers who will pull a Flight 93 and subdue the hijackers. If the passengers aren't successful, all pilots carry weapons now and will gladly dispatch to the 72 virgins (that's a slam against Muslim extremists, not Muslims in general) any attackers seeking to take over the cockpit.

Regarding parachutes, the simple answer is they are unnecessary. Parachutes are only needed when there is a high likelihood of the possibility of needing to exit the airplane while it's still in the air. Aviation technology (engines, airframes, etc) is so reliable and safe these days that the possibility of having to return to earth by a different way than you left it is virtually nonexsistant, unless you're a skydiver. Only military pilots flying warplanes in combat (because they're getting shot at) need parachutes. Occupants of airliners and general aviation (small) aircraft flying the friendly skies need only be concerned about the small child in the next row wailing her dissatisfaction with the world. Besides, it takes almost as much training to operate a parachute as it does to fly an airplane, so even if everyone on board was provided a 'chute, most people wouldn't know what to do with theirs, so they'd be better off staying inside than jumping out.

Last of all, if you're still uneasy about being in an exit row on your flight, you can always request to be reseated. There will be dozens of other passengers willing to swap seats with you so they can enjoy the extra leg room!

I hope you feel better now about taking your flight. Enjoy your time in Miami, and maybe we'll meet up when I finally move to DC. I would love to answer any more questions you might have about flying or aviation in general. I can probably even arrange for a tour of the air traffic control facility where I'll be stationed, so you can see who does the real work of keeping air travel safe. Blue skies!

Quick note: Obviously, JTP is taking a lot of time with these answers--he wants to do a good job for the screaming masses--and as you know he has quite the backlog. You can comment all you want on answers he's provided and request clarification, but we'd appreciate it if you held further questions until I put out another call.

After all, somebody has to fly the plane.

-MB

how can you not love him at: mb@blondechampagne.com

Lady Is a Tramp

Over the weekend I watched Lady and the Tramp for the first time since I achieved puberty. I originally saw it, I believe, on the Disney Channel, back when the Disney Channel broadcasted wicked sweet stuff like Spin and Marty and did not truck with such elements as the former Cosby Show-ruining Olivia (My single Rule of Life continues: Never EVER trust a celebrity other than God who insists upon going by one name.)

El Mouseo has released LatT on DVD, and, in typical Disney consumer-friendly fashion, the disk will remain on the market for the next forty-seven minutes and then all copies will return to their original storage in the Ark of the Covenant, never to be seen until inflation has shot the price of a DVD to your average gold-plated unicorn. Disney is all about infusing all the children of the world with The Magic, in properly, cost-effectively doled portions.

So I watched LatT, I went awwwww, puppies and babies!, and headed to the extras section. In which an animater was all, “Yeah… there’s that scene where Lady and the Tramp have a romantic evening on the town, and then there’s this dissolve, and they wake up in the morning, then there’s the puppies at the end of the movie, and you kind of wonder what happened there.”

Waaaaaaaaaaiiiiit a minute….

The English major mind slowly churned. You—you mean that scene where Jock and Trusty propose to her… they weren’t just trying to get her out of the house with the freaky evil Siamese cats? They were trying to preserve her honor! She not only… THEY KNEW. She blabbed!

And the puppies? Not born until after the Tramp moved in and got his license and married Lady in a proper Catholic ceremony, complete with little tulle bags of personalized M&M’s on the table and “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” at the reception? Wha-?

By the way, there’s a reason why I don’t attempt fiction. Any plot of mine would be like, “There’s this guy? And then some stuff happens.” This is right up there with my “Why, ‘The Coral Reefer Band’ a marijuana reference!” moment. I’m eight months away from the age of thirty, and I required the services of another adult to explain to me the intricacies of an Eisenhower-era Disney cartoon.

Well, I’m off to shop for Jim The Baby Nephew’s second birthday present. I think he’ll really love Pulp Fiction! That scene where the lady shoves the white Pixy Stix powder up her nose is completely hilarious!

but darling's never hit me... before at: mb@blondechampagne.com

Ask Josh The Pilot, Volume II: The Marriage Question Edition

By: Josh The Pilot

jen liberatore said...

Dear Josh The Pilot,
Why haven't you proposed to this amazing woman? She's funny, articulate and judging by the photo shoot, an asset to the gene pool. What gives?

I know y'all have been waiting breathlessly for me to answer this question. My answer is simple: Please refer back to MB's post about us not getting married until we have more than 11 cents per year income between us! Believe me, I'd love to get married to this wonderful woman God has put in my life, but I can't and won't until I can support us both. Perhaps next year, after I'm established as an air traffic controller in DC, we'll see about making plans for the future...

(and if Josh The Pilot doesn't ask me to marry him, then I will ask jen liberatore at: mb@blondechampagne.com)

Men and Women of a Certain Age

are forced to buy this tshirt IMMEDIATELY.

and if you aren't with me here, I'm also not explaining why Zach Attack RAWKS at: mb@blondechampagne.com