Friday, March 24, 2006

Battles

Having given up All Things Fun for Lent, I find myself slipping, at least while unconscious. Four times now I've waken from a full night's sleep consumed with such forbiddens as ice cream and, most recently, an M&M cookie. (But not just any M&M cookie! The kind with the little baby baking ones, made from dark chocolate!) There's a barely-opened can of vanilla frosting in my refrigerator that I want. Today I was forced to turn the label so the dripping spoon of sugary downfall isn't facing me every time I open the door to get the stupid bag of carrots. And yet the Go-Tarts, they sustain me, by a thin strawberry thread.

This battle is nothing, however, compared to my war of attrition with the Daytona Beach News-Urinal. These megapitas call me every single weekday, without fail, and while such a famewhore as myself would normally never complain about constant phone calls from the press, what they want from me is a subscription. I got a "free" one for a few weeks when I moved to the Blonde Bachelorette Pad, Northern Edition, and because I am a cretin, I gave them my cell phone number when they asked for it, because I didn't want them using that information to find out where I live.

You should know that I was responding to a postcard inviting me to the deal.

I know the number well; I see it, I hang up, they call again. It's a hate-off by now, because I absolutely refuse to donate the one single day minute it will require to scream ampersand and percentage sign-filled refusals to the telemarketer placing the call. No, Daytona Beach News-Urinal, I am not going to expend money to bring your top-of-the-fold features on Cracker Day to my doorstep when such luxuries as two-ply toilet paper are out of my financial reach.

Oh, but it's so nice to know that they care.

I like ritz crackers at: mb@blondechampagne.com

19 comments:

Wolffie said...

You've completely made up that web page re:Cracker Day. That can not.Actually. Exist.

If it actually did exist, a newspaper that in any way cared about its community would a)keep it quiet and/or b)write an article that properly responded to the begged question "WTF???!!!"

MB said...

No way, brother. That's why I knew I had to include the link.

amy lou the reader said...

When people - especially telemarketers - call, do what my brother does.

He picks up the phone, and says very calmly but forcefully, "How many times do I have to tell you I don't have a phone?" then hangs up immediately.

The caller must think he's unbalanced, or gets so confused they remove him from the list. But it works. Every time.

amy lou the reader said...

I should clarify that first sentence by saying, "When people you DON'T WANT TO TALK TO call..."

Don't do that randomly. Or you won't have any friends or family left.

kelebek }{ said...

Amy Lou, you rock! I am so telling that to my mom.
mb, are you on Ambien? I've read a lot of things about people sleep eating and driving!

Attitude Amy said...

Hi there. Satan again. Dove makes DARK CHOCOLATE too.

The National Do Not Call Registry.
It should work on cell phones as well. There are some restrictions. Call the number below (I dare you to try and sell them something when you call. Or next time tell the people bugging you that your number has changed to a toll free number and it is the one below.)

1-888-382-1222

You can also sign up Online:

https://www.donotcall.gov/default.aspx

If you tell the company that's bothering you to put your number on their own do not call list and then they call you again, you can sue them. It helps to mention this to them.

You will most likely need to get on your state's registry (Florida Do Not Call Program) as well so you don't get unwanted calls from within the state of Florida. Use the address below to register Online. Works on cell phones as well.

http://www.800helpfla.com/nosales.html

Starra said...

You know the Forty Days of Lent does not include Sundays. If you feel a moment of weakness coming on, just tell yourself to wait until Sunday. I know you can do it! I have.

MB said...

Thanks much for the research, Amy. What's it like to be a productive person? For I shall never know.

Kelebek-- Right. I'm on Ambien. Like my problem is I DON'T feel the urge to sleep all the time.

Starra, that's an excellent reminder. But I'm in this for the long haul. The Sunday out? We Germans don't recognize no stinkin' Sunday out.

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