Friday, September 16, 2005

Three College Degrees, a CPA License,and a One-Year-Old Amongst Us

JULIE THE NEPHEWMAMA: James, tell Aunt Beth how the tiger goes.


NEPHEWMAMA: I’ll hold out the phone. Ask him what the tiger says.

ME: Jim, how does the tiger go?


NEPHEWMAMA: What’s the tiger say?

ME: Jim! What does the tiger say?


NEPHEWMAMA: He was just doing it before. Tell Aunt Beth what the tiger says!

ME: How does the tiger go, Jim?

JIM: Mooooooooooooo!*

NEPHEWMAMA: No, that’s the cow. What does the tiger say?

ME: See if he’ll do the snake.

NEPHEWMAMA: What does the snake say?


ME: Tell Aunt Beth how the snake goes!

JIM: ssssssst!

ME/NEPHEWMAMA: (great applause)

JIM: Mooooooooooooo.

ME: Jim? What does the tiger say? The tiger?

JIM: grrrr

ME/NEPHEWMAMA: (great applause)

NEPHEWMAMA: Isn't that awesome?

ME: That is so awesome!

*Like any child of the 21st century, Jim has several default settings. A great many animals moo; any unidentified vehicle is immediately classified as a “guck”, and, much to his father’s chagrin, a wide assortment of males, including statues of Jesus Christ, are “Da!”

Although the product of two people in the financial field, Jim has shown an early ability to develop a strong thesis statement. Last month he presented my sister with a box of fruit puffs and announced, “I want this.” He’s a very deep child.

How's the assessment of third party pension consultants go? at:

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Cherry Coke

Life is very staticy here in the Land of the World’s Most Famous Beach. You’d think we’d have a radio station with a broadcast radius beyond fourteen feet. We do not. We have liquor stores instead. Everything I listen to, I have to listen to from Orlando or Jacksonville or some other city maintaining sobriety for the enough consecutive business days to apply for an FCC license.

So I’m sitting at a traffic light, and I’m listening to Glenn Beck through a great deal of static. He was discussing the recent release of The 40 Year Old Virgin, and what you do when you’re discussing The 40 Year Old Virgin is encourage the vast virgin population to dial in.

When people call Glenn, they greet him thusly: “Hey, you sick freak,” because they are cool like that. And as I sat at that traffic light enjoying the static and idly wondering which curb I could clip next, I heard him take a caller whose greeting was cut off at the beginning, so by the time he got on the air his first word, to a national audience, was “-freak,” and quite possibly Glenn didn’t hear him at all, so he didn’t respond, so the caller didn’t say anything either, so there was like five seconds of extremely awkward radio silence, and my first thought, as the light changed, was that this caller sounded like a complete and total tool.

“Glenn, I’m 24 and my girlfriend is 28, and we’re both virgins. We--”

Well! That’s funny! Josh The Pilot is 24! And I’m 28! And—

“That’s tremendous, Josh. Let me ask you something…”

The tool… was my tool, and he had outed us to thirty million people. I waited patiently to see if he would also throw in my full name, the password to my Netflix account, and the fact that I was currently driving a 1997 blue Toyota Corolla, license tag as follows.

Glenn wanted to know if Josh’s friends regarded him as strange, which he said they did, and then found it necessary to immediately assure the listening audience that, quote, “I’ve always liked women.”

Glenn then suddenly seemed to remember that he had to take a commercial break, and Josh got hung up on, so I called him, and we talked about being virgins some more, and how superb it is that Glenn Beck is now apprised of the situation.

I’ve been in five relationships, and I must say that this is a first. If somebody had to take my referenced-on-a-national-talk-show virginity, I’m glad it was Josh.


Sunday, September 11, 2005


By popular demand... okay... demand... okay, because one person emailed me, here is a a link to "Flyover Territory" from my People Who Choose To Run, publication pending for, oh, four years now.

Remembering with love these brothers and sisters in the Notre Dame/Saint Mary's family today.

never forget at:

Text of Ad That I Am Totally Not Lying To You About

Patriot Day, September 11: We all have the ability to be an American hero. Show your pride with a patriotic domain name for only $3.99 with any non-domain purchase.

(insert large American flag here)

$3.99 No quantity limit

Yep. That's what the Flight 93 passengers were all about. Making the world safe for low, low domain prices.

The rest of Saturday's post, for those of you who actually have a life and missed it

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