Saturday, September 10, 2005


I'm a cowgirl! I'm a cowgirl with boots I bought at a mall in Ohio and silver earrings from Coldwater Creek! I am therefore qualified to run my very own roundup! Come along, small puppies.

-Last week, two of you were kind enough to hit the Amazon Honor System box at the top of the page in an anonymous fashion, so I can't thank you by name, but rest assured burnt offerings are regularly sacrificed on your behalf here at the Blonde Bachelorette Pad. Thank you. Your much-appreciated donations help with all the lawsuits.

-Quoth Ophelia: "Never mind then."

More doggies to come as the Notre Dame-B**chigan game progresses. The more we suck, the more I'll write, so hopefully this post will remain the same length through January.


ND 17, B**chigan 10

You know what was fun about this game? Watching Notre Dame commit eighteen thousand penalties in a row. That was the best.

-Telemetry data from Discovery's descent shows that shuttle commander Eileen Collins periodically turned over control of the spacecraft to pilot Jim Kelly. I think it was very nice of her to let the boy drive.

-Pretentiousness Update: Last month I topped drinking wine while watching Sideways and drank wine while in a wine bar. It could have been worse, as the widely-advertised "live jazz entertainment" consisted of a white guy kareoking with his sax along with the background tracks of "I Just Called To Say I Love You" and other Tesh-related selections, but still... a wine bar.

As always, however, I managed to undercut myself, because by the time .00000001% of my glass was gone, I was deemed non-sober.

"How can you tell?" I yelled.

"You become more wordy when you drink," said Flipper.

"Although it's not necessarily words that make sense," said G-Force.

I told them they were stupid, and then the waiter came and said, "How are you all doing?"

I said, "I am extremely happy with my life right now. How are you?"

Then they took my keys away. Also my wine.

-Newly-noticed Inappropriate Quote from Tony the Suspiciously Well-Oiled: "You see the way Paul's lifting his butt off the floor here? A little bonus move, nice. Really nice."

-From the Department of Somebody Actually Crafted This Sentence, Then Went To a Bumper Sticker Dealer, Who Clearly Thought A Bumper Sticker Printed With This Sentence Was a Salable Item, Then Printed It, Then Sold It To Stores Who Also Clearly Thought This Was a Salable Item, and Then Somebody Actually Paid American Money For It, and Then Actually Put It On an Actual Car Bumper, Doubtless Over the Objections Of Every Person They Have Ever Known, and Then Went Out And Actually Drove This Car In Public, and I Want Off the Earth Now Because It Just Doesn't Make Sense Anymore: "It's hard to be humble when you own a chihuahua."

-You know those books? Those truly awful, horrible books I got for free and left in stacks around my office because the typefaces scared me and I couldn't sleep with them in my apartment? So when a frayed-looking man showed up at my door with a wheelie bag and a business card telling me that he wanted to talk about textbooks, I eagerly showed him in and offered him his choice of Kits.

"How are you fixed for books this semester?" he said.

"I can't find one for a basic writing class. What do you have?"

He stared at me.

"I mean, does anybody actually print anthologies not involving Phil Collins lyrics?"

"Perhaps I wasn't very clear," he said uncomfortably, declining my second offer of a Kit. (Banana! I should have known! The man was turning down free Kits!) "I'm a... a b--"

I leaned forward. A b--? Barista? Backpack fetishist? Big fat washer-dryer?

"...a buyer."

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. He wanted to buy my horrible free textbooks. Why? Did he collect "NOT FOR RESALE" covers?

But then he saw a few of them on my desk, and he said, "Oh, never mind, I can't use those. There's no market."

"There isn't?"

"Oh, no, Professor. Those books suck."

Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Irish! at:

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