Monday, April 10, 2006

Ten Things I Learned From The Ten Commandments

Because when the entertainment world needs a new idea, it looks around for the most un-remakable movie possible and decideds to have a shot at it, ABC has pooped forth The Ten Commandments. I watched perhaps four seconds of it, and can definitively say that it sucks. Nobody dances about with enormous orange pom poms attached to their heads, Ramses II wears unadvisable eyeliner when everybody knows that he spent his weekends as the King of Siam anyway, and Moses has Jesus hair (one Bible headliner at a time, please.) Also, he is played by a person named "Dougray." Dougray.

Also also, when the people say "Moses," they only say it once, and there's no fun in that at all. You gotta sell it. He's a stubborn, splendid, adorable fool! Moses, MOOOOOSES!

I always feel sad at the end of the moive, because Moses has grown a long curly beard of what appears to be rolls of that cotton crap the department stores pile at the base of Christmas tree displays (although, as Mike The Longterm Reader has pointed out, thanks to this movie, if we actually meet Moses in the afterlife, we will probably be disappointed.) I hate to leave this world that I have inhabited for four hours of my life, this world in which it is very important for goatherders to have eyes as sharp as they are beautiful.

Let's review:

-Every day should be a shearing festival!

-It is very hard work to raise a stone obelisk, so make sure to have a silk cloth nearby to towel off the sweat you'll work up gazing out of a pair of binoculars as you watch your thousands of slaves do it.

-You know what's really good to wear in 104-degree heat? Gold lamé.

-Apparently, once you've see God, He makes sure that your hair has really good volume.

-Your tongue will dig your grave! So. Make sure you... watch out for that.

-God really has very nice handwriting.

-Oh, just dance before the sheiks already.

-You should treat your children well, 'cause you never know when one of them will stop a big giant stone from squishing you.

-It was very clever of the Lord to part the Red Sea by reversing the film.

-All acts, including frappuccino ordering, should include the prounouncement "So let it be written. So let it be done."

but I am Egypt at:


Dantelope said...

Whaaaa? Have you never been to Universal Studios and seen the sea parted sans "reversing the film"?

I think any remake of The Ten Commandments should include D.J. Moses with some bling bling in his teeth.

Coz nothing says "Yo, byatch, I'm the maaaaaan" like bling bling. Well, at least that's what MTV tells me.

halcyon said...

I like it! Gonna use the repetition and emphasis on other names too and see how it goes. I'll report back.

I should have used it on my husband earlier tonight. "Jim, JIIIMM, please take out the trash!"

annapink said...

Hi MB! Just wanted to let you and JTP know I got back from Miami safely (I was the one with the flying phobia), and to thank JTP again for his encouraging words. Thanks! I'll go back to lurking now...PS I am an INFP too:)

CSchmidt said...

Having come from a Catholic school background I have watched the 10 commandments every Easter for well over 10 years. I'm sick of it - I have no interest in the old one or the new one (even if it does include the hot guy from Lost). When I went non-practicing that meant Heston went with it - and by default the new version too.
Let me have it MB, but it's my rant of the day.

Anonymous said...

The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not remake, redo, refute, rework or re-anything The Ten Commandments, either in reel life or real life.

red pill junkie said...

I dunno, but on the other hand, I did enjoy Dreamworks' THE PRINCE OF EGYPT. I think it was interesting to portray the relation Moses and Ramses had as brothers before Moses fled. The opening of the movie was nice too, although Katzenberg stole a lot from his previous work The Lion King.

But that does not change my ultimate heretic view, that Jehova was a major despot, because He/She wants pharoh NOT to let go of the jews easily, so Jehova's wrath can be unfold unto Egypt to show who's the MAN.

On Prince of Egypt, though, Dreamworks shows Moses as having remorse for the plagues, which I found interesting too.

Anonymous said...

Shapiro, you SEE what happens when you fall away? You lose all respect for shearing festivals! Heathan!!

Seriously, didn't Mr. Moelchert start showing us this in our freshman Old Testament class, and give up before we even got out of Egypt? I remember Kari Niederhausen screeching over the fact that you could totally see Anne Baxter's nipples in the "hounds and jackals" scene.

My high school education, ladies and gentlemen.

ob-la-di, ob-la-da said...

Oh Dougray... I actually met him while doing an intense London theatre excursion with some of my drama-freak friends, and can say, qualmlessly, that he is an arrogant arsehole. His parents were positively clairvoyant - the pretentious name fits the pretentious man, so continue to make fun of it and him. He deserves it.

Anonymous said...

annapink! What wonderful news. Thank you so much for checking in and letting us know you're OK. I'm proud of you :)

Miasys said...

All I have to say is...
they preempted Boston Legal for this?

Cbell said...

It is amazing that you found this much insight in only four seconds of viewing the program...

Odd for someone who never watched "Titanic" to have stooped low enough to scan a re-make of these un-monumental porportions!

Emma said...

Some questions I just can't answer overheard while my 9th grade classes watched "The Ten Commandments" as part of their Bible as Literature class....
"Why is that bald guy wearing gold shoes?"

"Is Moses supposed to look like the Bride of Frankenstein?"

"Is that kool aid in the water?"

"Why did men ever stop wearing skirts?"

And my personal favorite:
"Does he know all that flab is hanging over his belt?"

Anonymous said...


Did you watch the whooooole thing, emma? That's at least a semester's worth right there.

Anonymous said...

^^^Is this for real??

Jenib said...

I am a bit behind in your posts. This one made me laugh out loud and wake everyone up. LOLOL. I am going to be walking around calling people, "MOOOOOOSES" just to hear it said. Thanks.

Spindrift said...
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