Monday, April 02, 2007

Say It Twice

You guys.

It's my favorite time of year...

Ten Commandments season!

Most of you are probably familiar with International Talk Like a Pirate Day. We totally need to make Passover the International Talk Like You Are in Ten Commandments Day. Participants must adhere to the following guidelines:

-Single-sentence conversation is not permitted. Information is exchanged in five to seven minute monologues only.

-Taunts are empty without an accompanying cape flourish.

-List. List a lot. God does not have the corner on bullet points. If you're ripping on the chick who's after your man, do not simply dismiss her as a ho. She grates garlic on her skin, her lips are chafed and dry as the desert sand, and she has sheep stank. Be bold and be cold, y'all.

-Distress calls may be issued only as "JOSHua!"

-Imagery is good. Bad imagery, preferably laced with a pickup line, a Super Bowl-style introduction, or stentorian smackdown, is better. So it's not "Thank you," it's "You bring a warm smile with your cool water." And it's not "No, yo' momma," but "This woman drew me from the Nile and set my feet upon the path of knowledge."

-Pronouncements are best delivered while flinging something, preferably a large stone tablet, or beads from a loom with an arm shaped like a snake.

-Use the word "obelisk" as frequently as possible.

-Only shiny fabrics may be worn. Unless you're bringing down boils on a nation. Then, stripes.

I will dwell in this land at:


Monica said...

Count me in! In fact, you may counteth on my participation in this verbal exodus from the desert of slang and colloquialisms. O, bright light with the hair of gold, I shalt follow thee into the land of long talkers and render unto you the gift of my verbiosity.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

[Now why do I feel like that long-winded mayor from the Joel Grey version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas? You know, the one with the mice.]

Sarah said...

And all statements must conclude with "In accordance with the prophecy."

red pill junkie said...

I'll start looking for a nice wooden staff... ;-)

red pill junkie said...

Although now that I think about it, making my lousy Vista-enabled PC to work on my office's network would be a much more impressive miracle than parting the Red Sea in two! Damn you Microsoft! Damn you al to helll!! (oh, wait... wrong flick)

Kate said...

"Distress calls may be issued only as "JOSHua!""

Um, even if the person we're calling isn't named Joshua? Because that kinda gives you, among others, an unfair advantage : )

Josh The Pilot said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Josh The Pilot said...

Ladies and gentlemen,
Once again, a grand example of the inscribing not-quite-on-obelisks that draws me unto this woman, the humorousity which makes me breaketh not obelisks, but into a smile of the widest sort, even on the the darkest of days, and the pure wonder of her thoughts and utterances that lift the spirits of those far and wide. I prophesy that one day there will be countless obelisks dedicated in her beautiful name and in honor of her many books. How I yearn for the day, one and a hundred from now to be exact, when I will pledge my eternal devotion to this shining light of literary excellence!

Oh, and happy birthday to Jim The Now Three Year Old Soon To Be My Nephew Too.

Kristen said...

And everyone of mild to great importance must have a really intense beard to accompany their really intense King James English.

Anonymous said...

Oh, SCORE on the Joel Grey reference and that Christmas special I thought nobody else remembered. That and Ten Commandments in the same post! My readers are awesome. Wilkommen.

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