Thursday, May 10, 2007

Disconnect

I was gazing at a parting gift from my apartment--a burn scar from the oven as I attempted to extract lunch last week, and mentioned to Josh The Pilot that the human body is an amazing, autodiagnosing specimen of self-repair.

"That's the problem with some modern medicine," he said. "We depend too much on artificial means to extend our lives."

I regarded him with horror for several seconds. "You're going to pull my plug, aren't you."

"What?!"

"The plug! You're going to pull it! When we're eighty-two, and old, and you have to choose whether or not to put me on artificial life support. You're going to pull the plug and leave me to die and hook up with the anesthesiologist!"

He said that he expected me to pull the plug for him, and I reaffirmed my desire to, in the words of Sophia Petrillo, have eight to ten doctors jumping up and down on my chest if it ever came to that. Who knows what the state of my soul will be. Who knows what the state of my underwear will be.

And so, dear The Readers: Should you ever see a pixelated picture of me flash up next to Nancy Grace as she interviews a stunned, grown Jim The Currently Small Child Nephew who affirms that I was an excellent aunt who fed him Peeps when his mother's back was turned, please know, while the protesters gather outside the hospital with signs, Fox News, and Jesse Jackson, that I want to be plugged in and trussed up like the National Christmas Tree. I'm counting on you.

sleeping without pillows at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

8 comments:

Kristen said...

I just want you to know that any and all Golden Girls references are greatly appreciated.

HelloBettyLou said...

Personally, if I'm so far gone that I'm not me anymore, I would want the plug to be pulled. But that's just me. Weird, little ol' me.

Cbell said...

Having just experienced my first surgical procedure... and survived it... I know I may never set foot back in that hospital again for fear that I will be remembered for my underwear.

Not that it was soiled at all... but because they were purple with big red hearts and words that said "wild at heart" on them.

I now know that if an ER trip is in my future, there will be some reflection on my undergarments before I agree to make that trek. You don't necessarily plan to be admitted to a hospital when you first arrive.

I think my surgeon is still laughing.

Willow3x3 said...

The horror! Nancy Grace?? If you're going to expend that much energy pushing through the veil, please do it during something worthy. Like the Daily Show.

Hollee said...

I should have gotten you a gnerator for your wedding--then you can keep yourself plugged in. Well, call me when you get to that point--I'll bring our generator--which runs a 4000 sf. house--and keep you going.
Funny stuff kiddo.

classickelly21 said...

Since I am having the heart valve replaced in 6 days, I have been thinking about the whole being "plugged in" thing a lot.

They are plugging me in, literally, to do the surgery. The whole by-pass, stop your beating heart and let the machine do the wok while they cut your heart open and replace parts is okay. I need the plug in that case.

I always told my parents just let them shock me 3 times, give me about 10 minutes and then let me go. Now, I am thinking being shocked back is okay but I don't want to come back (or hang on) as a veggie. The thought of having someone else wipe my drool for the rest of my life just doesn't appeal.

I don't anticipate any problems but if I have one of those, "I saw this bright light" moments, I'll let you know, cause what if it sucks on the other side.

Also, I bought "festive" undies just for the hospital,'cause you just never know when you're going to meet Mr. Right. (I'm sure he'll overlook the no bra, tubes, drains, bruises, stitches, monitors, and 10 pounds of water weight.)

mike hates hospitals said...

As I've said before, I gotta fall on the put-me-out-of-my-misery side. If, as hellobettylou said aptly, I lose that which makes me me, then I'd rather not be at all.

Watching a great-grandmother slowly get swallowed by Alzheimer's disease and another grandmother kept alive by all manner of mechanical assistance has only convinced me more that I don't want to go out like that. So give me four gallons of morphine and I'll have Jerry Garcia, Jimi Hendrix and Elvis play me out, please.

JeanR said...

Okay -- I'm a lawyer by training so this just comes out in me every now and then -- do a LIVING WILL and DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY FOR HEALTH CARE!!! That way you can decide what you want done and who gets to do it. You can probably find the forms for VA online and do it yourself -- you just need it notorized. I'm sorry to be so practical but you really do need it. My husband hemmed and hawed about it and then I reminded him if something happened to both of us his sister would be making decsisions for him. That got him moving! If you can handle the mortgage you can handle this. =)

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