Wednesday, May 09, 2007


The Millennium Bridemobile was packed in a panic at two in the morning, and looks like it. Now I have the joy of digging through boxes containing anything from abused underwear to pointy wall sconces to exercise weights to a box of Fudge Rounds (sadly, no longer with us.)

No way was I fitting ten pounds of life in a five-pound Corolla, so what I needed to do was kick out all unnecessary oxygen molecules. Hence, a closing time panic-hurtle to the strip mall in my semipacked car for a set of vacuum powered Space Bags. It was the one time in my life I really, absolutely needed something I saw on TV to work.

The way a Space Bag operates is, you cram all your crap in a four-dollar Ziplock bag, hook a vacuum cleaner up to a valve, and rather satisfyingly collapse all the soft goods you own into a solid mass of cotton and regret.

It went pretty well, once I figured out how to hook the vacuum up to the hose attachment. The Bissell's owner manual contained such highly highly detailed instructions as: "1) You can use your POWERFORCE BAGLESS UPRIGHT VACUUM'S hose attachment as a crevice tool. 2) Be sure to redirect the POWERFORCE BAGLESS UPRIGHT VACUUM air flow when you are done."

Once I got suctioning, though, at an hour considerably advanced, there was no stopping the Space Bagging. For one thing, it was far more enjoyable than what I had been doing for the past forty-eight hours:

You see my Army of Cleanliness and Bleach in disarray here, badly defeated by the previous tenant's persistent refusal to flush.

The kitchen, though, wound up in far better condition than it ever was when I attempted to prepare food in it:

But that's my kitchen, all right.

By the time I accomplished all this, however, it was two-thirty in the morning, and at two-thirty in the morning, you start to wonder what your stuffed animals would look like in a Space Bagged state.

Seabiscuit, NOOOO!

As I finished loading in the early morning light, my below-stairs neighbor called something unintelligible to me as she started her car. I walked closer; she rolled down the window.

"I said, 'Do you vacuum at night?' Because I kept hearing a vacuum cleaner at about two in the morning."

I kicked away the Space Bag I had been holding. "I cannot imagine why I would need to vacuum my carpet at night," I said in utter truthfulness.

"Well, I kept hearing this loud roar real late last night. It woke me up."


"Yeah, but you know what, it kept running for a short time, and then stopping. A person who was vacuuming wouldn't be making that kind of noise."

"No, she would not."

"I bet it's the air conditioner."

"It is a very loud air conditioner."

"I'll go talk to the leasing office people right away."

"Give them my best."

She drove away. I shoved the last of the special occasion, worn-once bras under the spare tire and locked my apartment with a conscience as clean as the drip pans. I don't live here anymore.

there are Space Bag travel models too at:


macay said...

Those bags got me through those semiannual moves to and from college. You still have to be careful about how much you pack into them, though -- not for lack of space, but because those suckers can get HEAVY. I thought all my sweaters were suddenly made of stone.

D said...

I love me some space bags. How else would I be able to move a twin feather bed liner in a 2 inch space? Granted, it slowly expanded like the insta-raft on Three's Company but I didn't need the rearview anyway. Best purchase ever (for moving cross-country).

Josh The Pilot said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Josh The Pilot said...

Macey, you're right about those bags being heavy. I quickly found that out when I unloaded MB's car here in NoVA. Each relatively small bag felt like it weighed as much as a big storage trunk.

jcat said...

That's a very small bottle of schnapps. I'm all for the liter size.

Kate said...

That second stuffed animal picture is both hilarious and terrifying.

Jules said...

I guess this really makes everything sort of final and confirmed, eh....? Like...for REAL.


Anonymous said...

Great post MB! I'm so glad you are outta there. I love my travel space bags. They come in handy when you travel to Denver, with an infant, to go skiing, and you are only allowed 2 bags on the plane. My puffy ski coat looks pretty cool in the space bag, but not as cool as Seabiscuit. LOL

Lisa said...

Farewell to the Swamp!
"One thought will abide and ne'er be forgotten, though I search far and wide there is no land as rotten (rotten rotten rotten rotten....) as The Swamps of Home!"

SusannahS said...

I've always been tempted by those space bag thingies, but I have a fear of them suddenly losing pressure, causing clothes and linens to erupt a la Vesuvius. If it doesn't happen to you, I may give in and buy some.

college gal said...

Such a classic MB post!

And since I'm currently in the process of moving, all the more hilarious :-)

Anonymous said...

Okay, the stuffed animal photo was a bit creepy but glad to know Space Bags work!

Anonymous said...

They kinda work. A slow leak in a couple bags, but by then the car doors were all closed, and the crap was in there whether it wanted to be or not. No volcanic eruptions, however.

Anonymous said...

So MB,

Does this mean you're going to add a food saver to your registry? I'm sure it isn't as fun as the vacuum cleaner space bags, but it would give you something to do in the kitchen without actually cooking.

Previous Tastings