Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Perfect Men

Warning: This post contains graphic nudity

I made a grocery run on Christmas Eve Day, and nearly walked directly into the ladder of a Friendly Customer Service Team Member Associate, who was very busy removing all the Christmas decorations. Good. Make sure the Easter egg dye is good and dusty by Ash Wednesday.

I was there to obtain salad, because the house was alarmingly full of sugared objects. A week earlier, in a great caloric experiment, I attempted to make the most horrible for-you cookies possible within the limits of human digestion. So I dumped pure cake mix in a bowl... and added real butter... and M&M's. Then I paused, tapping my fingertips together: What, what, could I do to make them worse?

Why, roll them in pure sugar!


And what, what could I do with them to cause the greatest amount of chaos?

Why, distribute them to very small children!

I packed up the little nuclear sucruse bombs and drove them under military escort to my family's Christmas party, where there were nine children under the age of six. They had to call in FEMA by the time we left.

I had earned enough do-gooder credits to get away with this; in honor of the holiday season, I'd taken care to clothe the cold and naked.

Very fashionably too, I might add. You should be so lavender.

sweet at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

7 comments:

WiserlemmingAZ said...

I do believe I had a parent bring in cookies very similar to those the day we got out for Christmas Break. This is the day the entire school, grades K-8 wears pajamas and watches The Polar Express. It's supposed to be a heartwarming Christmas tradition at our school, with students sitting cozily next to their friends, hugging stuffed animals and watching starry-eyed as the movie plays on the classroom television. Did I mention the cookies? Talk about a FEMA call!!!! My classroom looked like it had been hit by a mad horde of torch waving zombies by the time it was over.
So.....long story short, the classroom got cleaned when I turned OFF the tv (the movie was over, but was about to be repeated) and ordered everyone to CLEAN!!!!!!
Your post made me laugh outloud at the memory of Dec. 21st for the first time since it happened!!! Thanks!!!

tcjd146 said...

MB, I'm impressed! There were 38 naked gingerbread people and 38 dressed gingerbread people. None of them mysteriously disappeared during the process. Not sure I would have had that amount of willpower. Although… the little round mutant cookie does seem to be missing. Hmmm, wonder where it went?

Merry Christmas to you & JTP.

- CJ

waseom said...

Mmmm, cookies.... Sadly, I didn't get any cookies this year. My mom lost her sugar cookie recipe, and I was unwilling to settle to for frozen pre-made sugar cookies.

I did, however, get homemade cinnamon rolls. I think I may have gained 1200 pounds, but it was definitely worth it. I love Christmas. :)

Also, your last article was really funny. It made me want to watch Charlie Brown Christmas again, even though I had just watched it the day before. :)

Mike Marchand said...

Holy Guacamole, I went into a diabetic coma just reading this post. Begone, vile carbs.

On a more serious note, this 1967 essay on Christmas may just be one of the most beautiful pieces ever written in the English language. (H/T Powerline) If you are one of those people for whom Christmas means more than cookies and tinsel, you'll find it a great read. It is also, dare I say it, Schultzian in its holiday-related prescience.

MB said...

Ah, CJ, you've discovered my Leftover Dough Tastin' Lump. Can't populate a gingerbread world without one!

'Til 2012 said...

And they were delicious, I might add. Or at least mine were. =)

Daniel said...

Mine were pretty good too...all the way in Honduras too...

I like periods...

Previous Tastings