Singin'

You know a movie musical retrospective is going to be QUALITY when they bring in John Travolta to host it. Travota, who has apparently managed to tear himself away from deigning to set foot in the National Air and Space Museum Annex, was Our Guide during a TV special highlighting the American Film Institute's "Best 100 Movie Songs," or something like that, which clearly nobody can trust since every other song featured (genuflect here) Barbra Streisand in at least some capacity. Barbra as star! Barbra as director! Barbra, who waves her Yentl flag high and yet released a Christmas album! Barbra!

"I. Am in love. With Barbra Streisand," Celine Dion sniffled ("My Pan Flute Will Go On" was in the top ten, RANKED HIGHER THAN "I COULD HAVE DANCED ALL NIGHT," a further reflection of the top-notch sense of judgement of whoever slapped this list together, most likely on the back of a Days Inn cocktail napkin.) Bette Midler also appeared, but not Liza Minelli; instead, we got Lorna Luft, who is the poor man's Billy Carter, and we were thus denied a certifiable Diva Trifecta. Shame.

"Moon River" was in there, complete with Andy Williams appearing in yellow shades he stole off the back of Elton John's toilet. "I never get tired of singing it," Andy said, which means he was either totally lying or is now officially totally senile.

Also in the Top Ten? "Theme From Shaft." "THEME From SHAFT." So what you want to do, then, if you're attempting to write one of the greatest movie songs of all time, is really slather on the wokka-chikka.

Not listed at all was "Mum's Arse" from the finely-crafted Gigli. I demand a recount.

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" was rated #1, at which point I tuned out. Judy Garland was what, 47 when they shot this? I may be the only former child in America to admit this, but The Wizard of Oz scared the holy hell out of me, it still does, the talking lion is creepy, and I prefer my midgets at the racetrack, thank you.

"Kyle's Mom's A..." at: blondechampagne@hotmail.com