Monday, October 15, 2007

Doughnut Holy

This one goes out to all the Lutherans, and your impressive deploy of doughnuts. The Catholic Church is about 500 years behind you, pastry-wise. We have much to learn from our Protestant brethren where glaze is concerned.

At Josh's church, there's this window right on the side wall, with this outstanding concession stand-style sliding cover. During the service, the window remains reverently closed, the aluminum quietly basking in the presence of Jesus. But the second the pastor's foot hits the end of the aisle-- BOOM! Doughnuts! Sometimes Krispy Kremes! And a selection of coffees! With Splenda! Yours for the fellowshipping! And then fifteen minutes before the next service begins--BOOM! The doughnuts go away.

Catholics don't do this. When Catholics start pouring coffee, somebody somewhere is going to ask for money. Doughnuts? The Pope needs a new pointy hat. Catholics are nervous when any parish council busts out the doughnuts.

Lutherans also have us beat in the grave ecclesiastical manner of coffee mugs. I've been to two Lutheran churches; both extended to me the right hand of Christian fellowship in the form of tableware, one with a pencil. Yesterday we got a loaf of homemade bread and individual name tags; high-quality stuff, this, with a little metal clippy and four-color printing. No sticky-Sharpie HELLO MY NAME IS stuff here. See, we might have wicked awesome incense in Catholicism? But not pink icing. The Lord loves both.

this week they had white icing, and rainbow jimmies at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

28 comments:

red pill junkie said...

Surfing for my daily assorted news of weirdness and esoterica, I just recently read that the Knights Templars apparently invented the biscuit, according to some legend (a large flat bread baked twice to prevent it from going mouldy, so they tell).

So it's no wonder that after 700 years, the Church decided to pardon them ;-)

Starnarcosis said...

Many members of my church are escaped Methodists and Baptists, so we have covered dish dinners.

Jess said...

"When Catholics start pouring coffee, somebody somewhere is going to ask for money."
So very, very true.

classickelly21 said...

MB-
You should try the Methodist church. I never go to church without a casserole or covered dish. It is amazing how many events need covered dishes.

We also have coffee hour between services.

My mother is convinced that one day I'll go back to "the one true faith". I am sure if I do, I'll lose weight and have emptier pockets. I rememer laughing when a friend mentioned in the catholic chruch you have to pay to pray. I didn't realize how true it was till I saw people buying candles at the shrine.

Thank goodness God loves us all.

Anonymous said...

I'd have to disagree with you. At my parish (my Catholic parish)we have an assortment of doughnuts to choose from following each Mass. It's part of the "hospitality" budget, and not only do they have long-johns, but they have basic glazed AND doughnut holes.

I hope you find a Catholic parish that does this someday!

Mary from Chicago

HelloBettyLou said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Monica said...

When Catholics have doughnuts, we usually ask for a "doughnation". I used to sing for the Episcopalians (they paid well), and they flat out charged for the doughnuts. My cousin's Methodist Church had homemade coffee cake baked and donated by various ladies of the church - no cash "doughnation" or payment required! Very neighborly! The Lutherans are giving away Krispy Kremes? Now THAT is sure to draw in the crowds!

MB said...

Mary from Chicago,
What is this "long-john" of which you type? Because it sounds like something that shouldn't be presented in any house of worship. Both the Lutheran and I are curious. Regional, indeed! :)

Anonymous said...

Is a long-john donut really a regional thing? Now that I think about it, it is quite phallic! No wonder the priests like it (just kidding...sort of). What does one in your region call a long narrow donut (the one without a hole)? OK, now I'm laughing at all the sex jokes I could start involving a donut...and I'm 30. Sister Veronica is probably shaking her ruler at me from the grave, haha.
--Chicago Mary

displacedchicagoan said...

Good old long johns, here in California known as bars,covered with chocolate or maple icing usually. I think a lot of people who have lived in Chicago through a couple of winters have eaten the doughnut while wearing the underwear at sometime during their stay!

John B. said...

We Catholics always serve our coffee after mass in styrofoam...never in a nice ceramic cup. I hate coffee in a styrofoam cup.

Life's a Laugh said...

I have to agree with Mary from Chicago. Our Sunday masses always ended with gathering for doughnuts and coffee (milk for the kids). Of course there was always a coffee can with a hole cut in the top, dedicated to the role of guilting you into donating money for said doughnuts, coffee and dixie cups of milk. They don't get those fancy robes for nothing right? Oh, and long johns are the skinny doughnuts that have the nifty creme or custard inside. I'm a custard fan myself with chocolate icing.

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, MB; you've never heard of a long john? Come on up to Wisconsin and I'll buy you one. It's a long, cylindrical shaped doughnut with icing on top and sometimes they're left empty but soemtimes they're filled. So good.
My Mom & Dad belong to the local Methodist church & every Sunday they have coffee after service & there are always home baked goodies & usually it's stuff baked by my Mom. Maybe I should start going to church!

Sara N

SkittleKicks said...

Wait until you see the variety of fruits Lutherans can but into Jell-O. It's almost beautiful in a suspended animation sort of way.

Flying Fatality said...

I was raised ELCA Lutheran, and I STILL remember the liturgy. Beautiful German stained glass window above the pulpit, and many pastries to be had. BUT..you can't sell pastries in the church. My youth group tried to have a bake sale on several occasions. What I miss the most is the post-service procession of flags, pastors with colorful vestiments and acolytes weilding candle holder sticks that doubled as weapons during youth retreats.

grammar_queen said...

I grew up Baptist, so I'm well acquainted with the covered-dish dinner (although it was usually covered-dish lunch for us).

My husband and I were invited to my boss's Presbyterian church recently. My boss is taking a leave of absence from the choir and is hoping my husband will fill-in for him. After the service, there was coffee, tea, and a variety of homemade cookies. A few days later, I came home to find a gift bag on our front porch. I was suspicious at first -- there are a lot of teenagers in our neighborhood, anything could have been in that bag. To my surprise, one of the ladies of the church had baked AND delivered to us a very tasty loaf of zucchini bread (which I love). I guess the way to a Protestant's soul is through his/her stomach?

In reference to "long johns" -- they're rectangular donuts with frosting (and a somewhat unfortunate name). There's some debate as to whether the addition of filling means it gets a new name.

Anonymous said...

I love that when you post something related to doughnuts, you have almost 20 comments! That's pretty funny...

mike has no dough said...

MB: Mary from Chicago,
What is this "long-john" of which you type? Because it sounds like something that shouldn't be presented in any house of worship. Both the Lutheran and I are curious. Regional, indeed! :)


You're kidding, right? You never had one once in SB? It's a cross between a donut and an ├ęclair. Image-google "long john donuts" for pics. (Be sure you put "donuts" in there, or you may be in for unpleasant surprises.)

Of course, all donuts are laid waste by the mighty power of the paczki. THAT is probably a regional thing. :)

Monica said...

MB, I had never heard them called "long johns" until I moved to Cincinnati. Servatii's has them (they are basically the long donuts with the custard inside and chocolate on the top), and I think Busken's calls them that as well. In NY, I think we called them "Boston Cream Donuts".

Cbell said...

At my aunt & uncle's Baptist Church in Little Rock, first time visitors receive tortilla chips and salsa.

It's not quite the bread and the fish... but they never seem to run out.

LiteraryAlchemist said...

1. Down here in Texas, we don't know what a "Long John" is. I thought you were doing something untoward with an archaic undergarment. You yankees are so weird.

2. Speaking of yankese: "jimmies". MB said "jimmies". I wouldn't know what "jimmies" are if I hadn't gone to school for a year in Vermont. I wouldn't know what a "bubbler" is, either. Oh and I still laugh at people who say "pop".

3. Grammar_Queen: EVERYTHING in the Presbyterian church is homemade! :) My mother home baked communion bread for our church until she moved to Orlando a couple of years ago. Now that she's moved back I bet they ask her to get back to it.

HelloBettyLou said...

We had pastry and coffee (lemonade for the kiddies) every week in the basement of our Catholic church. Maybe it's a regional thing.

Adrian said...

Mmmmmm donuts....

Starnarcosis said...

MB - what you would have gone to Krispy Kreme and probably called a 'creme stick' is a long john. I love colloquialisms. My favourite is 'kattywompet' - which means askew from or diagonally across from you.

southernstar said...

My wife and I are Baptodists (Methodist and Baptist) and our current church has the best tradition. During the offering hymn, the ladies slip out to the massive flatbed trailer that has been parked by the front of the church and fill it with every kind of food imaginable. Cobblers, pies, fifteen kinds of potatos, and at least three different roasts of three different kinds of animals. Then the rest of us come out and eat until the entire state of Virginia tilts off to the east. I had better stop before my drool shorts out the computer!

red pill junkie said...

you christians and your bread! :-)

Makes you kind of wonder what kind of snacks the scientologists have at their reunions...

Or what about the raelians? I'm sure when they gather they don't have any coffee, or bread... or CLOTHES for that matter! That sure sounds more attractive than a couple of Krispy Kremes ;-)

MacKenzie said...

I grew up Episcopalian which my mom always said was "Catholic without the Mary thing" but after moving to Utah, had to become Lutheran. You're right, those Lutherans really know how to have some good food for "fellowship."

graycie said...

Oh, Honeychile, Southren (not a typo) Baptists begin the after-church dinner with fried chicken -- a dish which, when properly prepared, proves that there is a God.

Previous Tastings