Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Onscreen

Cable capabilities returned today, along with a charming surprise: The company has reset the channel lineup so as to ensure that nothing actually watchable is broadcast. In its place: Nigerian National Television.

WE, home of Bridezillas, is gone, with the result that my weekly means of making myself feel smug and saintly about my own wedding behavior has vanished. Now I'll have to start shelling out for an actual therapist.

Gone too is Style, the fabulousest network of them all, which in its fabulosity insists upon referring to itself with a lowercase "s" in the TV listings, and a period, as though it were some sort of world-changing atheist grammatical statement. Style broadcasts Clean House, which features a weave-brandishing woman yelling at the owners of absolutely horrifically kept homes, like the self-proclaimed Buddhist single father who camped his son out on a broken futon and who, when coaxed to give up a scratchy surfboard, announced, "This sucks ass." Ah, bodhi is truly within your grasp, my friend.

So when I came upon this realization that the angry surf-chunked-hair Buddhist were gone, gone forever I undertook the Jim The Small Child Nephew Official Form of Social Protest, and smacked with both hands the surface upon which I was sitting. And my husband pointed at me and laughed and said it wasn't the end of the world and that I was being lame in the highest degree, and I asked him how he would feel if the Cable Overlords took away his beloved Speed Channel and the NFL Network.

So I sat and pouted and sewed curtains without the help of Yelly Weave Woman, while he flipped channels in silence, a silence broken only by the following:

"What th--"

"Oh, no, they did NOT!"

"THAT'S BULLCRAP!"

We shall learn to love Nigerian National Television. Not.

first time in recorded history a Scottish townhome dweller gave forth a variety of "no you di'ent" at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

6 comments:

Starnarcosis said...

If you ever find BBCAmerica, you can watch "How Clean is Your House", which is the same thing as Clean House only with British Accents, and possibly scarier houses.

MissDirected said...

Well, I don't know if you get BBC America (frankly, if you're getting Nigerian National Television and not BBC America you should change cable companies), but How Clean Is Your House? is basically the same premise, only with two older ladies with great British accents and hilarious senses of humor.

Filth, it seems, has international entertainment value.

Jenn said...

Have you ever watched Turkish television? If they ever send you that (by mistake or on purpose), by all means watch their Wheel of Fortune. It's so . . . sketchy.

Hunter House Mom the MIL - currently in Togo said...

You can watch Nigerian National TV and tell us what we should be sure and watch while we are in Nigeria next month. We wouldn't want to miss anything special :)

classickelly21 said...

MB-
Look on the bright side. You'll seem totally cultured at parties when you can talk about the current events in Nigeria. It'll be like when you can say something cool about one painting in a museum and everything thinks you know all about art. Totally sophisticated.

SaharaChick said...

I laughed very hard at JTP. Sorry they took style. channel away, MB. THAT is an atrocity!

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