Tuesday, June 19, 2007

FDA Approved

I was at Walgreen's yesterday, engaged in the vital bridal activity of purchasing gel shoe inserts for the entire female half of the wedding party. It has dawned on me that our ballet slippers, while comfortable on the toes, offer no more protection between us and the marble floor of the church than standing on a carefully arranged row of business cards might. So. To the good Dr. Scholl I go, basically the only local practitioner my health care will cover.

On the way to the Foot Aisle, however, was the Horribly Unhealthy Weight Loss Aisle. For a moment I hesitated, for I have nine pounds to go and three weeks to do it in. There were big yellow signs all over the shelves: "Alli Is Here!"

Who is this "Alli," and how might she unlump my thighs? Well! Alli is a weight-loss drug, and is perfect for a bride to-be, because the side effects are among the most romantic I have ever read:

  • Gas with an oily anal discharge
  • Loose stools or diarrhea
  • More frequent bowel movements
  • Hard-to-control bowel movements
At least you wouldn't need the Pill.

would love to write the ad copy for the Alli TV commercial at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com


cousin alicia said...

I sign my comments "Cousin Alicia" but everyone calls me Alli. I have to do a double take every time I see one of those ads.

Starnarcosis said...

According to a news article I scanned on this, Alli should be taken in conjunction with eating a "low-fat" diet, consuming less than 15 gr of fat per meal. 15 grams of fat is, like, a cup of cottage cheese and a quarter of an avocado.
If one could consume less than 15 grams of fat per meal one wouldn't NEED the silly pill.

Josh The Pilot said...

Babe, after seeing you this past weekend, I say you are already at your fighting weight. :)

Kayla :-) said...

LOL!!! That is hysterical!!

I only stop laughing when I realize that some women apparently do go to such extremes in order to lose weight in a hurry. That is sad.

All brides are beautiful on their wedding day, and I know you will be also, MB. :-)

E said...

Well of course you lose weight! Everything you eat gets expelled from your body with explosive, oily (ewww!) diarrhea! That should clean you out really really fast. And if it doesn't, just knowing that it's going to happen would be enough to curb my appetite! Alli is marketing genius!

Lex said...

Let me take a moment to congratulate you on being a very sensible bride. I was a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding. She made us wear these gawd-awful pumps that were like little iron maidens for our feet. Then the ceremony took the better part of an hour.

But even that was better than the first plan. Originally, she wanted us to wear sandals that literally cut off my circulation. My feet turned blue in the store.

So, kudos, MB for being a Bride Who Cares (TM). Your bridesmaids will thank you forever.

red pill junkie said...

"Thanks to Ally, I managed to get rid of my good-for-nothing husband!!" :-)

You shouldn't worry about your weight. Stress actually makes one GAIN MORE WEIGHT. Seriously!

mike, down 157 give or take said...

So it's basically Olestra in pill form? Yeah, no thanks on that.

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