Thursday, May 24, 2007

SurvivorWriter

I bid you dry-heat greetings from the Secure Undisclosed Writing Residency, where The Cat That Hates Me and I have made peace. The other day I encountered it on my way to the parking lot, and there was no way I was leaving the building without passing it, and it was just this very socially awkward moment. So I stood several feet away and bent down to pat the cat on the head, saying, "I seem to have picked you up the wrong way. I didn't mean to. I apologize if I caused any pain to you, your family, or your species. Please do not pee on me."

The cat consulted with Jesse Jackson, Dr. Phil, and the women's Rutgers basketball team; then he briefly curled his tail around my legs before sitting down to lick himself in an extremely private area. I think this means that we're good now.

I am also pleased to report that I'm up one book proposal and down two pounds for the week, which is easy to do when you subsist on nothing but tequila and angst. I suppose I could lose more should I simply wander off into the desert like this guy, Survivorman, who I saw today on the Discovery Channel.

He plopped himself into the Sonoran Desert with a multitool, a camcorder, and terminal case of scruff. He then announced that if you, too, should suddenly find yourself in the desert without any food or water or an agent, you should eat grasshoppers, but only after thoroughly cooking them, because, quote, "they can carry tapeworms." I'll admit it-- I'm kinda picky, and I'd prefer it if the tapeworm weren't touching the grasshopper on my plate.

The last I saw of Survivorman, he was squatting over a fire, pronouncing the smoke an anti-BO functionary. Still looked more distinguished than I did last night after "Read What You've Been Working On And Also Drink Your Weight in White Wine" Night.

dignity, always dignity at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Love your reference to singin' in the rain...and I've never told you before, but your writing is always amusing and entertaining. Thanks for such a wonderful procrastination tool!

MB said...

Oh, thank you, anon. Anyone who can pick up a Singin' in the Rain reference is always welcome here in the comments section.

Lisa said...

I just noticed that Secure Undisclosed Writing Residency abbreviates to SUWR.

red pill junkie said...

Funny how the government didn't CENSOR that survivorman guy for teaching potential illegal migrants how to survive in the desert... I still get chills when I remember that part of the film Babel where the maid is lost with the two children on the brink of death.

Wish I could send you a nice bottle of Tequila Herradura Centenario to your undisclosed location. SALUCITA! ;-)

Anonymous said...

I saw that episode as well. Don't forget about how he taught you to eat a scorpion, MB.

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