Tuesday, April 24, 2007

They Just Wanna

My bachelorette party was so pendingly awesome, its awesomeness extended across state lines. It took two entire days to contain the all the awesomeness. We were flying people in for this. It was a Berlin Airlift of wedge shoes and mascara.

No party is a bachelorette party without a small, spitty baby. Behold Oogie Junior, first manchild of Oogie, who joined us for Phase I, which was lunch at Downtown Disney. He was not impressed with me, and said so with his spew. Twice.

A dear child, but, like all children, the best birth control available.

Phase II involved alcohol.

As did Phase III.

This is Flipper and G-Force and the Flaming Fountain of Bitterness at Pat O'Brian's. The bouncer was a very smart man, and carded the entire party. The piano players were less so, and launched into "Imagine," at which point I emptied my drink, slammed the glass down on the bar, and pronounced us gone.

At Margaritaville, we found a competing bachelorette party, which we served, which meant it was on, and we completely out-bacheloretted them, largely because one of the bridesmaids was wearing her bra on top of her shirt.

The evening was fraught with moments which made me glad I am relinquishing my singledom. I was hit upon by both a man and a woman (one said, "Why are you standing at the bar? Are you buying a drink?" and the other tried to grab my behind. The woman did the grabbing. It was that kind of night.)

We were also witness to a group of girls who did credit to the gender by staggering around going "WHOOOOOOOOO!" before falling down in a pile. They were eventually ejected from Margaritaville, and that? Takes work.

The band, traditionally to be trusted, was initially playing Shania Twain. Oogie Junior The Barfing Baby would have come in particularly handy at this point.

It's pretty sad when the band takes twenty, and then people come out to dance. The DJ had to break the glass on the Emergency Bar Anthem and bust out "I Will Survive". Then he did unspeakable things to a stuffed parrot (at left.) I decided that we all had to be pictured together. (NOTE: This decision was made well into Phase III.)

Then the band ditched the woman who had been spinning the horror of Shania, the keyboardist got up for "Fight For Your Right to Party," and the quality of entertainment took a vast upswing. I am told that he held the microphone down to me in time for the verse containing that immortal couplet: "YOUR MOM BUSTED IN AND SAYS WHAT'S THAT NOISE! AW MOM YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS-- IT'S THE BEASTIE BOYS!" "Sing it, honey!"

I teach poetry, by the way.

This picture was taken when I was young, and happy, and hadn't yet heard the words all women dream of hearing at her bachelorette party as she exits the bathroom:

"Hi, Professor Ellis! Will you have our essays to hand back on Monday?"


sleeping it off at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com


notoriousmac said...

thank God I don't have a roommate, because my laughing at that last picture just earned me a timid knock on my front door. Whoops.

Josh The Pilot said...

I see Squishy Pillow made it to the party. Good ol' Squishy Pillow!

cousin alicia said...

That looks like some great bachelorette fun there. I haven't partied like that since high school.

MB said...

Ain't no party without Squishy Pillow!

Amy said...

So I'm looking at that picture of you and the DJ and, of course, the molested parrot, and I'm thinking, "Why is MB wearing a poncho?" It took looking at the picture for at least 30 seconds before it clicked that the poncho was the DJ's leg. You sassy minx!

CortneyTree said...

It does take work to get ejected from Margaritaville, but particularly as a hired performer. I am, in 28 short days, marrying a man who fronted a band that played all the Margaritaville locales, and even participated in the opening of that particular location. Unfortunately, one July, after a two week stint playing at Universal (1 week too long, it would seem) the band was asked NEVER to return. A bachelor party was involved. After being told (deep into week two) by the manager that Margaritaville Universal was *family* oriented and that they should behave accordingly, the band's response was to auction off pieces of the groom-to-be's clothing, one by one, culminating in auctioning off the groom himself, in only his boxers. I believe he did a stage dive. Management was less than thrilled. I hope they've loosened up since then. At any rate, I do not miss my misspent youth, or his, come to think of it, but I'm glad I got out with the stories.

MB said...

Awesome. I love how the same man who named his band the "Coral Reefers" and has an ENTIRE SONG entitled "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw" is suddenly concerned with fully-boxered grooms. You should only get kicked out of Margaritaville for not being mellow enough.

Sounds like you're marrying a lifetime of excellent stories, cortneytree. Happy wedding :)

ShannJ said...

Looks like an awesome time was had by all. And that last picture? Freaking hilarious!!!!!!

Carrie said...

so, so jealous - when's the Cincy round? Of course they frown upon pregnant women drinking MB style so I wouldn't be nearly as much fun . . .

(sit back and wait for the email from MB . . .)

MB said...

EEEEEEEEEEEE, Baby Shapiro!!!!!

Lisa said...

Why oh why isn't there a picture of the competing bachelorette bridesmaid with her bra on her shirt?
Purely as a matter of proving how vastly superior mb's group was, of course.

ShannJ said...

Ooh - I'm up for the Cincy round too. Carrie - I don't know what you're talking about, pregnant women not being fun - is it the going to bed before the sun goes down, or the bathroom trips every 30 seconds? We would make great DD's!!! Congratulations, by the way!

MB said...

Cincinnati version!! CINCINNATI VERSION!!

Owen the Reader said...

I just gotta say ... well done, well done indeed.

red pill junkie said...

"drinking MB style" ?

That sounds like my kind of fun!


PS: Remember to add to the Cincinnati version the whole "arriba... abajo... al centro... y pa'dentro!" in the repertoire.

Jenib said...

I loved that last picture! Too funny. My bachelorette party was so lame that I just tell people I didn't have one. It was that bad. I am really glad you seem to have had a great one. :-)

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