Gordo...

I believe we may declare the ‘80’s as officially over now.

We are all aware of my strong feelings regarding Mary Lou Retton, so you can imagine my galactic upset when I came upon a full-length article discussing her lifelong heartbreaking struggle with: an overactive bladder.

As previously discussed in this space, I enjoy announcing to everybody I know, as well as a whole entire Internet's worth of total strangers, that I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS. And HEMORRHOIDS are completely uncool, so I can’t imagine that it’s any more fun to have to pee all the time.

I practically do this anyway. Anyone who has been in my general vicinity while consuming anything over .000000000001 milliliters of alcohol had better prepare themselves for a conversation conducted in four-minute intervals. “’Scuse me—exit strategy for the Chablis—be right back.” Dreeeeeeeam date!

I am so glad that Mary Lou decided to share this with us. This is easily the most important celebrity endorsement of a bodily dysfunction since Jerry Mathers bravely denounced psoriasis. I cannot wait for the Oprah interview, for as we all know celebrity discomfort does not exist unless it has been publicly wept over first.

Well, the position of National Spokesperson For HEMORRHOIDS seems to be open. My life is going to be so much more awesome now.

be sure to stick the landing on the toilet seat: blondechampagne@hotmail.com