This just in from Down Under....

FIVE-YEAR BAN FOR DOPE JOCKEY
"NT jockey Phillip Johnson has been banned for five years after he tested positive to drugs and threatened a steward with a telephone."

Let's take this sentence apart, shall we? OK, first of all, we have here a jockey-- an Aussie jockey, granted, but they're still no NBA players down there, they just get on the horses in the other direction-- who was banned for smoking, of all things, pot. How galactically stupid is this guy? "Hey, I have to make weight, let's get out the BONG!" Dumbass. Everybody knows that if you're a jock and you want to have a colossal drug abuse problem, you go for a nice, thinning cocaine addiction. Not pot. Not the drug responsible for 95% of all Pringles sales in the civilized world.

Then we have the second half of it: "... after he tested positive to drugs and threatened a steward with a telephone."

Some thoughts:

1) Thaaaaaaaat's great. Every pothead I know, when threatened, immediately goes for the Motorola.

2) Way to go on the whole steward situation, dude. Since the drug tests weren't problematic enough for you, it's an excellent idea to threaten the sole person who has exclusive power over YOUR ENTIRE CAREER.

3) A telephone? He’s five-two and the first weapon he goes for is a telephone? Honey, if you’re going the office-supply route, always go for the highlighter. It’s pointier.

But Wait There's More:

“Johnson claimed he smoked dope because he was in pain following a haemorrhoid operation.”

(Why do our friends in GB terry-tories give hemorrhoids an extra “a”? Aren’t they un-fun and hard enough to spell already? Freaks.)

Look, I have hemorrhoids. Let’s type that again, just for fun and emphasis: I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS. And this operation isn’t exactly a box lunch by the lake. But… pot? Which will—I just can’t get past this food issue—cause you to crave such colon-friendly foods as salsa and guacamole dip? Did the dog eat your tack, too?

“On the last occasion in 2001, the winner of the 1992 Alice Springs Cup on True Tales claimed unwittingly eating carrot cake laced with marijuana had been the reason for his elevated cannabis level. “

What in hell is going on in Australia? Carrot cake? This guy can’t bake brownies like the rest of planet Earth? Did he just make a drug-cake out of whatever was lying around the barn? (Speaking of… on second thought, maybe carrot cake wasn’t such a bad option.)

“The latest swab on Johnson was taken on September 6 and he was advised by Alice Springs Turf Club chief steward Ross Lennox to be at the track on September 26 where he was to be advised of an irregularity in the swab.“

Given the complication of the whole “haemorrhoid operation”, I’m very grateful that we aren’t told exactly where this swab came from. I wanna be a steward when I grow up!

“On that day Johnson was said to have smashed a tape recorder which he took from the steward's room and that he also raised a telephone over the head of Lennox in a threatening manner.”

What did the police report look like on this one? “F'ing moron perpetrator threatened victim with a telephone as perfectly menacing HP printer sat by unmolested.”

Also: Who owns a tape recorder anymore? Even if it was one of those weensey little micro-mini ones you use for dictation… so what? Destroying one of those is threatening? Those damn things unspool if you breathe on them in the wrong direction. My God, don’t ever let this man in a Radio Shack unattended.