God's Horse

Two days after the Kentucky Derby, I published an article proclaiming Smarty Jones "God's Horse." Of course he's God's Horse. He is also a Catholic horse.

Look, look, at this article. Smarty's trainer, John Servis, was an altar boy and has a Dominican aunt working on this whole Triple Crown business for him. A Sacred Heart medallion was slipped beneath Smarty's saddle blanket for the Derby and again for the Preakness (The medallion was almost lost in the tumult after the Derby when Stewart Elliott pulled his saddle off. A passer-by in the paddock picked it up and held it out to Servis later in the week: Does this belong to anybody?)

Now comes help from the pastor of Our Lady of Fatima, Father Thomas Homa, who blessed Smarty the other day. "I asked the Lord to give Smarty Jones good health, I asked Him to protect Smarty during the Belmont Stakes, and I asked Him to give Smarty the special gift of the Triple Crown," said Fr. Homa. (Smarty was probably all, "Who the hell are you, and why aren't you feeding me anything?")

Oh, yeah. This is good. This is very, very good. Now we're pulling Mother Mary into this. The FATIMA version. The Fatima version is the one that pulled down Communism, y'all. I think she can handle a ten-horse field.

We'll find out after the Belmont whether or not Smarty is a true American Catholic, of course, if he starts bitching about celibate men telling women what kind of birth control to use and grudgingly looking around for a hoof to hold during the singing of the Our Father.