Horrible

Okay... I'm a horrible person, and I did a horrible thing.

I was grading papers, doing brain-things, and I actually had to stop at one point due to the loss of intellectual activity by the TV in the background, which was tuned to... Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team.

Here is what I learned:

-There is a person in this world named "Starr Spangler," and when she was born, her parents looking lovingly down at hear and said, "Won't she make a wonderful porn star someday, honey? Let's call her 'Starr.'"

-In order to become a professional cheerleader, one must reorder one's priorities. Direct quote: "Well, being a cheerleader is a full-time job. (Pause.) Plus, being a mom on top of that." This was announced by "Whitney," who needs to give her daughter to a foster mother who does not make a living out of setting back the women's movement thirty-odd years.

-YOU'RE FAT. ALL OF YOU, FAT.

-During an interview with the judges, if you are asked "What does wearing the Dallas Cowgirl uniform mean to you?" the correct answer is most likely not "I would keep it clean and return it at the end of the season."

-If you are unattractive, you need to get a fake tan, and some streaky skunk hair, and a big ol' bottle of White Rain. Then, and only then, you will be fit for polite society.

-And even if you do contain some sort of horrible physical defect such as, for instance, having thighs with a circumference larger than .000000005 inches, there are airbrushers on hand to ensure the whites of your eyes are the approximate color of God's beard on the Official Team Photo.

-When speaking of one's breasts, one must refer to them as one's "girls".

rah! at: mb@blondechampagne.com