"We can kill him together! It'll be fun!"

I'm extremely disturbed by this, but the guy who plays Scott Evil in Austin Powers? Is completely cute in The Italian Job. (I may be eighty-seven paces ahead of the rest of you culturally, but where movies are concerned, I'm consistently a decade or so behind. I saw Better Off Dead for the first time in life two weeks ago, no lie. So to see this thing within the same Presidential administration in which it was released is something along the lines of a minor Act of God.)

I couldn't take Seth Green seriously for the first forty-five minutes of the movie, as I kept expecting Frau Farbissina to show up and holler "SCAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHT!" His adorableness, however, increased exponentially as he hacked LA's highway system to control the traffic of the whole city. "And you'll stop....... here," here says, hitting the Enter key as an entire subway system screeches to a halt. Hot. I want me a man who can do that, and knock out the toll booths while he's at it. I'd seriously consider chucking the whole virginity thing for a single toll-free morning on the 408.

Perhaps I developed The Real Napster focus because I was studiously avoiding the person, character, and general presence of Marky-Mark Funky Bunch Wahlberg, in a rare appearance in which he is actually wearing pants for ninety consecutive minutes. Mark brings to mind his brother Donnie, which brings to mind my intense but humiliating New Kids on the Block fixation, which makes me want to die. Maybe it was the crap somebody was putting in the concrete that held my dental braces on. I don't know. Whatever it was, two years of my young life are forever blackened by my not only tolerance of, but lust for, a person who wore large diamond-encrusted peace symbols and sweatshirts reading "HOMEBOY."

All you fanboys out there needn't fear the temporary competition, however. Under the "Quotes" section in Seth's IMDB entry, there is the following bit of unfortunateness: "There are two kinds of people in this world," he says, "Michael Jackson fans and losers." Riiiiiiight.

Email The Fake Napster at: blondechampagne@hotmail.com