You ever notice that Andy Rooney is a total and complete asshat?

I really don't want to get in the middle of the whole Passion thing, given that I don't plan to see it. My friend Michelle just offered me a ticket. I turned her down with great Christian kindness.

"Hell, no," I said. "I plan to sleep again."

Film violence and I do not get along tremendously well. This is a person who views the Star Wars universe as a life-changing entity, Jar Jar Binks excepted, and has not yet seen the entirety of The Empire Strikes Back because she cannot bear to watch Luke Skywalker's fake hand get fake cut off. I lasted through precisely four seconds of Pulp Fiction. "But it's a work of art!" people kept telling me. Noooooo... Audrey Hepburn in a big hat screaming "COME ON, DOVER, MOVE YOUR BLOOMIN' ASS!!!!" is art. Pulp Fiction is Greased Lightnin' spattering random people's brain tissue on every available surface. There's a difference.

Bottom line, I just don't see myself settling down in a theatre with a big ol' tub of popcorn and an Icee, all, "Let's see some crucifyin'!"

However. Sometimes the assiness out there about this movie is just so jaw-dropping that I have to bust out a siddown. And I don't believe I've ever administered such a heartily felt siddown as the one I'm about to fling at Scary Eyebrows.

Here's what Rooney adorably announced that God said to him-- "Mel is a real nut case. What in the world was I thinking when I created him?"

Okay: Wow. Just-- wow. If you have a problem with the movie, Adorable Andy--which, by the way, you have not seen-- then attack the movie. But to blithely assert that God made a mistake in creating another human being? Um, no. Maybe God is wondering what He was thinking when He created you.

Scary Eyebrows also wants to know "how many millions of dollars" Mel plans to make "off the crucifixion of Jesus." You know what, Andy? If you're going to play that game, then let's bitch about how Spielberg "made millions of dollars off the murder of six million Jewish people" or Tom Hanks "made millions of dollars off the death of thousands on D-Day" or James Cameron "made millions of dollars off the death of the passengers of the Titanic, not to mention inflicting further Celine Dion on the world in the process."

Also? Get your damn facts straight, Andy. Nobody in Hollywood wanted to touch The Passion. If this were about money, Universal would have been all over it from the get-go and McDonald's would be selling Crown of Thorns Happy Meals. Mel had to finance this movie alone. He had to distribute it alone. The "millions of dollars" are going to come from people who have made the independent decision to see the movie, whether moved by faith or by art or the fact that the actor portraying Jesus, I am disturbed to report, is really quite hot.

Granted, I'm sitting here looking at a website that sells Passion-licensed nail necklaces. You can get them in two sizes! Small, and Railroad Spike!

Andy? Sit. Down.

Oh, didn't God tell you to when you had your cute little "conversation"? You must have heard Him wrong.