I saw my first Terminator movie last night, courtesy of Rifftrax. It was the one with all the explosions.
For precision's sake, I just looked it up, and it appears I was exposed to T3: Rise of the Machines. Claire Danes' fiance is killed in the first act, and she reacts, predictably, by whining. Visine flows freely down her cheeks, not because her fiance is dead, but because... "He was killed because of me!" Claire. It's not about you. Dude's head is splattered all over a wall and a lovely picture of the two of you complete with IKEA frame, and all you can think about is the legal ramifications.
I called Josh The Pilot when it was all over and told him that I hoped he never got shot in the face by an assassin robot, and he simply accepted this pronoucement without demanding explanation. You have no choice but to marry a person like that.
tawhk to da hahhnd at: mb@blondechampagne.com
Saturday, March 17, 2007
I Won't Be Back
Posted by Anonymous at Saturday, March 17, 2007 12 comments
Friday, March 16, 2007
Wind
The air conditioning is out on the Pending BrideMobile. It waits until I turn the dial all the way to the coldest setting, and then responds by pouring out warm air. Sweet. Just in time for summer! In Florida!
I have a 30-minute highway commute two days a week, which is a long way to haul in a driver's seat that achieved the same temperature of the surface of the sun ten minutes after lunch. I tried opening one window, which created some kind of weird pressure situation that made my head feel strange, which, come to think of it, may be attributable to the fact that it was Retro Bistro hour on the radio and M.C. Hammer had been injected into the situation.
So I opened the window on the passenger side, which lessened the pressure a little bit, but instead created an in-car tornado which made my hair an enormous head-knot. This led me to enter the WTF Zone and lower the other two windows as well.
By this time I was going 80. Ever gone 80 in a car with all four windows down? You hear the road. You hear your car. You cannot hear M.C. Hammer, which turns out to be a pretty good thing anyway. I was in my own little hurricane. You shouldn't try it sometime.
a week in the parts 'n' service department at: mb@blondechampagne.com
Posted by Anonymous at Friday, March 16, 2007 11 comments
Thursday, March 15, 2007
"I'm sure you're aware that..."
Yes, I know the headline of the article is "How Come We're Stupider Than a '5th Grader'?". Yes, I know that "stupider" is not, in fact, a word. But as I've mentioned to several emailers and commenters now,
1) there's this little thingy-thing called irony
2) the copy editor of the website is the one who created the irony, not me. I know this. I used to be a copy editor. Oh, awesome, more irony! I have emailed MSNBC.com with a request to take away the irony so that none of us are confused anymore. We are now dumber than a fifth grader.
Man, sometimes I really wish my soccer career had taken off.
yes, I know "thingy" is NOT A WORD EITHER at: mb@blondechampagne.com
Posted by Anonymous at Thursday, March 15, 2007 17 comments
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Welcome MSNBC.com Readers
May we all be smarter than this particular fifth grader, who that season scored a goal of her very own, although not necessarily for her own team.
Posted by Anonymous at Tuesday, March 13, 2007 22 comments
Monday, March 12, 2007
You Must Learn Control
From the files of World’s Most Inappropriate Things to Discuss With a Bride You Don’t Even Know is a full-on discussion of various methods of birth control, and how they’re all going to utterly fail in preventing what we all fear most: Me attempting to assume total responsibility for another human being.
The Pill
Method: Woman takes an estrogen or progesterone pill at the same time every single day.
Depo-Provera
Method: Total stranger gives the woman a hormonal shot in her butt every three months.
Drawbacks, Other Than the Method Itself: Depo is also forcibly administered to sex offenders in prison. Awesome! I'll take one (1) lifetime supply, please!
NuvaRing
Method: Woman shoves what is essentially a hormone-filled jelly bracelet into her lady area each month.
Drawbacks: Really don’t want something I used to wear on my arm as a ten-year-old crammed up my hooha as a thirty-year-old.
The Patch
Method: Woman wears an enormous square Band-Aid in order to distribute estrogen cutaneously and advertise to one & all that SHE IS TOTALLY ON THE PATCH, EVERYBODY!
On the FAQ page, the Ortho-Evra people found it necessary to include the following reminder to the inquiry, “Can I decorate the Patch?”: “You should not write on the Patch, cut it, alter or damage it in any way.” You know why they had to put that on there—there’s a kid roaming the Earth right now who, when he asks his mommy where he came from, will get the following answer: “I wanted to pimp out my Patch for the
Drawbacks: Dropping dead.
Condoms
Method: Um.
Drawbacks: Ew.
Of course, there’s not injecting, inserting, or imbibing anything at all, on purpose, and then this happens:
Meet Alexander Matthew, firstborn of Carah The BFFE.
Doesn’t seem too bad, especially if you get Carah as a mommy.
no Saint Mary's scholarship for this one at: mb@blondechampagne.comPosted by Anonymous at Monday, March 12, 2007 21 comments
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