Monday, December 03, 2007

Whirling Cows

Dear People Responsible For Desperate Housewives:

Many congratulations on your creation of the World's Least Realistic Tornado. I would love to know what sort of otherworldly weather dome hovers over Wisteria Lane, such that people in the path of a tornado have an entire day's warning in the form of a wind machine slowly ramping up over a 24-hour period from "suspiciously breezy day" to "WHAT?! WHAAAAAAAAAAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU REDUBBING YOUR LINES OVER THE WIND MACHINE!!"

And then when the funnel actually arrived, it was so good as to do so the guise of a hurricane. Everybody was wandering around taping windows, people. There was a little kid selling bottled water at gouge prices door to door. If some little kid back in my 'hood (shoutout to the General Custer's Last Ice Cream Stand, yo!) tried gouging people in the middle of a tornado warning, you know what would happen? That is correct: Nothing. Because everybody would be in the *#&$% basement. You don't have time to sell bottled water in an actual tornado. You might create some water, but you don't buy any.

Are none of the writers or producers from the Midwest? Have they never spent, like, four seconds in front of You're Going To Die Any Second Now on the Weather Channel? All they had to do was screen the first twenty minutes of that meteorological poop for one Midwesterner, and that Midwesterner, after he stopped laughing, would have gently informed the big famous important Hollywood people that when there is a tornado watch, most towns forgo setting up a public shelter.

Once the storm actually showed up, it was a particularly efficient tornado. Let us have a casualty roundup:

-Victor (killed by fisty, fisty irony)
-A fugly lawn fountain (killed by the forces of good taste; the tornado was not only efficient, it was fabulous)
-Some woman some guy slept with some time (sucked right out of a doorway)
-One car (dropped upside down in the middle of a street as Victor and Carlos stood fully upright nearby, hair slightly tousled)
-Possibly Carlos (taken out by the fountain)
-Possibly one cat (because only the smartest, bestest cats run towards the danger)
-Possibly Lynette's entire family (buried under a neighbor's house, which would at least solve her childcare problems)

Not that I don't allow room for suspension of disbelief, but when that disbelief is supposed to be suspended for twenty minutes while the people who see the funnel cloud bearing down on the cul-de-sac run outside for a nice gun battle? Noooooooot so much.

supercell at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

9 comments:

kelebek }{ said...

Can't be as bad ad the Tsunami that struck Harmony in Passions. God I miss that soap!

Starnarcosis said...

Or almost any scene in "Twister". Especially the one where they've hooked their belts around the pipes and are holding on....

Amy said...

Because everybody would be in the *#&$% basement.

Yep!

To be fair, over the summer they were calling for potential super-cell storms to hit SE Wisconsin, and I did have time to pack an emergency basket. Nothing happened.

But if you don't know that tornadoes give little, if any warning...geez. I know the Midwest is considered flyover country by Hollywood types, but pick up a phone and call someone in any one of the states in Tornado Alley.

Red Pill Junkie said...

A tornado? Is that the best they could come up with? Booooring!

Me, I would have gone all the way, and make a VOLCANO appear right in the middle of Wistery Lane :-)

ShannJ said...

Amen! Exactly what I was thinking the entire time. Does anyone know if there are any more episodes coming, or if that was the last until the writer's strike is over?

Kell Belle said...

Kelebek--
Passions is still on. Directv has it on channel 101. It is exclusive on their system. Don't know if that'll help you or not but I swear it is true. My friend records it everyday and she made me watch 5 episodes in a row one night. I could feel my brian cells actually dying that night.

KB

MB said...

Shannyboat-- There is one more in the can that they filmed just as the strike was beginning, but it's not being aired just yet, because Marc Cherry hates you.

WanderingUpNorth said...

Next up... it's hunting season in the cul-de-sac. The wives decide to go "up north" deer hunting and meet up with a ruggedly good looking hunter named Chad. Chad is a real man's man although his hands are curiously soft and uncalloused. He works at the local lumber mill that's been in his family for 100 years but is brooding about the loss of his wife in a horrible Mix Master accident two years ago. He sports a red and black checked wool coat from LL Bean ($160) field pants from LL Bean ($120) guide boots from LL Bean ($175) and a black turtle neck presumably from LL Bean ($29). Romantic sparks fly... blah blah blah. No deer were injured in the filming and no blaze orange clothing regulations were respected.

kelebek }{ said...

kell belle,
Oh Oh I want Direct TV! Except I've moved to Australia now and they don't have Direct TV! They do show Passions around 2 AM at some channel or another but I've never stayed up long enough to see if they're new episodes. Maybe I will give it a shot today.
amy,
As a former SE Wisconsin resident I miss manically watching channel four to follow the map of warnings and watches. No exciting weather events happens in Melbourne. There is a drought now so we don't even get rain here! And it's summer here now. Summer, 80 degree weather with twenty days to go till Christmas. Maybe they should shoot some of the Desperate Housewives here just to up the weird factor!

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