Friday, December 14, 2007

O Come, Let Jeff Adore Him

In my first Christmas as a married lady, I struggled for days decorate our new home with a respectful mixture of old traditions and new tackiness. So the ornaments from the year I was born went right next to the great globs of 47 cent tinsel from Wal-Mart.

We have new stockings, which we hung with care by the over the pressed-wood board supported by aluminum brackets. Santa can fill them after he comes in through the fireplace's gas line.

My nativity set is the Precious Moments one from my childhood, constructed a day at a time throughout Advent, Baby Jesus last, so that by Christmas Eve a multitude had gathered to gaze worshipfully at a hunk of bent hay from Frank's Nursery and Crafts. I'm not that patient, so now that I'm in charge of this Bethlehem, everybody showed up at the stable at the same time.

It was startling, however, once I pulled everyone out of their respective Styrofoam cradles; everything was so small. I honestly thought I was missing some of the pieces, and there was another, larger set back at my parents' house somewhere. Wasn't St. Joseph, like, the size of of my head? What was he doing this teeny? It was like revisiting the teacup ride at Disney World after trying to wedge myself into the seat since last sitting there in 1985; women have shrinkage issues too, you see.

St. Nick found his way through the gas line on the 6th, and left Josh The Pilot a Jeff Gordon: Attractive Famous Person DVD, and also Pez. I was fine with this as long as Jeff and his left turns stayed in the living room and out of my office, and kitchen, and living room, and backyard, and car. The next morning, however, I came downstairs to find the following:

Well! Isn't it nice of Jeff Gordon to loom ominously over the Christ Child!

Once more, issues of proportion frighten me enormously here; Jeff Gordon towers over the very trees of Bethlehem, daring them to pass him on the inside. I am assured, however, he brought sponsor-approved gifts of DuPont paint, Nicorette gum, and Pepsi.

merrily on high at:


Anonymous said...

Why are there soap bubbles on top of the stable?

The looming presence of Jeff is even scarier when you click on the pic and see it full size.

Anonymous said...

It's fluffy, fluffy snow, darn it!

Red Pill Junkie said...

So my mom's wrong: the name of the 4th missing magus was NOT Artaban... but Jeff!

I suppose that explains it, he didn't make it to Bethlehem because he ran out of gas... or sponsors :-)

Monica said...

It's so sad. Jeff Gordon tries and tries to make it to the stable to see the Christ child. Unfortunately, he is limited to traveling in circles. He can only catch mere glimpses of the newborn king as he races around in never ending ovals.

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