Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Air

I've been wondering what the Official Horrible Decoration of the 2007 Christmas season would be. It's difficult to top the Frosty That Ate The Baby Jesus of 2005, but then I saw this in full rotation at the Home Depot:

Now THAT'S how to worship the newborn Savior! Rotating nylon as big as all outdoors!

But there's an even more disturbing entry. For the past several months I've been noticing the alarming rise of the Small Pointless Sphere in living room decor; every swishy reality TV designer from here to HGTV has heaped them in bowls on night tables and kitchen sideboards and wee little shelves in a sadly misguided process of awesomefying a house.

It's disturbing, to say the least; if you're going to have balls around, make sure they are the useful kind. These balls do nothing but require dusting and present the opportunity to become weaponry in the hands of the right three-year-old. If you tried to plop these in the middle of my living room, my new decor would come sailing directly at your head. I barely have room for my Yankee Candle storage warehouse and the precious knick knacks I have amassed over the years in the form of plastic purple dolphins that came attached to oversized Long Island Iced Teas. There is no space remaining for pointless roundness.

Let us think. Is there a way these could possibly become more pointless?

But of course, sayeth the outdoor Christmas industry.

You click "enlarge 2000%", light 'em up, and roll 'em outside!

What happened here? This isn't a Christmas decoration. This is Blitzen eating a strand of icicle lights from your actual Christmas decorations, and then taking an enormous dump just as he lifts off for the next house. Way to go, outdoor Christmas industry! You've awed me once again.

not even frost on the pumpkins yet at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

17 comments:

shea said...

As a fellow SMC belle from the great state of TEXAS, I feel obliged to point out something that you have clearly overlooked. La Depot is merely catering to its southern partners by selling pre-lit "tumbleweeds", the traditional holiday decor of this great state o'mine. Perhaps you've heard the rockin christmas song, "O tumbleweed, O tumbleweed"?
It's ok to fear what you don't understand.

Rick said...

With each passing year I find it more difficult to get into the secular Christmas spirit. The real significance of the holiday has been lost in a sea of crass commercialism. It's so rare that one actually sees a nativity scene, even outside a church because someone may be offended. The Baby Jesus offensive? Really now.

Starnarcosis said...

Soon, very soon, the local High Priest of Inflatable Gods will prepare for the yearly "Lighting of the PVC". There will be pictures.
In the meantime, Thor wants to know who stole his drinking cup and put balls in it at Home Depot?

Anonymous said...

Okay, the Blitzen statement was priceless! Thanks for the first laugh of the morning!

Sara N

Flying Fatality said...

Hilarious. Great blog MB. If you want a Halloween-y taste in this spirit of tacky decorations, just Google Foy's Halloween Stores of Fairborn Ohio. Just a few blocks from my house is a giant Alien next to a headless horseman. It's nuts here man. Here's some info for anyone interested. http://www.daytondailynews.com/e/content/oh/story/entertainment/2006/10/19/ddn102006gofoys.html

red pill junkie said...

Well, don't hate me, but I kinda like those last ones, the lighted tumbleweeds shea refers to. They might look interesting in a nice big garden at night.

Besides, using big-ass round spheres as a decoration is in fact, a millenarian tradition; check this out.

classickelly21 said...

MB-

Are you sure those balls are decoration and not modren art? I am thinking maybe there is some modern artist out there shaking his head cause you just aren't seeing the beauty of his creation.

Personally, I think you are right about the reindeer but hey, I was only an art major not a real artist.

Anonymous said...

ahhh, one of my favorite events of the year! tracking down the neighbors with the most tacky decorations. this post was awesome.

I think one of the most disturbing displays I have seen was a plastic Santa on someone's roof. There was a string of lights, coming from around.... his waist, and going in an arch to the ground.

I don't understand the ginormous blow up creatures either. plus, they're expensive, and definitely a target for daring teenagers.

Cbell said...

Thank you for sharing my exact words on tacky Holiday outdoor cheer. I have a cousin in Arkansas (and that may explain things) who has three, count 'em THREE inflatable Christmas displays in her front yard alone!

I went there last year and found myself in Ho-Ho-Hell.

Anonymous said...

I believe the "balls" are meant to serve as an asthetic focal point. Not all art has a function. Granted, I prefer not to decorate my home with mass-producted "art" that everyone else has. But I suppose one can't expect anything beyond that at Home Depot, the mother of mass production.
~Laura

MB said...

Well, yeah, not all art needs to have a function. I'm sitting here with rocks on my desk and rope lining the walls. But art should also not be THIS STUPID.

Anonymous said...

I do have to say, MB, that I think your former state of residence can sometimes have the tackiest Christmas decorations. Yes, I'm talking about the great state of Florida. We were at my parent's vacation home down there for Christmas one year and the big wooden cut out of a snowman in the neighbor's yard was priceless. Being from Wisconsin, snowmen look normal in our yards in December. In Florida? Not so much! (I must say, I do like the palm trees wrapped in lights!)

Sheridan1 said...

LMAO...I mean it! I'm rolling with laughter! What better way to start the day!

"Oh tumbleweed..." Oh no! The tune is running through my head. I'm gonna bust a gut in a second!

"Blitzen!" Ok that's it! I'm not going to be able to read if you don't give me a chance to catch my breath!

Good one MB...good one!

Cara said...

I'm inclined to fast-pitch any sort of round object sitting idly in a basket....it's...too.....tempting....

Starnarcosis said...

cbell - the high priest of the inflatable gods in my local area had, at last count, fifty-seven of the things.

Katrina said...

Yes, the Santa ferris wheel is bad, but it *could* be worse - they could have baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the three wise men riding in the darn thing ;)

Maybe next year...

Katrina

Jenib said...

LOL, this is just absolute greatness. Blitzen's gift to Christmas lawns had me giggling.

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