Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Red Cheeks, For Serious

I was ironing last night, and simulatenously rocking. out. to the 90's channel that comes out of my television. I do not pretend to understand or afford it; I merely enjoy hearing, for the first time in a decade and a half, "Batdance."

But then Shania Twain showed up, which meant that the ironing board and about a week's worth of skirts flew through the air in a frantic attempt to MAKE HER DERIVATIVE FAKE-NAMED SELF GO FAR, FAR AWAY. When the cotton-poly blends came to a rest, I found myself looking at: The Bachelor.

Twenty-five Shanias of all races and ages came pouring out of limos and said such self-uterus-hating things as the following:

"I'm a nurse, and I'm here to check your vitals and make your heart go pitter-pat."

"They said you were hot, but you're a fire extinguisher!" (very, very sadly, I must add--sic.)

"I'm an international citizen of the world."

One, named "McCarton," since her parents think it's awesome to name children after drive thru meal combos, decided to array herself in a dress consisting entirely of beaded fringe. I can understand that. Any self-respecting woman wants to be able to tell her someday-babies, "As soon as your father saw the beads dangling from my boobs, he knew we were meant to be."

Another woman, whose name I forget because her parents do not hate her, showed up with her night-setting cheeks in full blast. I made a better showing with blusher when I was seven years old and sitting down to my Strawberry Shortcake vanity with a TinkerBell rougepot. I have Halloween pictures of myself from this era with subtler makeup jobs.

A rejectee was a high school biology teacher, and I was somewhat hopeful when I saw what she does for a living, because-- hey. That is an actual career, one which deals in cat guts, so props. But once she departed roseless, she wandered the parking lot, wailing, for, as the promos just before the rose ceremony should have warned her, her dream of marrying the bachelor... was crushed... FOREVER. Have fun at school on Tuesday morning, Ms. Biology Teacher! May your splendid example of independent womanhood shine forever upon the impressionable faces of your young female charges.

As to The Bachelor himself, he is faux-scruffy and owns four bars and would like to marry a "sexy" person. He bespoke of his initial impressions of all the ladies, and said of one woman who greeted him in Greek: "... but for her to follow it up in a different language, I felt an instant connection." Mmmmm. There is no better connection than having absolutely no clue what your mate is saying. I feel this way whenever I watch Josh The Pilot talk to another pilot about endless piloty crap. When he starts speaking entirely in acronyms and begins to address at great length such topics as pre-wired mode-c transponder kits and multiengine land ratings? We are very deeply bonded.

And! Coming up later in the season! The Bachelor has... an identical twin! Who will be... employed in... some... nefarious reality fashion! And his name is Chad, just like Space Ghost's evil twin! Man, you can't trust those freaky samey-same twins.

vicki vale at: mbe@drinktothe lasses.com


Cbell said...

You know... what I don't get about women who actually CHOOSE to do a reality show like the bachelor is that somewhere in their brain the following thought had to have occurred: "Here's a great idea... I will find the perfect man by SHARING HIM with 15 of my closest strangers and depending on who is best in the bedroom... I'll find true happiness!"


Life's a Laugh said...

cbell...I totally hear you on this. These women are supposed to be smart, beautiful, and, you would hope, role models for young women everywhere. Instead, they fight over who gets sloppy seconds of a guy who will humiliate them on national television by saying, "Sorry, you're just not good enough for me." How many of The Bachelors have actually married the woman that "won"? Oh, that's right, none of them. Why bother ladies? I'm sure you can find a very nice guy who will treat you right and not leave you sobbing your eyes out in a limo while you profess how much you were in love with him for all of the television audience to see. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm at work reading this blog and trying so hard not to laugh out loud! I don't watch The Bachelor but I did see the new bachelor on Entertainment Tonight taking a shower & they made a huge thing about "We have The Bachelor taking a shower! Stay tuned to Entertainment Tonight for all the details!"
I changed the channel.

Sara N

Starnarcosis said...

Vickie Vale never did manage to land Bruce, either.

Flying Fatality said...

Is it me or do most of the Manly Men on The Bachelor look a lot like Ryan Seacrest?? All metrosexual, lathered with hair product? No wait...that's Ty from Extreme HM. Oh well.
Give me a look alike of "Doug" from King of Queens, and I'll be auditioning for that show IN AN INSTANT!!! Bear Huggy Goodness.

Anonymous said...

I don't watch either but it always makes me feel good to know I am not so desperate as to go on national TV to try and land a guy. I can't imagine what the try outs for that show must be like.

So not needing a boyfriend that badly.

mike, duke of the princess city said...

flying fatality: Give me a look alike of "Doug" from King of Queens, and I'll be auditioning for that show IN AN INSTANT!!! Bear Huggy Goodness.

I knew I opened this comment thread for a reason. :)

You rock, FF. And I'm sure the bachelorettes totally love his personality and character and not that he's studly and has a job that makes him incredibly wealthy. They always do. What is it this year? Lemme check . . . oh, he owns a bar. Well, that's better, at least. They're usually doctors or real estate moguls.

Anonymous said...

I'm also glad I'm not the only one who prefers Hitch's buddy to the smarm that is The Bachelor. Nicely done, ladies.

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