Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Just Another Housewife

I'll be writing about the new season of Desperate Housewives for through sweeps, so if you The Readers want to be fully on board with Monday-morning vents, you know where you need to be on Sunday night-- inviting the parent company of Walt Disney World into your home for sixty weekly minutes of statutory rape, imprisonment, and illegitimate children.

This has meant a great deal of brushing up on back stories, and I'm really starting to wonder why anybody lives in Fairview. By my count, there have been two arsons, eight murders, two and a half suicides, a home imprisonment, three falls from great heights, one car bombing, eleven forced entires, one hostage crisis, multiple incidences of domestic violence, a pedophilia outbreak, one count of human trafficking, and two hit and runs. The per-capita violent crime rate has to be in the thousands. You would think Dateline would have shown up by now.

Oh, and there's been two comas, two heart attacks within one sweeps period, and one semi-case of amnesia, all in about seventy episodes. The producers are now officially one evil identical twin and an organ fanfare away from the Procter & Gamble Hall of Fame.

Also for some reason the wardrobes on the teenagers have failed to exit 1987. I saw aqua stripes on Danielle VandeKamp in Season 2. Aqua. Stripes, and plastic earrings.

Further Fairview concerns:

-Are the cops sick of interviewing Susan Mayer yet? She called them like four times in Season 1 alone. I am thinking that Susan has 911 on speed dial.

-So does herpes just not exist on Wisteria Lane? How many men has Edie Britt been with? How many, how many? And Susan will just go ahead and sleep with her ex-husband and her current one after they've slept with Edie? Does she not know where Edie's been? I doubt Edie knows where Edie's been. Susan seriously needs to have a sit-down with Ms. Huismann, who taught me freshman health and once made a very sobering, forty-five minute point involving stick figures and a tree chart about how sleeping with one person is like sleeping with every other person that person has ever slept with. Ms. Huismann would see to it that Susan would not so much as inhale sharply around Edie Britt.

(Speaking of Susan--whom I, you know, hate-- we learned in Season 3 that she was valedictorian. Of what class? One located in a single-room schoolhouse consisting of grades K through sixteen?)

-If I behaved like Lynette's children behave, I would be dead about eight hundred times over by my mother's own hand. People seeking an effective method of birth control should watch any five seconds of a Scavo family-centered episode.

-Dear Hollywood: Please stop watching one and a half Bing Crosby movies and begin thinking that you now have a firm grasp of the finer points of Catholicism. I have very little knowledge on how to be, for instance, a Christian Scientist, so if I ever found myself writing for a Christian Scientist character, I'd like to think I'd put a bit more effort into it rather than stringing together dialogue along the lines of "Well! I'm certainly not taking any Sudafed today!"

I have yet to meet a nun who goes about recommending annulments; and was never really sat down and informed that the Pope wants me to breastfeed, as someone seems to have done with Carlos; and I would love to know this church Edie Britt attends where Confession is apparently administered with zero penance, and also where she shakes the hand of the priest outside the confessional, then enters the confessional and raises the little screen. It's rare to even find a church these days with proper confessionals--most now resemble the Cosby's living room, complete with comfy chairs and potted ferns, and the last time my confession was heard, it was in a cinderblock alcove that also clearly served as a concession stand. When you do enter an actual old-skool confessional, you don't amicably greet the priest outside and then raise the little screen. The vast majority of people enter confessionals for an anonymous confession. That's the point of the little screen.

-Where are these people that there's only one florist shop, and yet Gabrielle has full access to couture clothiers? She's forever heading to the mall, and if I know my former models, a former model wouldn't be caught bony-handed within four hundred miles of an Old Navy.

yeeeeeees at:


Cbell said...

why do I have a feeling that even though I have not watched ONE episode of DH that I will end up having to watch at least ONE to keep up with your witty repartee?


E said...

I watched the first season, but then it just got too weird. I mean, how many people REALLY have crazy people locked away in the basement? (Maybe everybody does and I'm just not using my basement to its fullest potential). Next we'll find out that Susan is Edie's long lost sister and Lynette's children really belong to the gardener. After a while you're just like, "Give me a break!"

red pill junkie said...

Not fan of the show either.

But I like calling one of my sisters EVA LONGORIA. Just to piss her off ;-)

My other sister agrees with me BTW.

Pam said...

I watched the first season of DH, then lost interest during the second. Too bad you couldn't have been assigned to something better, like Heroes or Grey's Anatomy. Heck, I like Jericho better than DH these days.

Carrie said...

I watched DH during season 1, enjoyed it a moderate amount, and promptly gave up in season 2. Now I learn that Nathan Fillion, whom I adore beyond all reason, is going to be appearing this season. That alone is enough to make me tune into the wretched show, but understanding what you're snarking about the morning after will certainly be icing on the cake.

Also, I was wondering what you thought about NASA's plan to launch Luke Skywalker's lightsaber into outer space, since this is an interesting convergence of two of your favorite things.

kelebek }{ said...

I do find it a bit distrubing that my 12 and 14 year-old-cousins were searching for "Mutsuz Evkadinlari" (That's how it's translated in Turkish. It took me a second to catch on to that. It is actually translated as "unhappy housewives" At least you won't have to watch it dubbed in Turkish!
Are we going to hear your opinion on the 7th HP book anytime soon?

red pill junkie said...

Hey carrie, as for Luke's lightsaber tossed into the vacuum of space... they should hve chosed JAR JAR BINKS instead missa thinks!! :-)

Anonymous said...


Just read your Britney story at MSNBC and discovered you and your delightful writing.

I like you. I really LIKE you!


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