Thursday, August 02, 2007

I Am A Sad, Sad Love Child of a Wedding Present

for I know not who my parents are. Now I must stand before this audience of tens, and lament, for I am rudderless, and without lineage, sad and alone in my new home as the bride searches in vain for cards or receipts or an electronic fence collar or something with which to identify me. I shall contract a Lifetime miniseries by November sweeps.

I am you! I am me! I am every living entity which has ever felt unclaimed and unmoored!

I am a lovely brass plaque that the UPS man (Daddy...?) abandoned on the doorstep this afternoon. When Josh opened the box, he ran right upstairs and came back down again with a drill. Josh loves it when he gets to use his drill in a non-hairdryer holder context! He hung me in the foyer. It does not matter that the foyer is the size of a 7-11 bathroom stall. I am in charge of it. It will be a good life, here in the foyer, where I shall sit and listen to Mary Beth and Josh stand next to me, jingling car keys and screaming "ARE YOU READY YET I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT READY YET HOW LONG COULD IT POSSIBLY TAKE YOU TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH IT'S A SKILL YOU'VE HAD FOR AT LEAST EIGHT PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATIONS NOW."

But I arrived without a packing slip, and my first overheard conversation was "Who do you know in Tampa?" "I don't know anybody in Tampa-- why should I know anybody in Tampa?" "Because that's where the plaque is from." "Maybe you know somebody in Tampa." "Why should I know anybody in Tampa? Like I've ever spent more than four hours at a time in Tampa. You're the one who takes an entire working day to fill out the addresses-in-the-past-five-years blank on the mortgage application form." "Right, it's time I told you that I have this whole extra family and set of kids in Tampa. Let's go there for Thanksgiving."

Did you send me? At the very least, can you please make the people around me stop saying "Tampa"? It makes me constipated.

I am the bowl of a plate, dish, cups, and bowl set. I am part of service for four, so there are many members of my family. This leads me to believe that I am Catholic. I appeared in Josh and Mary Beth's townhouse after Josh drove a load of wedding gifts from Cincinnati to Virginia, but nobody in her family has ever seen me before. Josh has been using me to eat his Raisin Bran in the mornings. He likes that I am a nice deep bowl which does not slosh. Mary Beth likes that I do not clash with the forty million bunches of crystal grapes she has scattered around the kitchen. She would be laughed at very hard by the people on Queer Eye For the Straight Guy.

But apparently I have been teleported from another wedding-related dimension. At least Brass Plaque has a state of origin, even if he does totally hog the bathroom. Me? Ah, I have nothing--no clue as to who swiped a debit card in my behalf. Sometimes, late at night, when the kitchen is dark and quiet and Mary Beth isn't adding great globs of cheese to every recipe under the sun, even ice cream sandwiches... I weep.

Did you send me?

two thank you notes standing by at:


Anonymous said...

I just wanted to comment from yesterday's post regarding the 35W South bridge collapse. I live approx. 30 miles east of the bridge in Wisconsin but was born in Minnesota so I still consider myself a Minnesotan. There is shock, there is sadness and there is courage. We need to get through this and find the victims and give their loved ones closure before anyone starts pointing fingers as to who is at fault. I don't understand why politicians have to be such morons and start blaming one another within moments of a tragedy such as this one. They all need to grow up and do something constructive first like help the families and find out why this happened in the first place not who is to blame.
We'll make it through this and we'll be stronger.

Sara N

Anonymous said...

Sara, I'm so sorry for what your community is dealing with... I think the Twin Cities might have a lot in common with my own hometown, and so the shock and sorrow are reflecting all the way over here... as always, the citizens they are supposed to be serving are showing far more class, strength, togetherness, and resourcefulness than then politicians who are supposed to be leading them. God bless.

Anonymous said...

Dear Confused Bowl,

I can't help you with your origins, except to say you seemed very familiar to me, design-wise. And that's when I looked again at my own Target Club Wedd registry and saw what I think are your brothers and sisters: The Maison 16-pc. Dinnerware set.

This doesn't make a lot of sense, since I don't think you were on the registry of your new owners, but perhaps it can shed a little light on things. Good luck in your search!


JeanR said...

On a much lighter note...I gave one of those plaques to a friend as a wedding gift and it turned into a what the he#$ gift. She ended up postponing the wedding because of problem with her husband-to-be's visa. So now they have a lovely reminder of the wedding that didn't happen. And I was so proud that I thought ahead and ordered it so it would be in in time for the wedding.....I hope they can look back and laugh!

red pill junkie said...

Personally, I would have gone for "Hunter Manor", or "Hacienda Hunter", but House of Hunter will do just fine.

PS: On the bridge; terrible tragedy and a horrible loss of human life. I read a mexican immigrant died in the accident, and that a brave young fellow named Jeremy Hernández helped save the lives of 60 school children. It is kind of eery though, because in 1967 (40 years ago people) a simmilar thing happened in Point Pleasant Virginia... place of the Mothman Prophecy events...

Flying Fatality said...

Thank you for making me laugh. Sheesh. I think my sinuses just cleared out from the gaffawing..

willow3x3 said...

Dear Brass Plaque,
I did not send you, but I live about 15 mintues from Tampa. If you think it will help I will offer my services & stand on the median of a large road with your picture and a big sign that says, "Do you know me?"

-Get back to me and let me know. At the very least, I might get some donations from people at red lights.

Rochelle said...

My dad's cousin's wife was on the 35W bridge. You can see her smashed up car in some of the newspaper pictures with her inside waiting to be rescued. She has some fractured vertebrae but will be okay thanks to the efforts of everyone involved. Living just 15 mins from the bridge, I'm so thankful to live in a community that finds selfless behavior a natural impulse. Minnesota nice really does mean something.

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