Monday, July 23, 2007

Wedding FAQ

Monday, July 16 marked the greatest number of hits this site has experienced without an MSNBC boost. People love a wedding, but not a marriage; this morning I arose at 6:15 AM, started a load of laundry, made my husband's lunch, then sat eating a breakfast of celery while reading a terrifyingly efficient binder-bound book entitled Making a Home, written by a woman whose sons named Forrest (no... really) and Dallas (no... really) sautee vegetables and set up easels to paint by the morning light. Post-nuptial inadequacy crises, sadly, do not photograph well.

But brides and grooms do.

Q. The day before your wedding, you wondered if marriage would somehow make you competent or otherwise fundamentally change you. Has it?

A. Allow me to share a story from the reception.

Towards the end of the afternoon, I found myself very, very thirsty, but the groom and I had stayed so long that the serving staff had packed it in. This was the first rude awakening of married life: Once the wedding is over, nobody brings you things on command or otherwise focuses every molecule on celebrating the wonder that is You anymore.

In search of water, I discovered a half-full decanter sitting on the head table. Awesome. The water was halfway down my throat before I realized... that's no decanter. That's the vase that was holding my bouquet.

So the answer is: I'm way, way smarter than I used to be.

Q. How's married life?

A. Fine.

Q. No, we mean-- how's maaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrieeeeeeeed liiiiiiiiiiife?

A. Fine.

Q. And was the wedding the happiest most glorious most wonderful most Cinderellaific day of your life?

A. Yes, I enjoy days which are 78% dedicated to dry heaving.

Q. How did the City of Cincinnati celebrate your marriage?

A. With my very own four-hour traffic jam on I-75. Man, ain't nothin' like being married for 40 minutes and folding breathlessly over in the getaway car because you are positive that the entire guest list is currently sitting in various rental cars, suspended somewhere over the Ohio River, and if everybody did make it to the reception, the mashed potatoes would be goo and the cake all moldy and the whole entire day and subsequently the rest of your life just ruined, ruined, ruined.

Or, okay, not.

Q. We're girls and we want to see your pretty dress.

A. Here:
This was taken in the Blonde Bachelorette Pad by the seamstress to whom I gave a hem-dusty, off-the-rack clearance strapless poof fest and said, "I'm weird, and require humoring."

There were two veils, one for the wedding and one for the reception, because I could not decide between the Deluded Suburban Princess model and the MegaDork RenFest Attendee model.

The entire ensemble cost about 2000% less than the version that inspired it, and is also 2000% more awesome.

Q. Oooooooo, who designed the necklace you're wearing?

A. Oscar de la Cincinnati-Northern Kentucky Regional Airport Gift Shop.

Q. How did the ringbearer do?

A. Jim The Small Child Nephew bore the rings like a total godmother lovin' champ.

I saw this only on the instant pictorial replay, as at the actual moment I was hiding in the vestibule, clutching at my father with one hand and my equilibrium by a very, very thin thread with the other. Flipper, G-Force, and Oogie, program overseers and general bridal calmers, gave me continuous thumbs-up updates as Jim wove his way down the aisle at the side of Mommy, Matron of Honor.

People were placing bets on whether or not this entire ringbearer business would fly with The King, even though the wedding was presented to him as a visit to church followed by a party with a great deal of cake ("Make a wish?" he clarified. Well. Among other things.) As late as one week before the wedding he stormed into his big-boy room, furious with these horrible people he lives with who make him undertake such awful tasks as taking a nap, and flung his darling little ribbon-encrusted pillow at the nearest wall, pronouncing, "NO RINGBEARER!"

But see, this is why Julie The NephewsMama got the brains and I got the chronic depression tendencies: She presented Jim with a brand-new Dirt Track McQueen, for which he didn't even have to go potty to earn, slipped it under the organza ribbon of the pillow, and shipped him down the aisle to show it to Poppy, who was stragically located in the first pew. We will probably have to do this for his own wedding.

Q. And what--

A. No more questions, please. Behold, the marital dryer has buzzed. I shall return with further details, including:

-Bridesmaids dresses, and why they suck
-Curtains, and why they also suck
-A full casualty count
-An accounting of wedding gifts, including a bag of candles and gin
-What walking down the aisle was like (Synopsis: Really, really tulle-y.)
-A set of bowls and dishes apparently teleported from another dimension
-A thorough discussion of fingernails
-The presence of a checkers board and a shouting person named "Burt" on our honeymoon
-Why marriage makes hanging up a polo shirt and getting up off a couch extremely significant

dip photo (literally, in the case of the bride) courtesy of my cousin Missy, because she is awesome like that at:


cousin alicia said...

I really enjoyed your wedding. The directions given to us by your BIL so we could detour through downtown Cincy and allowed us to miss the 4 hour delay on I75 was wonderful. We got to cross on the suspension bridge! We crossed the river a total of three times four times that weekend, and only twice did we cross on I75, and both of those were going north where there was no delay. So no worries from the car from Tennessee!

HunterHouseMom said...

Now our days can go back to normal - having something new to read when we check blondechampagne each day! Welcome back. It's good to have you in the family.

Lois/Mom - No longer pending MIL.

Anonymous said...

Was is it the Poseidon Adventure Part VI, or Bridzilla Strikes Back?

Starnarcosis said...

I love love LOVE your dress. For the style of the sleeves, if nothing else. For even the fact it HAS sleeves! Also my highest compliments to your sister on her brilliant ring bearer strategy.
Congratulations again. Welcome to the rest of your life. Laundry and dishes not optional.

red pill junkie said...

You looked beautiful in your wedding dress. The groom also looked pretty smart in his black attire.

Oh! and that guy wearing an ARMOR to the reception? was that the usher? ;-)

amy lou the reader said...

Welcome back.

The detailing on your dress was awesome and lovely, and JTP looked great in the tux.

I missed you and can't wait to hear more about your wedding!

AlaskaMe said...

I agree the dress was FABULOUS and you looked great. Glad everything is FINE!

mike, always a groomsman said...

Q. No, we mean-- how's maaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrieeeeeeeed liiiiiiiiiiife?

A. Fine.

This was just the way I was planning on phrasing this question, and precisely the answer I assumed I'd get.

If nothing else, you can write a FAQ.

(Man, not being able to use suggestive double entendres anymore is going to put a severe cramp in my style. I may actually have to learn to, you know, be funny.)

Cbell said...

The pics are great! I cannot wait to hear "the rest of the story"

Lauren said...

Congratulations! Weclome back- selfishly, we missed you.

Monica said...

What? No pictures of the honeymoon? If you are taking a poll, I preferred the ren-faire veil. It goes better with the sleeves.

Kayla :-) said...

You were a beautiful bride!

I'm glad you're back, but I didn't miss you enough to wish upon you a boring honeymoon.

(RPJ, I thought maybe the guy in armor was a bouncer...?)

Brent Bowen said...

Q: What church did you have the wedding in? And has Josh the Pilot absorbed the meaning of "catholic guilt" yet?

Great pics, MB. Can't wait to hear more.

Katie said...

I ADORE your dress. It's gorgeous and I agree, it is so much more awesome than the one that inspired it. And the groom looks very spiffy in his tux. Congratulations!

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