Thursday, July 05, 2007

"But he's already got the license. And the ring!"

The only way to celebrate the birth of this great nation of ours is to hurl yourself into the massive governmental bureaucracy we so cherish as a people.

Meet the Hamilton County Marriage License Bureau, where the Bench of Doom awaits you.

Josh The Pilot and I did not have to sit at the Bench of Doom. There wasn't a line at all, just three computers with sets of rolly office chairs side by side, possibly so that one could wheel a rejected intended directly down the elevator shaft. The Hamilton County Courthouse is all about your convenience.

If nothing else, this provided an opportunity to enlighten the groom of his earlier assumption that getting the license meant we were married ("Oh. So it's like a hunting license. It means we can shoot a duck, we just haven't yet.")

We had to fill out an electronic information form that wanted our mother's middle names and then we sat in front of a woman who made us hold our right hands in the air, and swear and all, and gave us a huge fake license and bunch of envelopes full of crap and told us that once "the Father" signed and mailed the real license, we would get it back, along with... this was the absolute best wedding gift one could ever hope for... two wallet-size souvenir licenses.

This little present assumes three things: That you need a souvenir marriage license, that you need one on your person at all times, and that you need two of them. I freaked out when we almost went to the courthouse both wearing shirts proclaiming the University of Airplanes. I certainly don't need matching squares of cardboard pukosity. What do people do with these? Laminate them? Whip them out in bars as a seduction tool? As identification in some sort of emergency? ("This guy's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor?" "Don't worry, I can help. I'm a married person. See? Gold lettering.")

SUPer Almost-Married Persons!




















fifteen points if you can name the movie from the post title quote at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

14 comments:

Carrie said...

Believe it or not you use those - when you change your name on any documents or try to travel with non-matching birth certificate and license - you need that.

But agree, you only need one . . .

cou said...

I don't know the movie, but D and I got our license in Hamilton County too. Hamilton County, TN that is.

Toni said...

Don't laugh about the pocket-licenses. When (if) you get around to changing your name, everyone and their brother insists on seeing an original (not a copy!) marriage license, and it's a pain to carry around the full-sized original, especially for the fear of losing it. We didn't get pocket-sized versions, but they would have come in handy.

(What, you mean that a SSN card with my new name isn't enough? Sigh...)

Did you get the nifty trial-size packets of detergent and stuff?

red pill junkie said...

I see that county office is conveniently located: After you ger your Fake Marriage license, you can cross the srteet and get a Real doughnut ;-)

MB said...

But the thing is, they're wallet-sized *souvenir* licenses. For the name-change crap, I need the original.

amy lou the reader said...

For the name-change crap, I need the original.

The name change part is definitely frustrating. We've been married nearly two years and my employer has FINALLY gotten around to updating my records - including my computer files - all of which still had my maiden name attached to them. They totally acted as if they didn't know I'd gotten married (never mind that I was gone for two weeks for the wedding and honeymoon, or the fact that we had a son in March).

I'm so excited for the upcoming wedding...I know your day will be spectacular, stunning, and everything you want it to be.

DivineDivorcee said...

Holiday Inn?

Anonymous said...

The title is from ... Holiday Inn! :)

My mom and I also religiously watch Holiday Inn and White Christmas every year. Typically the first showings are on the day after Thanksgiving, which we spend in our pjs watching movies we memorized decades ago (okay, not that many decades, but you get the picture).

Don't you just wish that you could get all dressed up, like "Linda" does for Valentine's Day, and do a spontaneous dance routine with Fred Astaire? Me too.

Emma said...

Is that sunshine there? wow... can someone remind me again what that is? England seems to have become Seattle...

Anyway, wishing you happiness and fun on your wedding day! I realised it's my friends wedding the next day, I get to do a reading, yet I don't get to be a part of the wedding party... very odd.

ShannJ said...

Hey! I remember going to that office. Hasn't changed. Except the souvenir licenses. I don't think we got those. Enjoy the name changing. It's a great time. :-)

MB said...

Holiday Inn it is, The Readers. Excellent job. I want Linda's dress from the first New Year's Eve scene.

No detergent, toni. P&G is getting chinzy.

Rick said...

License? I'm supposed to have a license to be married? My wife and I do, however, have a contract, which as far as I know, is not recorded in any courthouse in the U.S.. For the last 31 years, everyone has been taking our word for it. I probably should record it at the county courthouse just in case anyone needs proof.

Can one be cited for being married without a license?

Any way, best of luck to you and Josh on your big day.

Toni said...

Souvenir licenses? As in "here, let me show you a photo of my dog, and oh yeah, here's my marriage license."?

Yeah, that's pretty hilarious. Do they have a disclaimer on them somewhere? "Not to be used in real-life marriage situations."

Starnarcosis said...

My daughters and I watch White Christmas (and since we got the DVD last Christmas, we'll certainly add Holiday Inn) to celebrate the beginning of Discovery Channel's Shark Week.

We've been doing it for several years. I can't imagine how we got it associated with Shark Week.

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