From the files of World’s Most Inappropriate Things to Discuss With a Bride You Don’t Even Know is a full-on discussion of various methods of birth control, and how they’re all going to utterly fail in preventing what we all fear most: Me attempting to assume total responsibility for another human being.
The Pill
Method: Woman takes an estrogen or progesterone pill at the same time every single day.
Depo-Provera
Method: Total stranger gives the woman a hormonal shot in her butt every three months.
Drawbacks, Other Than the Method Itself: Depo is also forcibly administered to sex offenders in prison. Awesome! I'll take one (1) lifetime supply, please!
NuvaRing
Method: Woman shoves what is essentially a hormone-filled jelly bracelet into her lady area each month.
Drawbacks: Really don’t want something I used to wear on my arm as a ten-year-old crammed up my hooha as a thirty-year-old.
The Patch
Method: Woman wears an enormous square Band-Aid in order to distribute estrogen cutaneously and advertise to one & all that SHE IS TOTALLY ON THE PATCH, EVERYBODY!
On the FAQ page, the Ortho-Evra people found it necessary to include the following reminder to the inquiry, “Can I decorate the Patch?”: “You should not write on the Patch, cut it, alter or damage it in any way.” You know why they had to put that on there—there’s a kid roaming the Earth right now who, when he asks his mommy where he came from, will get the following answer: “I wanted to pimp out my Patch for the
Drawbacks: Dropping dead.
Condoms
Method: Um.
Drawbacks: Ew.
Of course, there’s not injecting, inserting, or imbibing anything at all, on purpose, and then this happens:
Meet Alexander Matthew, firstborn of Carah The BFFE.
Doesn’t seem too bad, especially if you get Carah as a mommy.
no Saint Mary's scholarship for this one at: mb@blondechampagne.com
22 comments:
I'm telling ya, NFP's the way to go.
I've used the ring for 2 years - it's not bad at all! Once you get it in (which takes 2 seconds) you can't feel it at all.
MB, you never fail to make my day.
I've used an IUD for 4 years. You never have to think of it, at all. The only draw back is that is is possible for an egg to be fertalized, and then pass out with the 'flow'. Some regard this as abortion. (Which, being Catholic you might) If you don't how ever, it is a great way to not have to think about BC at all. As an added bonus, you only have 1 - 3 periods a year. AND, if/when you're ready to procreate, you have it removed and you are instantly able to conceive.
MB, The pill is your best bet. It takes some getting used to (remembering to take it and all). But it's nice not to have to mess with the other "methods". I have only heard negative things about Depo-Provera. I know 2 different women that said it made them VERY hormonal. I hope you guys find the right one. Good Luck!
I am forced to only use condoms for medical reasons and they aren't that bad. Icky if you step on them, but otherwise an effective method. Also, birth control can be altered my anti-depressants, just as my soon to be nephew.
I too am disappointed NFP wasn't post worthy...especially given the recent Hannity incident...thoughts?
the problem with most of all the methods mentioned (except condoms and nfp) is that ALL the responsibility befalls on the woman, instead of being shared with her sexual partner.
Re altering your patch . . . Glamour or something had an interview with a gyno who had a client, wait for it, CUT HERS INTO THE PLAYBOY BUNNY. And she's in there with spotting, lucky that's all she had . . .
Heya,
Long time reader, first time poster. You never fail to give me a laugh when I need it most!
There is a service you can get for free that reminds you every day to take you pill by sending an alert to your cell phone. My doctor gave me the sign up information with the prescription. Its super useful. I'd have 10 kids without it (My priest would love that I'm sure). I'd suggest Seasonale. It means I only eat 30 pounds of chocolate 4 times a year instead of every month.
I have no doubts that you & JTP will choose the method that is best for you!
Personally I've been on the pill since I was 19, and once you get into the habit of taking it, it's not a big deal. I've learned to take mine at lunch---I may oversleep some mornings, and I may not always go to bed at the same time each night, but very rarely do I skip lunch. :)
Good luck & happy research!
PS---Alexander is adorable!!!
Laughed myself silly over this. Thank goodness I'm over-the-hill and don't have to worry about baby making anymore.
Love ya MB
Give yourself about 20 years and you'll be using the "just say no" method!
I'm a pill (and condom) user. I couldn't be on something that limited my periods to less than one a month. Periods are a pain (though being on the pill makes them lighter and shorter), but I like that once a month reassurance that I'm not pregnant. And the pill I take has days of the week on the case so it helps you to tell if you've already taken that day's, but it can't remind you to take the first one.
MB,
Thanks for the pict of Alexander. I thought I still had a couple of days to finish thier present. Hopefully, they'll be so sleep deprived they won't notice it is late.
I was on the pill but got a blood clot, remembering wasn't hard w/ all the other meds but check and make sure they won't interfere and cause other problems, like clots.
I can't see how NFP is practical. I know they say that loving couples work "the system" together, but just reading about it made me laugh: "You want me to do what?" As one of the approx 80% of American Catholic couples using birth control, I have to say I don't feel a bit guilty at going against Church teaching.
NFP worked fantastically for two couples I've known when they were younger. The draw back is that however as you get older your cycle's aren't as accurate and when you think you're not ovulating, surprise you are! My best friend was 18 when her youngest brother was born. Her two other siblings were 13 and 14, so her parents thought they were done, not so much. Same story with the other couple.
Well if God is intending you to have a kid, really not much can stop it. My friend got pregnant when she had an IUD in her. Even the docs couldn't believe it.
But whats the worst that can happen, right?
"I don't feel a bit guilty at going against Church teaching"
Anon, your comment is an insult to me as a Catholic, and reveals a grave misunderstanding of Church teaching which respects a new life from the moment of conception.
Kelebek,
Unfortunately you have been misinformed regarding NFP's effectiveness and aging. Studies show that NFP is 98.7-99.5% (+/-2) effective during the first year of use at all ages/life stages. This rate actually increases over time as women become more in tune with their bodies.
I have been sick all week and I cannot tell for sure, but this post may have been my long-needed cure! Thanks for lifting my day through your trials!
I've only been married for a couple months but we have been doing the NFP thing. My husband and I are both pretty happy with it. Oh, and we aren't catholic but since NFP doesn't stand for Not For Protestants I think we are okay.
"Not for Protestants"-- hee! That's a new one for me :) I'm so glad you shared your experience. I hope all continues to go well.
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