From the files of World’s Most Inappropriate Things to Discuss With a Bride You Don’t Even Know is a full-on discussion of various methods of birth control, and how they’re all going to utterly fail in preventing what we all fear most: Me attempting to assume total responsibility for another human being.
Method: Woman takes an estrogen or progesterone pill at the same time every single day.
Drawbacks: Every. Single. Day. If I didn’t have the propensity to keel over when I go for more than two hours without food, I would honestly forget to eat on a daily basis. I have trouble getting tooth-whitening gum out of the packet without incident, much less dealing with this first thing in the morning—presuming, of course, I haven’t already accidentally taken the daily ration eight times since getting out of bed.
Method: Total stranger gives the woman a hormonal shot in her butt every three months.
Drawbacks, Other Than the Method Itself: Depo is also forcibly administered to sex offenders in prison. Awesome! I'll take one (1) lifetime supply, please!
Method: Woman shoves what is essentially a hormone-filled jelly bracelet into her lady area each month.
Drawbacks: Really don’t want something I used to wear on my arm as a ten-year-old crammed up my hooha as a thirty-year-old.
Method: Woman wears an enormous square Band-Aid in order to distribute estrogen cutaneously and advertise to one & all that SHE IS TOTALLY ON THE PATCH, EVERYBODY!
On the FAQ page, the Ortho-Evra people found it necessary to include the following reminder to the inquiry, “Can I decorate the Patch?”: “You should not write on the Patch, cut it, alter or damage it in any way.” You know why they had to put that on there—there’s a kid roaming the Earth right now who, when he asks his mommy where he came from, will get the following answer: “I wanted to pimp out my Patch for the
Drawbacks: Dropping dead.
Of course, there’s not injecting, inserting, or imbibing anything at all, on purpose, and then this happens:
Meet Alexander Matthew, firstborn of Carah The BFFE.
Doesn’t seem too bad, especially if you get Carah as a mommy.no Saint Mary's scholarship for this one at: email@example.com