Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Not Ready For Her Closeup

I've gotten some emails alerting me to the news that Disney is releasing a Tinker Bell movie. As her nickname namesake, I examined the trailer for .00002 seconds before solidifying my previous information-free decision that this is going to suck out loud.

I mean this in the most literal sense possible. Tink talks, apparently. Like Brittany Murphy. So all that lovely chiming in Peter Pan... it seems that she was really discussing propane and Alamo beer with Uncle Hank, a mystery I would have preferred to remain unsolved.

Tinker Bell seems to have been made in the dark times, when The Emperor took a look at the reason behind the success of the Walt Disney Company and surmised that it had absolutely nothing to do with animation. The ink-and-cell animation studios were closed, because you know what's really art? Jar Jar Binks. Traditional animators have since been rehired, but not in time to save Tink from a square rack.

And so: Tink 3D. Her feminine, flowing curves have been soldered to an electronic frame. She's been given filigreed wings, every flicker of glitter precalculated, and a posse of fully marketable, ethnically balanced fellow fairies. She's part of the machine, now.

Duck the wheels, Tink. You may have highly questionable taste in men, but you don't need Brittany speaking for you. You're your own woman. Pixie. Whatever.

jinglejinglejangleclunk at: mb@blondechampagne.com

Dude, Where's My Comment UPDATE: I had some splog in the last raft of comments, and in the process of deleting that, all of the comments somehow went away. I am so sad. So if you don't see yours here, it's not 'cause I don't love you-- it's 'cause Blogger doesn't. Please resubmit them, if you are so inclined. We're soooooory.

8 comments:

mike . . . . . FAIRIES!!! said...

Good Lord. It looks like they put wings on Bratz and made a movie out of it.

danica said...

Okay . . . I looked at IMDb. There were all those fairy names and then a character called "victoria". Who ever heard of a fairy called Victoria? Is she the uptight prude fairy? Cobweb, Peaseblossom and Victoria.

Nicko McDave said...

This looks like a ripoff of Barbie's Fairytopia movie. My younger daughter will love it.

red pill junkie said...

I'm appalled!

I do hope John Lasseter does something about this. I mean, he DID stop production of Toy Story 3 when Pixar was acquired by Disney and he was made head manager of animation. But then again, he then accepted to make the 3rd part under his direction... But seeing the love and pride the Pixar gang have for their characters, one would thik they would do all they can to preserve the legacy of Uncle Walt, provided the suits don't interfere as they are fond to.

Also, does Disney really have the LEGAL rigths to bastardize the work of James Barry? I mean, the orphan foster house he bequeated the copyrights for Peter Pan should have a say so about this. Shouldn't they?

Jcat said...

Ummm . . . yikes. I watched the trailer, and when it opened on the fairyland with all the trees, I'm thinking, it's Ferngully, then they introduced the "fairy friends". So it's Ferngully with the Spice girls/Bratz/etc? Ick. Got a feeling this one isn't for anyone over the age of 10.

Rick said...

Aside from the two Toy Story films done with Pixar, I haven't been impressed with Disney Studios output since Walt went into the cryogenic chamber. Apparently, he took the Disney magic with him.

Chelsea said...

Uh, wow. I don't think I can even find the words to express my displeasure. I totally agree though, it looks like they put wings on a Bratz doll. Ugh!

Anonymous said...

And since when was Tink such a snot ALL THE TIME? I went to D-World a couple of years ago and there were Tink sweatshirts, purses, dresses, etc. all with some snarky saying and Tink looking all sexed up. Yeah, just what I wanted to bring home to my neices.

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