Friday, August 25, 2006

"Welcome To the Magic F*&^%$#@ Kingdom!"

Weeeeeeeeeeelllllllll, guess what's been deemed as The Angriest City In America.

That's right! Orlando! Land of craptacular signage, hurricanes, one billion percent humidity, and Lou Pearlman. We have the nation's greatest incidents of high blood pressure and workplace violence. We're number one! The author of the article is stunned: "Who knows?" he types. "Maybe living in Goofyville wears thin after 35 years."

Herein is the problem. The problem is the tourists. It's not that I don't pity them trying to get from the airport to Animal Kingdom Lodge and appreciate their diversity and the thousands of minimum-wage jobs they create. It's what springs from the tourists: the toll roads, the weavy driving, the $10 cover charges, the inability to fly anywhere on the cheap. "You must go to Disney/the beach/Universal" all the time!" people say to me when I reveal where I live. Yes, because I have fifty dollar bills and free time flying out of every orifice in my body.

Visiting Florida is a blast. Living here? We create the blast for you. The last time you threw a party, how much did you enjoy it? How much, how much? Probably not tremendously. You were refilling the ice cube trays, making runs to the wine cooler aisle, mopping up the fluids, surveying the damage, and being all, "Dude... no. That's where I sleep."

Such is the life of a citizen of Orlando. Refilling the ice cube trays for the rest of the world. Not only are we watching other people having the good time we can't afford, we're on the clock in the process. You try making a living from the inside of a Dopey costume or dressed like this. See how relaxed you are.



thebuxomwench said...

There are just so many parallels here between The Swamp and my own little Sunshine State that this just plain old made me laugh out loud :). Just too, too true :).

Monica said...

It looks like the entire state of Florida is angry. Four out of the top ten angry cities are located in Florida. Well, I'm doing my part. I have never been to Florida. Now that I know it's such a powder keg of rage, I'll stay away. My own adopted city of Cincinnati is only number 34 on the list. I'll be busy doing my part to move us up in the rankings. I am such an overachiever!

Cbell said...

Wow! My city is number 5! How cool is that? We're usually only on those polls that talk about underage pregnancy or poor school scores. We're moving up in the world now!

I traveled to the Orlando area quite often for the past three years, because some friends moved there and I HAD to go visit them. Now they have relocated to the Destin area, which is much closer to me, and they are much closer to the beach. But I must say... I always enjoyed those HOURS spent on the Florida interstate system between Orlando and Lakeland. Fun, Fun, Fun!

Anonymous said...

I feel you pain, even if my city is only number 84. My feelings on tourists: Welcome to Alaska. Leave you money and go home.

donidaz said...

Anger + concealed-carry laws. No wonder Carl Hiaasen never runs out of material.

Pam said...

I am shocked New York City is so far down the list -- NYC used to pride itself on its anger. They must have really mellowed out.

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