Thursday, July 20, 2006

Further Proof

Non-worldwide distributed photos from this month's Pepsi 400 here in The Swamp. I feel I must point out that these are in no way a substitute for an actual NASCAR race, but if you want the same effect, scroll through them very quickly and have a friend or coworker scream "RRRRRRRAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!" directly into your ear. It's about the same thing.

All the drivers have these Whorin' Vans from which they sell merchandise. You can pay as little as $25 for the privilege of acting as walking advertising for Office Max or Cheez-its or Target! Sweet!

The more popular a driver, the bigger his Whorin' Van. Dale Earnhardt had the largest. Part of me wanted to tap the shoulders of the people in line and say very brightly, "Do you think you can get him to autograph that hat?" but the rest of me doubts I would enjoy hell, or a beating, very much, so I refrained.

Because it's just not An Event without eight-foot-high french fries, Daytona Beach International Speedway became the world's densest concentration of large inflatable objects.

Actually overheard on a loudspeaker moments after I snapped this picture: "We got plenty of Slim Jims here." Slim Jims AND Kennedy-sized bottles of Jim Beam. I do not understand why NASCAR has this reputation as a redneck sport.

'Tis a fine nation that can produce a flatbed truck with the sole purpose of supporting the Great Pepsi Testicle for four days. Bow down, mortals! Bow down before the August Looming Pepsi Ball!

These are the vans that carry the cars to the track, which are different, okay, from the Whorin' Vans and the RV's that carry the drivers and pit crew transports. We are standing above Jeff Gordon's garage, which has little glass windows with slits for the faithful to shove their hats and shirts and boobs through for autographs. Oogie and I stood and stared into Jeff's garage for quite some time. His car wasn't in there, but his pit crew was. And Jeff clearly has some sort of Hot Guy Affirmative Action Hiring Program. It's like you can't even apply unless you're at least a 7.8. Josh the Pilot took a picture of one of them at our behest, but, WHOOPS, darnit all, it came out all blurry. Mmmm-hmmmm.

This is me and Josh the Pilot standing on the track, which has like this 90 degree angle on the banks. Perhaps this is why everybody crashes so much. We sat on the slope at one point to enjoy the Human Hilarity Parade (basically the entire event was a county fair sponsored by Tire Discounters), and somebody sitting at the top of the incline spilled a very fast-moving liquid. I do not wish to know what it was.

I will also have you note the security tape surrounding the Pepsi logo in the middle of the infield. Okay, the Vice President of the United States showed up to this thing. Well, screw the second-in-command... make sure the Pepsi logo is okay, because if just anyone can walk on the grass paint, then the terrorists win.

Most people sign the wall near the finish line. I corrected everybody's grammar.

Apparently it is okay for the general public to trample the NEXTEL logo. I was very sad there wasn't a Cingular logo available for me to stomp on.

LOOK, EVERYBODY, IT'S JEFF GORDON AND ALSO SOME OTHER GUY, I THINK. Jeff is Josh's NASCAR boyfriend. We have... an understanding.

Oh, oh! What's going to happen next? Do you think they're gonna turn left for three hours?

At one point I went shopping. There was a romance novel for sale advertised as "NASCAR Fiction For Women." Title: In the Groove. Man. That massive NASCAR fiction for women market whizzed right past me.

"Is it my turn to use the headphones yet?"




beer was $7 at:


tamar said...

Just a harmless observation from a happily married woman.....


He's that cute, AND a pilot!!!!


Anonymous said...

I'm not a redneck, I just married into the biggest redneck family of all time. They would rudely tell you its "Jim Beam" not Jim Bean but I'm a nice civilized person who hates racing. I'll just point out a typo to you.
JTP is a hottie!

MB said...

Thanks anon. Posting and 2 AM just don't mix. Fixed it :)

mike the kinda-sorta nascar fan said...

I think the wear needs a Whorin' Van.

Also, I presume you meant "Dale Earnhardt, Jr." instead of "Dale Earnhardt." If everything was red, it's Junior's. Dale Earnhardt, Sr. was killed about half a mile from where you put your John Hancock.

MB said...

Nope, I meant Sr. Hence the horribleness of asking whether or not these folks were intent upon an autograph.

Josh The Pilot said...

Thanks girls! And guys, feel free to compliment MB on her incredible beauty... I won't mind... this once...

Jenib said...

MB, You are just an enchanting creature. Out of all the pictures, all I could notice was your dazzling beauty. You are a painting come to life. If I were to ever go the way of the fence, you would be my muse...educated, sophisticated, witty. Oh, if only I could be you.(there ya go, JTP...was that good?)

Thank you for this article. I now know how it feels to snort Diet Coke out of my nose...


MB said...

JeniB is my new heterosexual life partner, everybody! Thaaaaank you, Jeni :)

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