Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Unpopinions, Volume IV

-Punching Holes In Babies Is Not a Good Thing

I realize that in some cultures, this is the norm, and that’s cool, but I fail to understand this business of piercing the ears of infant girls. It’s just this grown-up thing on a tiny little body, and we don’t subject boy babies to anything so permanent. (Well, okay, the whole circumcision thing. But that’s not so much of a fashion statement, unless you’re Harvey Keitel.) Earrings on a baby girl make her look as if she’s one briefcase short of a job interview in middle management. It’s akin to carrying a boy-child to the grocery in a monocle and top hat. Way too much pressure.

And—babies just don’t cry enough, do they? Babies are constantly thrilled with life in general! Everything is cool at all times with babies. Go ahead, breathe in the wrong direction around a baby, or present food to her .00000000001 degrees cooler than she's used to, or, I don’t know, shoot a metal rod through two places in her earlobes. She’ll love it.

Then we have the whole persnickety issue of unecessary gaping wounds. When I am with Jim The Small Child Nephew, all the world is a petri dish, and I’m tense whenever he puts anything in his mouth, including water. “Careful,” I say to him. “Make sure those hydrogen atoms have been washed off first.” So I cannot leap on this whole “I know! Let’s punch holes in our child!” train of thought. Maybe the baby doesn’t want her ears pierced. Have you thought of that? Rise up against The Man, babies!

--Dr. Strangeglove Made Me Bored, and Slightly Bilious

Yes yes yes. It’s a satire, and the first of its kind, and it’s lampooning the Cold War, and blah. I get it. One of my more useless degrees is in political science, with a minor in modern American history, which leaves me hirable for little more than to sit around analyzing the likes of Dr. Strangeglove. Parts of it made me laugh—the whole “He could see the big board!” line, for instance, and Peter Sellers telling the head of Russia that a passel of bombs was on the way (“Now, Dmitri, how do you think I feel about it?”) Maybe it was all the hype, but I simply found it not as hilarious as advertised. Kind of like staring at a cookie through Plexiglass, and when you get the cookie, it’s unnecessarily chewy rather than shot satisfyingly through with a plethora of chips. A sad lack of delicious chocolate in this movie, I say.

THIS WEEK ON BUSTEDHALO.COM: Wow, just... really... fun times!

as always, it comes down to sugar at: mb@blondechampagne.com

16 comments:

mike the longterm reader said...

If you think earrings on infants is bad, you probably shouldn't click here.

Lisa Chumney said...

Oh my, what the heck was that on that site?
I agree, let the kid decide totally on their own for piercings. Ironically enough, my 4 year old DECIDED ON HER OWN to have her ears done just today without any prompting. I thought that she might chicken out but she totally went through it. This is something that her father and I discussed before she was born. Let her make the choice. Let's not have it done to her unwillingly. There was an ELEVEN WEEK OLD there. It was sad.

Anonymous said...

As one who was pierced at a young age I actually support it - at that age they can't mess with the earrings and tear them out or fail to clean them, or remember the pain.

Dantelope said...

Pshaaa. Ears? EARS? You're concerned over EARS?

Good lord, in this day and age a woman with (only) pierced ears is a rarity.

11 weeks: ears
11 years: belly button
16 years: tongue
19 years: eyebrows
21 years: nipples
22 years: labia

... of course, that calendar COULD have something to do with being pierced at 11 weeks...

Yuuuccck. And *I* had problems just shaving my head. Piercings... YUCCCCCKK!!!

Laney said...

I agree! Getting my ears pierced was part of my 10th birthday. It made it special, and I had a better appreciation for it. So if you use Dan's calendar you'll find I'm due for a labia piercing right after hell freezes over.

As for Dr. Stranglove...It is important yet...blah.

Dantelope said...

Phone: Ring ring.
Laney: Hello?
Devil: Hi, Laney! Brrrrrrrr, it's gettin c-c-c-cold down here!!!

red pill junkie said...

Sure, Dr Strangelove is not hylarious, as in Chevy Chase-pee-on-my-pants hylarious. It's a moral and polytical critique, with humor scenes amid seemingly serious plots than are so incongruent you can't help but laugh.

The funniest part is Dr Strangelove, which I found was a nice parody of Von Braun, and the first criticism on his public figure, already polished and encumbered by NASA and Operation paperclip.

Earrings on babies? You are right, they should decide for themselves, but DO PARENTS REALLY WANT THEIR CHILDREN TO DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES? They could end up with a big-ass My Chemical Romance tattoo on the entirety of their back!

Emma said...

After seeing The Piano, and Harvey Keitel's performance in it, my best friend and I called the movie "The Organ". I almost didn't remember the real title!!!

Janet the Reader said...

Seriously though...you're going to bash the fact that some mothers (myself included) pierce their infants ears, yet you're going to subtly support CUTTING OFF SKIN on a child's penis? I fail to see the logic in that. Circumcision = unnecessary cruelty. Pierced ears = not having stupid, untactful strangers confuse your "she" for a "he".

MB said...

Well, I wouldn't call the post bashing-- it's more of an indictment, really-- but most of all, a circ at least has religious connotations and, from what I understand of that particular piece of equimpent, makes it easier to keep clean. (Gentlemen, I hereby call upon you to attest to this.) I just don't understand causing a baby pain and opening her up to potential infection purely for appearance's sake, is all.

I try never to address a baby as a he or she unless I know fo' shizzle. My Uncle Jim-- for whom Jim The Young Child Nephew is named (and yes, he had a bit of a snippity-snip when he was born) had beautiful blonde curls when he was a baby. The first time he was identified as a little girl my grandfather took him directly to the barber. My grandmother? NOT happy.

Dantelope said...

All I can say is thank heavens circumcision is only performed ONCE. Phew!

I hereby attest to your request for attesting.

This from the TMI Department:

Circumcision: safe, healthy, clean. And in my case, Jewish Soldier with Matching Colored Helmet.

mike the longterm reader said...

MB: circ at least has religious connotations and, from what I understand of that particular piece of equimpent, makes it easier to keep clean. (Gentlemen, I hereby call upon you to attest to this.)

I wouldn't know. I don't exactly remember the difficulty in cleaning my undercarriage before the snip. And considering the process is somewhat irreversible, I can't exactly find out how the other half lives.

You're going to have to find a recent male convert to Judaism, I reckon. Or find a different subject on which I can better render opinions concerning my penis.

kredin said...

OK, I’m NOT a subject matter expert but I’ve gathered some knowledge I didn’t actively seek. My wife shared some “girl-talk” and before I knew it I learned two friends of mine were sporting their natural equipment. This was causing lots of problems for their respective wives because of the continual visits to the doctor due to infections. The doctors had each advised the infections were caused by the lack of cleanliness of their husbands’ natural equipment. Apparently, more attention is needed to clean said equipment…but, I wouldn’t know.

Jcat2323 said...

Janet: How can you not consider piercing the ears of an infant unnecessary cruelty? At least circumscision, though it is based in religion, is now often done to prevent health issues (see kredin's post, I had only heard about that problems like that in health class) as opposed to an uptight parent being offended that people are mistaking a baby girl for a boy. Try a pink bow in her hair, it's removable and doesn't affect the child. (and you identified the people who refer to babies as he/she before they know as stupid and untactful (and I agree), does the opinion of the stupid and untactful matter so much that you would make a permanet change to your child's body because of it?)

red pill junkie said...

A circumcised man has a 40% LESS chance of getting a sexual transmitted disease like AIDS.


God bless my parents!

An I'm not jewish! :-)

Janet the Reader said...

jcat: The American Academy of Pediatrics does NOT, in fact, recommend circumcision because there is absolutely no SOLID evidence to indicate that a child with a circumcised penis will have less health risks than a child with an uncircumcised penis. (red pill junkie: I would LOVE to see where you got your stats. Seriously, dude.) What HAS been proven, however, is that a child with a circumcised penis gradually loses sensitivity in that area. People may decide to do it because of their religious convictions, and of course, I have absolutely nothing to say about that. However, doing so for "health-related" reasons is extremely ignorant.
Furthermore, when I made the "crack" about people mistaking my 'she' for a 'he', it was meant to be humorous. That's right: a joke. Although I DID pierce my daughter's ears in her early infancy, the piercing was done because it has always been a family tradition, (as is in most Hispanic households)and I did it with a CLEAN conscious of knowing that the piercing was taking place in a sterile environment by her pediatrician, and that my daughter's pain would be alleviated within a half hour period. I wonder how long a circumcised child feels THEIR pain. Maybe they feel the pain during the entire 'healing' process...ONE TO TWO WEEKS.
Go judge someone else.

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