Monday, May 01, 2006

Prepare To Be Bitterly, Bitterly Disappointed

There. It is officially May 1, 2006, and I may now reveal the SuperSecretDoubleProbation Project. Are you ready? Huh? Are you? Are you ready?

It's this!

No, that project would involve math, and also measures of extreme toolosity. It's actually this.

You've been hoping all this time for a puppy, I know. I apologize.

Two months after the contest deadline, after a night of heavy drinking, Random House sent me an email. "Tired of free will?" it said. At this stage in my career, I am in no place to have volition, so I was all, "Okay!"

I was one of twenty-nine entrants selected for anthologization (which sounds WAY dirtier and more fun than it actually is) in Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers: The Best New Voices of 2006, available at a pretentious bookstore near you on August 29. It has a link on Amazon and everything, which means we are less than two seconds away from Papa1961 leaving one-star reviews that are all, "I H8TED THIS BK, DON'T BY IT!!!!!!!!!!"

My essay is called "The Waltz," and is about... not dancing. It is not a good bathroom read. I recommend turning on every single light in the house first.

So who's known about this all along? Well, my parents. They're the ones who didn't impale me for failing to qualify for any single tax bracket thus far. Julie The NephewMama. Country The Brother In Law. (I told them after Jim The Small Child Nephew was in bed, so I'm assuming they ran right upstairs and hauled him out of the crib to let him know that his aunt was now a dirty corporate hack.) Josh The Pilot knew. So did my department chair, a large handful of my former professors, every single one of my friends, my 11th grade English teacher, this guy who hangs out on the corner of Mason and Ridgewood yelling "I AM THE CHEESEBURGLER!", all of my students, and, of course, Dave Barry.

Random House, God bless it, now has ownership of my very soul to the point where if I exhale in the wrong direction, it is within full legal rights to revoke my entire existence. Like, everyone who has even thought of reading this blog will be ejected, fighter-pilot style, from his computer chair and sent directly to the Random House attorneys' office (Notice where the apostrophe is on that. I don't joke about lawyers who control me in perpetuity.) I am permitted, however, to provide a sample of my contribution before the book goes to press.

Here’s a word that will be in the essay:

"The"

I know! I can’t wait to read it either!

the counter program registered the highest number of hits here last month than since it began keeping track-- best! readers! ever!: mb@blondechampagne.com

27 comments:

Halcyon said...

Excellent news on getting published! Why are you not getting any royalties? Are you just altruistic and said to yourself "royalties -schmoyalties"?

And in early praise - since I read the posted sample of your contribution - I have to say VERY FEW WRITERS have been able to express the word "The" in the way that you have!

Congratulations!

2xgtld said...

Such mastery of language! Such a great example of your humor and style! Such.... um- simplicity. We knew you could do it, MB!

Seriously, how very cool is this? Good thing you didn't just turn 30 this year- you're still officially 20-something.

So, how did that relate to the awesome photo experience? Is your picture in the book? And most importantly, who won the $20,000?

Mary said...

Congrats MB! I can't wait to read it with all the lights in my house on... but more importantly, you're a Dave Barry Bloglit? So cool!

Sarah said...

Congratulations, MB!! :)

stacey the reader said...

Congrats, MB!! I can't wait to read it!

CSchmidt said...

What, MercyMusings didn't count as being published? :-) Congratulations MB, I can't wait to read it!

aazmom said...

Oh, congratulations! I cannot wait to BUY the book and read it. You have such a gift, and I'm happy to see you getting more recognition for it.

my kidz mom said...

The powers that be at Random House knew they'd need a winner to redeem themselves after the James Frey fiasco. Shrewdly, they published you, mb. Kudos!

racheal said...

Congratulations, mb!! How exciting!

And I couldn't agree with halcyon more. When I read the excerpt ("The") from your essay that will appear in the book, I was moved to tears. I mean honestly, I don't think anyone could have said it better.

Can't wait to buy the book!!

HelloBettyLou said...

Congratulations!! We here in Colorado are so proud.

red pill junkie said...

FELICIDADES!!! :-)

Crystal said...

Congratulations and cocktails are in order, so I'll buy ya a couple.

lemming said...

Congratulations!

I sold my soul to publishing long ago. After a while you get used to the paycheck and muffling your snezes.

amy lou the reader said...

Congratulations, MB.

I'm very happy for you. I can't wait to read the book.

mike the longterm reader said...

I also knew. 'Cause I rock like that. (No, I'm not the "guy who hangs out on the corner of Mason and Ridgewood yelling 'I AM THE CHEESEBURGLER!'" I stand at a completely different corner and yell, "BEWARE THE DAISY PEOPLE!")

I've also read the essay itself, "The Waltz," and, at the risk of an ass-losing lawsuit, I'll let it slip that it features NOT JUST the word "the," but also "waltz." I tell you, it's riveting.

That said, I might buy the book just to find out what schmuck's schlock bagged twenty grand.

Then I will beat him/her up. 'Cause I rock like that.

Tripsymilkmaid said...

Congratulations!! I have been reading your site for several years now, and while I suppose there's a certain element of weirdness in the fact that I'm as pleased about the accomplishents of a relative stranger as I would be of my friends', the fact remains that you rock, and we all know that rocking nullifies weirdness. Oh, and your Broken Halo essays continue to justify my Catholicism. Thanks again.

MB said...

Goodness, such kind words. Thanks, everybody :)

To answer a few questions:

1)I don't know who the grand prize winner is

2) The Man Photo will be used for, quote, "publicity purposes," which could mean any number of horrifying things.

Attitude Amy said...

Are you really under thirty years old? Just curious.

MB said...

I am age 29, 3 months, and 2 days.

Thanks LOADS for bringing THAT up.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
lina the reader said...

Huzzah for MB!

mike the longterm reader said...

Any particular reason you chose the "Cow Nose Rays" entry on Dave Barry's blog to post this good news?

And I expect a full trip report of your drunkenness. :)

LMH said...

i've read the book already (because i work for the company that owns your soul) (wait, creepy thought, does that mean i own a portion?!)

i don't have a say in the $$ giving, but your essay was my favorite.

kredin said...

Dudette, that is soooo cool. Congratulations!

MB said...

lmh, seriously, you saw it already!?

Wow, you DO own me.

ShannJ said...

Congratulations MB!!! That is so wonderful!! Sorry I'm so late on the congrats, but work has blocked the comments section of your blog as a non-productive site. Go figure. At least I can still read your portion, I just have to catch up on the comments occasionally in the evenings. Oh, and please don't say that Mercy Musings doesn't count as being published. You can't take away my one chance!! :-) Congrats again!!

MB said...

Hee! Thanks, Shannyboat. I cannot disdain the space between publication in a book bound with a plastic comb and something backed by Random House. Wow, and it only took me a DECADE to make that leap :)

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