Monday, May 08, 2006

Cash On the Barrel

I have to enter a few more F-'s, then I'm done for the semester. Until tomorrow at 10:20 AM, when the new one begins.

At the very last minute, I was offered a three-week summer course, which meets until June 1. For two hours. Every. Day. I cannot bear myself for two consecutive seconds, so I can't imagine subjecting total strangers to two hours of All Me, All The Time. But now I'll be able to pay the rent, it looks like, so a lot of meeeeeeeeee plus a big heaping wad of dead white male essays will just have to do.

I'm also in the process of fighting off the biannual raft of "I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME AN A+++++++ AFTER I CORRECTLY FOLLOWED ALMOST 45% OF YOUR INSTRUCTIONS ON THE FINAL EXAM" emails. My personal favorite: "My final grade is a B but is really, really close to an A. Let's negotiate this." With what? Cash on the barrel? Child, the last time I checked, your grade wasn't manufactured in Japan in 1992 with bucket seats and an AM/FM cassette player. Negotiate.

Sometimes you can see it coming. One student, who was retaking freshman comp for, I believe, the fourth time, engaged me in the Conversation Of the Year:

ME: You need a stronger thesis.

STUDENT: I know how to write a paper.

ME: And yet... you're still here.

The student evaluations appeared in my mailbox today. I cannot tell you how much the sight of these make me upchuck. It's like reading somebody's slam book that is also cc'd to your boss. Comments weren't too bad (someone wrote, quote, "RRRAAWWWR!", and drew a picture of a house, which I am sure will impress the tenure committee), although one did put, "Contrary to popular opinion, I learned a lot in this class." This could possibly be a compliment. I will have the CIA look into it.

All I know is, I get to take a shower now, and leave the apartment, and return to some semblance of a regular life, so soon I will whine in this little box about the following:

-That one book by that one girl
-Gary Stevens' fashion sense
-Things that shouldn't be in the bathroom
-Tshirts
-Dr. Strangeglove
-
The eradication of Jiminy Cricket from modern society
-Mortarboard removal

You will want to be here for it.

preview: jiminy cricket is one of the things that should not be in the bathroom at: mb@blondechampange.com

17 comments:

Jenib said...

M'kay, I am not sure if I am reading your post right. Is it "Strangeglove" ot "Strangelove"?Either one makes me shudder. I did a google search on "strangeglove" and came up with this article, http://www.villagevoice.com/arts/0515,lipoff,62922,12.html


Please clarify.

Dantelope said...

The gay guy at the furniture store swears that Dr. Strangeglove is the best prison porn he's ever seen.

Whaaaaaa?

Ophelia said...

"You can't fight in here! This is the War Room!"

Nicko McDave said...

"Dr. Strangeglove" was the nickname given to Dick Stuart, a good hitting but poor fielding first baseman for the Pittsburgh Pirates back in the early 1960s. If MB is planning to rant about him, I expect that he must have played like a regular Golden Glove winner against the Cincinnati Reds.

Cbell said...

I have been anxiously awaiting your take on the Derby...

And I'm still waiting...

Attitude Amy said...

I hope there is no brown tip at the end of this strangeglove.

Things that shouldn't be in the bathroom:

Reading Material. I know that this is very controversial. And, if you have a medical problem which confines you to endless, prayful hours in the "room where legends go to die", then by all means, you are given a reprieve from the bathroom decorum. It's just that most folks don't seem to wash their hands as it is. And do you really want to read something after it's been in a bathroom. Jane Austen and Tolstoy are going to roll over in their graves if you take them on that long strenuous journey to the evacuation room.

red pill junkie said...

Attitude amy, I have even installed a MAGAZINE RACK in my bathroom! For me, the act of reading has been integrated into the biological process for which one goes to the bathroom in the first place.

Let me confess something to you guys. Here at my office WE DON'T HAVE A BATHROOM (Remember what I told you about my cheap bastard boss? well I wasn't kidding here). My office is inside this mall that never served as a mall, so all the "stores" are offices, but we do have this book store/restaurant around, so any time I feel the call of nature, I walk to the restaurant, and before anything I browse the magazines until the "oven is ready" so to speak. So one could say I have a gigantic
magazine rack installed at my work bathroom :-)

Attitude Amy said...

Gee, Red Pill Junkie, I'd first like to give a shout out for the rest of civilized society by saying "Eeeewwwww." I'm assuming you are a man. Secondly, I'd like to say, in representation of the moral set, "That's the same as stealing." I won't bother explaining why. Thirdly, "Please start washing your hands, not that it will keep you from spreading fecal matter to your borrowed reading/picture viewing material." Fourthly, "I just got off the phone with the CDC, and they've agreed to change the name of the 'Bird Flu' to the 'Red Pill Junkie Flu' in your honor." I hope it doesn't kill you too quickly. Fifthly, "Your immune system must have a resistance rivaled only by a lethal combination of Biaxin and Clindamycin."

Save yourself. You can still change. There's still time. You don't want to be known as the guy they write about on bathroom walls, the one guy in the group that's grown a resistance to Clindamycin. Your sex life will be ruined forever once that gets out...if you don't kill everyone off first. Be safe. Be clean. For the love of God, be sterile.

PS: I think Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle could really help you. You should buy (or borrow/steal one from your local book store/magazine rack) one of her books. I believe she may have a 'I-want-to-spread-fecal-matter-through-reading-material' cure along with a 'I-don't-wanna-wash-my-hands' cure that could really help you. I'm surprised Oprah hasn't had her on her show yet. I believe the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle books were written specifically for a man of your intellect.

MB said...

Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle! Dude! I thought I was the only one who read those books!

Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle!

Dantelope said...

Omfg, this is the funniest thread I've read in a long time.

If there's one reason reading should not be allowed in the bathroom, it's because it frequently leads to The Big Red Spot. You know... the one from where your head was resting on your hand while you read.

I have many fond memories of my dad walking out of the bathroom with a giant welt and I knew he'd either finished yet another technical manual or fallen asleep...

Congratulations, MB, on bring "fecal matter" into the discussion. I'm sure your OCD will kick into high gear when you read all this and you'll need to excessively wash your hands and change your clothes many times.

I know I did.

Attitude Amy said...

I just love Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle. My sister is having a little girl this year and I can't wait to share with her all the great children's literature that's out there. Besides, I am determined that she be an avid hand washer when she grows up.

I've already started writing a list of books for her to read throughout her childhood, but I welcome any suggestions. Any books I should add to the list, MB? (Since you are in the literary realm) Everyone else is welcome to suggest their favorite children's books as well. Thanks.

Oh, and I could really use some advice MB. My sister wants to name her kid "Saya". Yah. "Say-Ah". I am concerned. I can hear the taunting now. "Say yah, Saya" or "What ya got to say, Saya" or "I wanna lay yah, Saya" or "Say you, Say me, Saya." What should I do. Tough love? Let live? I realize she's the one passing this kid through her loins or having it ripped from her insides, but perhaps she just isn't in the right state of mind. Apparently Saya is in the Bible somewhere. She wants something different and apparently biblical. Should I just stay out of it? Or is there a way to, unbeknownst to her, totally manipulate the situation, while not suffering any "Catholic" guilt upon myself? Any suggestions on this? MB stands for "miracle bestower", right? I guess the name isn't really that bad.

Also, Dantelope, I'm very glad that your father had the "red dot" on his head. That means he really was reading a technical manual. I have found that most male bathroom "reading" material is usually Hot Rod Magazine, Playboy Magazine or the JC Whitney Catalog that comes for free in the mail. Not much reading required for those periodicals. With Hot Rod and Playboy there is a 90% chance that there will be no "red dot" on the forehead after exiting the bathroom...unless that magazine rack comes with a podium/book stand.

MB said...

jenib,
It's "Strangeglove." Don't let dantelope tell you any different.

cbell,
Getting there. Hold your hosses, child!

Amy,

Depends on how close you and your sister are. If she's walking out of the bathroom trailing an entire roll of toilet paper, do you tell her? Julie The NephewMama and Country The Brother In Law are very scrupulous about running through all possible horrible nickname combinations. For some reason, they are resisting my input, however, on girls' names. I cannot imagine why. "Freedom Marie" is a perfectly beautiful name.

But! Literature fixes all! One book I can't wait to give Jim is "The Life of Mary." It's for kids who are a bit older and it was my absolute favorite when I was little. I found it again recently at a Catholic bookstore and now it's on my bookshelf next to my Bible.

I would just stick to the classics-- you know, Ferdinand the Bull, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel, Dr. Seuss, Lady Chatterly's Lover. Sandra Boyton has some really cute ones out that Jim likes.

Beware, however, "Rainbow Fish":
http://exvigilare.com/archives/000342.html

Attitude Amy said...

I just realized something. Auguste Rodin's model for "The Thinker" must have been posing on a toilet while reading. Makes so much sense now. It probably does get pretty boring just setting there posing. He must have wanted to kill two birds with one stone. Three birds, really. Poop, read and pose. I wonder what he was reading. Thanks a lot, Dantelope. You've ruined 17th century Parisian sculpture for me forever.

MB, thanks for the advice and the book suggestions. I am only apprehensive about talking to my sister because she is very anti-advice. Receiving it, that is. She takes it very personally. She thinks everything people mention is a direct order rather than a mere suggestion, no matter how casually they may state it.

While shopping for my sister’s couch, I made the unforgivable mistake of saying, "Oh, that's a nice couch." She freaked out and said she couldn't possibly get that one and all the millions of reasons why, as if I was saying she had to get that couch. I was just saying that "I" liked the couch. I didn't say, "Hey, you should get that one." From that point on, things continued to get worse. She freaks out under any kind of pressure, like when buying furniture.

Then, after the furniture fiasco, she asked me to help her pick out a wedding dress. For you, I'll give the Reader's Digest version. I intend to deliver the full version of this story when I'm eventually invited to speak on Oprah. It was my Baatan Death March, without the bayonets. Just as a public service: the Seventh Circle of Hell-Outer Ring is located at a bridal shop just outside Dallas, Texas on the I-35 access road, but only if my sister's there. End of story.

I really do love my sister, I promise.

mike the longterm reader said...

MB: For some reason, they are resisting my input, however, on girls' names. I cannot imagine why. "Freedom Marie" is a perfectly beautiful name.

I'm sure I mentioned this before, and I don't know why I feel compelled to reiterate it in the comment area seemingly devoted to fecal matter and children's literature, but I'd like to have four kids, two boys and two girls, named Freedom, Justice, Faith and Hope.

Reason #28,973 why I'll probably be single my whole life.

MB said...

Amy, I do believe you have answered your own question. If she freaked out over A COUCH, imagine the pregnancy-enhanced reaction to child name suggestions.

red pill junkie said...

There, Attitude Amy, I just finished installing an sterile, surgeon gloves dispenser close to my magazine rack, in case I have the honor of you coming by to visit (don't worry, aside from some FHM and old issues of Heavy Metal, there are plenty of Wallpaper, National Geographic, Discover and Scientific American for your enjoyment) :-)

Actually MB, now that the book recommendation has been brought up, I have been thinking that would be a nice section to include in the blog. "What MB is reading right now" You could put your comments, maybe even get the folks of Amazon into it and make a buck or two in the process. What do you think guys?

Jenib said...

Amy, you know I am your good friend...but I disagree about reading material and the toilet. Didn't you get that email of the beautiful victorian magazine rack/telephone/dvd player I am planning on getting you for your birthday? It's so romantic looking. I am sure it will put you in the "right mood" as you go about your business. ROFL!

Or if you prefer, we can get you the one with the ring of dolphins around it? You will have to forego the DVD player but it's really cute.
Oh and on the baby name...remind me to tell you what my nephew's middle name is.

Jen

P.S. Would you like my copy of On The Road? I could leave it in the rack for you...

And Dantelope...I was worried that you were going to bring up the big red ring...instead it was a spot..chicken.

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