Friday, April 21, 2006


We're all still alive, surprisingly, after this.

Picture it approximately one million times huger, and in color, and you have officially not missed any of the horror involved with seeing the banner-sized version of this. I still say that picture is a touching portrait of a man in a Lady Godiva wig and a shirt from Wet Seal.

I appreciate all of your virtual support. Many thanks to in-person attendees Josh The Pilot, Friendboy Andy, Scott The Taller, and Fletch The Extremist, who must be met to be believed. Fletch is a business major seeking to expand his literary horizons. The highlight of his evening was stumbling upon a sorority's flyer for a breast cancer awareness event, the centerpiece of which is... a taco bar. So, mission accomplished for Fletch.

I read this, which no one seemed to like very much, but I had the microphone and was therefore in the right the whole entire time, so screw 'em. I felt it was appropriate, with this upcoming Derby being the first since I can remember without Pat Day. Furthermore, I knew it would touch the warm hearts of my students who were in attendance from the University of Airplanes, to whom I had just taught Seabiscuit, because only the truly great educators instinctively know that what a bunch of pilots and rocket engineers want to read is 300 pages worth of horse story written by a girl.

There was an excerpt from another essay about a fairly personal topic that I will totally tell you all about in... (counts on fingers) nine days now. It has to do with acting like a total tool, which as you well know by now is a way of life with me, but this was about acting like a total tool in a psychologically-diagnosable fashion.

But everybody clapped, and I got a whole free bottle of water just like competent public speakers do, and went to class today feeling fairly good about everything, until one of my students who was in attendance said, "You know how we had that unit on public speaking? And you told us not to say 'um' or sway or twist our hands? You did that the whole time!" And I smiled and said, "Easier said than done, isn't it?" while actually thinking, "I'd like to see YOU stand up in a roomful of your professors and admit to constantly assuming the fetal position as a result of everyday life, biatch" but sometimes, if you let them feel a little superior, they pity you, and sometimes show up to the next class slightly less hungover, maybe even carrying a pen.

Josh The Pilot taped the whole smash, including some wonderful footage of the floor, and I'm getting it transferred onto DVD, and I will put it on the website, which I have absolutely no idea how to do. So! You have that to look forward to.

I'm tryin at:


mike the longterm reader said...

The flyer says you read "The Waltz." Is that the one from your MFA thesis? I don't remember the horses.

Also, I think the DoubleSuperGigantoSecret Probation project might be revealed in the last line of the flyer.

mike the longterm reader said...

Oh, and if they didn't like it, the hell with 'em. Most poetry readings feature speakers you can smell before you ever see, so your lack of B.O. probably triggered a sense of distrust.

kelebek }{ said...

Yes, please put it online I want to watch it!!

MB said...

"Also, I think the DoubleSuperGigantoSecret Probation project might be revealed in the last line of the flyer."

You think incorrectly. One of the few actual non-blonde things I've done recently.

red pill jukie said...

Yes, I wanna watch the dvd, AND I want Josh the Pilot to add the Director's cut!

After watching Bring It On, he should have a deep insight on how to do that :-)

amy lou the reader said...

A DVD? Cool.

Sounds like the event was a success. Congrats.

Totally wish I could have been there in person.

Nicko McDave said...

If you read the flyer too fast (as I did), it looks like MB's experience includes "frightening Jimmy Buffett".

Anyone who considers that to be an accomplishment deserves to be a success in whatever he/she/it does.

MB said...

"frightening Jimmy Buffett".

I'm sure I did that in the process.

Josh The Pilot said...

The DVD IS the director's cut, and the director's commentary will be coming shortly.

Scott the Taller said...

Actually, I think everyone there was very impressed with your reading; I think Fletch was too, regardless of having pre-gamed before.

You have a gift with organizing your thoughts into a coherent flow and making it entertaining. Most of the time I can't even remember what I did during the day.
Good job, and let me know when the next one is.

CSchmidt said...

I'm sure you rocked MB, I'd love to see the video though! I remember the top 10 list from graduation, you rocked then - you rock now!

MB said...

Aw, thanks, guys :)

Jenib said...
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Jenib said...

Very cool. Congratulations on becoming even more famous everyday. For what it's worth, I adored the article you wrote on the racetrack reflections.

I am confused on the flyer though. Is it "Smithsonian" with an "s" in the middle or "Smithonian"? (I really don't know)

MB said...

Thanks for the kind words. jenib:) It SHOULD have an "S", but does not, because the bunch of ENGLISH MAJORS who made the flyers misspelled it.

Anonymous said...

I saw her speak when she was in college. She was sick and losing her voice but still amazingly funny.

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Attitude Amy said...

Concerning the picture:

Ok, girlfriend. Yah, it's girlfriend time. I don't think you look like a man in it or like you are wearing a wig. I think it does look as though you are in a rather um, pornographic position and someone cropped the picture to use as an advertisement, perhaps for a nine-hundred number or a place one might find in Las Vegas. No, not a wedding chapel or an all night steak buffet.

Sorry. I'd want to know. Do I have any lettuce between my teeth? No, really, you can tell me.

Attitude Amy said...

Ok, immediately after posting that comment I started to actually think. Crazy I know.

Perhaps I should have e-mailed that comment directly to you instead of posting it for everyone to see.

Sorry 'bout that.

You can of course quickly remove it from the list. Again, sorry.

MB said...

You know what, better porn than the wrong gender, I always say :)

Wait wait wait-- you'd want to know what?

Attitude Amy said...

Yes, I think it is better to look like a porn star than be mistaken for the wrong gender (Unless they are talking about one of those really hairy men porn stars. They don't seem to be really picky about the men they choose for those rolls).

I am still haunted with memories of an unfortunate event which took place several years ago...

I was living at Ft. Leavenworth (No, not in the military prison. I lived within the military instillation). I was working outside my home when the neighborhood kids came up to have a chat. Their ages ranged from five to eight years old. They kept asking endless amounts of questions. One kid kept telling me about how each of her siblings had a different father and how her mom had a new guy so it was only a matter of time before she had a new brother. At that point I was already trying to think of ways to deafen my ears with the tools I had available to me; a puddy knife, sand paper and varnish remover. I came up empty. And, I figured running into my house, screaming with my hands covering my ears, singing 'la la la la la' would not set the proper example for such impressionable children.

Finally, one of the kids asks the other kid, "Is 'that' a boy or a girl?" I quickly realized at 5'10" and 125 pounds, that a pixie cut was not for me, and that varnish remover probably wouldn't get rid of a small human body. I gave the girl my worst Darth-Vader death stare that I could muster(as he was always wearing a mask and I never actually saw his real death stare), and then looked at the tool shed, to the puddy knife, then to the varnish remover and then back at the girl and very steadily and slowly with my teeth clinched shut said, "I think it's time for you to go home...NOW."

Never got a short hair-cut after that. Kids can be so cruel...and honest. Damn them. Apparently Junior High wasn't over.

Concerning what I'd want to know:
I would want to know the truth about how a picture of me really looked, especially if it was screaming "porn" or "you're a woman?" I think women have an obligation to point this stuff out to each other instead of bullshitting the other person. Of course an e-mail would have been a better and more respectable venue. If I have a peice of lettuce in my teeth, then I would prefer a woman come up to me and let me know rather than go all day before all of humanity not knowing. It's the dress tucked into the back of the panty hose all over again folks. If I was in the bathroom and saw you about to leave that way, then I would see it as my duty to give you a heads up on the situation.

Side Note: Don't let a photogropher (who was most likely a man) ever make you hug the floor or a wall or a tree or anything like that, especially if they are going to cut off the back part of the photo. It leaves a lasting impression.

I think you are a talented writer and especially appreciate the confidence that you exude throughout your writings. That sets a good example to women of all ages.

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