Thursday, April 13, 2006

Snot Rag Special

It has occurred to me that if tomorrow I disappear into Aruba, or officially start garrotting students who what to know if this is going to be on the exam, or appear on a reality show, or something equally horrific, the media will Google me and find me here. This would be its first source of information about me. Other Internet detrius would yield a solemn sense of priority about horses and Cheez-Its and Obi-Wan Kenobi, but the initial hit would lead them here.

Comforting. The stories would be like, "Ellis, 29, hosted a bizarre vendetta against figure skater Sasha Cohen and the USA Rice Federation, but found comfort in eating entire pizzas all by her gluttonous self."

But the reporters would also uncover you. Aren't you proud.

I experienced in recent days a rush of awe for you. Through my page count program, I know there are more of you out there than who email and comment, and though you are silent, you also rock, unless you too are a writing teacher and daily throw this site against a wall and go, "All right class, here's how we don't do it." In which case you are cordially invited to eat me. ("Ellis also encouraged fellow teachers to, quote, 'eat' her.")

I have wanted to be a humor columnist since I was fourteen, and never even envisioned that this might be the avenue. Some of you have been with me since the days as a columnist at The Womb, or even high school; some just landed here. No matter how long you have been visiting, you overwhelm me. In the past forty-eight hours, so many of you have gone to comment at my BustedHalo posts that the administrator actually inquired if I'd sent a bunch of friends over to participate. I guess I did.

Now some of you have even taken the time to design an icon for me, which is again a shock to a person perenially picked last for the kickball team in grade school. I think I'd rather have you, largely because sometimes you send me money.

This post isn't particularly well-written, or funny, and it's a whole mess of telling and not showing, so I'll shut up now. I wish I could do better for you.

Anyway, thanks. Champagne all around.

sniffle at: mb@blondechampagne.com

28 comments:

susan said...

MB,
Surely you know presenting writing students with a contraction confuses the hell out of the little darlings. Any decent writing teacher would glare out of a haze of student bills and wonder just where we had failed while moaning "Why can't you be more like her students?"
Whoops. I used a contraction. Going out for another frappacino.

susan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
kelebek }{ said...

I saw this on Yahoo! and thought of you because you were asking a while back what a hollaback girl was.
http://ask.yahoo.com/20060414.html

2xgtld said...

Awwwww- we feel the love!

Which does lead me to a question I've been curious about for a while now... MB, you've been blogging for quite a while now, but only recently encouraged comments. Has your writing changed, now that you have a "real/virtual" audience? What differences do you see between writing a monologue and a dialogue on a blog? (THere is a song here somewhere...)

MB said...

You ascribe me with far too much depth, dear 2xgtld. The issue was an ex-boyfriend who used to spam my comments with entire articles from MoveOn.org, so I just shut down the whole smash. Since then, Blogger has given administrators the ability to delete comments, thereby making my domination complete. BWAHAHAHHAHA.

As you were.

amy lou the reader said...

MB,

You're most welcome. I am so completely thrilled I found this blog because its one of the few that actually makes me laugh intentionally.

Also, I noticed that it's usually family (from the branch of the tree you wish you could prune) and (ex) friends that cause the most trouble in the comboxes. Thank goodness Blogger allows moderation, or I wouldn't have comments either.

Champagne on Good Friday. Just what I needed to wake up this morning! :-)

Have a happy Easter.

Em said...

Hi MB, I've been one of your silent readers for a number of months now and have decided to come forth and share the love after this last post.
I've been stalking the blog at work for months now. It's excellent times.
If I hadn't needed new tires, I would have totally share some tax return love too.
:-)

MB said...

Em! Hey, everybody, it's em! Em's here, and came to say hi!

Thank you for de-lurking, em, and for the kind words. I'm very glad to know you're out there.

Whitney the Starving Student said...

Alright, I guess this is a good opportunity to come out of the shadows. I read your blog daily and it has become a welcome break from the Shakespeare and Poe...Lit major here. I was avian flu-like sick in January and took it as a chance to read your stuff from beginning to now. Thanks MB, for making plague just a little more bearable. You're awesome. I'd totally give you money if I had any to spare.

Mary said...

I've commented rarely in the past, usually as Anonymous, but just wanted to share the love back to you MB! You rock and I have enjoyed reading your posts for the last year or so. Keep it up and I wish all the best for you and continued success!

Anonymous said...

I'm another lurker, and have been lurking since I read your piece on MSNBC about Narnia and Aslan last fall. I clicked on the link to your blog (from the article) on a whim, and was delighted to find this good mix of commentary on academia (I'm a Phd candidate in history), Catholic...hmmm...
"Catholic-ness"(?), and general hilarity. I drop in almost every day.

--Kate

cropstar5 said...

Since I found you I check up on you for my daily dose of comic relief. THANKS! Just wanted you to know that I'm here and I love you (in a totally platonic, 'I'm not web-stalking you' sort of way).
xoxo
PS- I'm also a big fan of JTP. (shameless flattery all around, i know)

Owen the Reader said...

Ah, yes. Feel the love. FEEEEEELLLL it. What can I say, you're good!

Owen the Reader said...

Ah, yes. Feel the love. FEEEEEELLLL it. What can I say, you're good!

Halcyon said...

I love the mix of humor, teaching, catholicism.
Today is a perfect day to read your blog (which I too read every day now after reading an article on MSNBC). My husband is playing the guitar and singing "Climb every mountain" from the "Sound of Music" soundtrack. We ordered milk to be delivered by a milkman today! I didn't know that it could still be done like this in California. And it's raining softly.
Thanks MB! Happy Easter!!

Owen the Reader said...

Ah, yes. Feel the love. FEEEEEELLLL it. What can I say, you're good!

Miasys said...

First, I'm loving the title. Haven't heard anyone say 'snot rag' in forever, and seeing it in print about did me in. Woke up both kids with my laughing. Found your blog from reading your articles on MSN, which also make me laugh out loud, and actually use that rusty ol' brain once in awhile. I totally agree with your 10 sexiest men picks, especially the always underrated John Cusack.
Thanks for your wit and snark. I love that word too. And of course, for 'snot rag'.

MB said...

Oh goodness me, I've flushed out all the lurkers! Hi, everybody. I'm awfully glad that you tore off the veils and said hello-- thank you so much for reading, each one of you. Please do stick around. This is the best Good Friday ever, Tiny Tim!

Josh The Pilot said...

I have fans! Awesome! Thanks, cropstar5. :-) Anyone else love me?

Anonymous said...

Another lurker creeps out to shower you with praise! I've been reading your blog for about a year now and look forward to reading new posts every few days! I can only assume that you have many lurkers, like me, who are lapsed (or non-) Catholic and lean much further left than you, but still find your perspectives hilarious, thought-provoking, and often pretty close to my own!

red pill junkie said...

Seems to me we've got ourselves a pretty big club of fellow champagners now :-)

And of course, let's not forget the "Josh Rooters" chapter.

Katie said...

No, thank you, MB, for constantly making me laugh with your blog. And it's always nice to come across a fellow Catholic with a snarky sense of humor. You're awesome.

And yes, JTP, lots more people love you!

stacey the reader said...

Hey MB. Well, here I come out of the woodwork...I'm a college freshman, and I've been reading your blog all year. I LOOOOOVE it. You are my daily dose of comic relief between studying and cafeteria food.

I've never heard anyone say "snot rag" besides my 50-year-old father...love it.

Also, this is really random, but can I vote for the "imperfect typewriter font/champagne-drinking blonde" logo? Sounds perfect!

Savannah said...

It seems like today's the day for coming forward, so...here I am, another lurker! Gosh, I don't even remember how long ago I found this blog, but I love it! It's always the first place I go to for a good laugh or just a break from a long day.

By the way, for what it's worth, I'm a student. I'll be starting my junior year of college in the fall. I just thought you'd like to know that I would LOVE to have you for a professor! Your awesomeness is unrivaled.

So, three cheers for MB!

MB said...

Really. Truly overwhelmed. I appreciate all of you, constant commentors as well as those appearing here for the first time. Not even going to joke about it.

Mike The Longterm Reader said...

Come on, y'all. This bandwagon's big enough for everybody!

Kelly said...

I have also been reading your blog for months. I even referred all the readers of my blog to your blog after I read the entry on watching the Olympics. If I lived nearer, I would come take a writing class from you, just for fun...I bet I would be the only 40 something full-time mom in the class, but I would be MUCH nicer to you than some of your students! Keep writing...I love your blog!!
BTW, in case you are keeping track, I originally found you through a very funny MSNBC article you wrote.

MB said...

Hi kelly... thank you so much for your kind words. And I appreciate the link. You would always be welcome in my classroom; but don't let fear of being a bit more mature than many of the students scare you. Last semester I had a woman in her 60's in my class. So go for it :)

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