Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Ringling, Ringling

You should know that I can no longer enter Firehouse Subs, International Speedway Boulevard location, any more. This is why.

1) I came in, perused the very large menu offering entire herds of buffalo in a wrap, made my selection, and, when asked by my Hunger Extinguishing Specialist what I would like, I said the following: “A sub with only mayonnaise.”

2) He paused for a moment, and his pause gave me pause, as I was completely befuddled as to why my order might create confusion for any competent human being, and he said, “You… just... want two pieces of bread? With mayonnaise?”

3) The person behind me in line, I might add, was the assistant to the dean of the college where I teach.

4) As I waited for my mayonnaise and bread and—here’s a novel concept—other things within the sandwich, I stared into space thinking about what a ditz I am, and how I mustn’t stare into space so much, and really should pay more attention to my surroundings, and at the very least not answer the question “What’s your name?” with “Fine, and you?”

5) This caused me to miss the Hunger Extinguishing Specialist asking me, four times, if I would like my order to go.

6) I fled without checking my order, in the process attempting to exit through the entrance.

7) They’d given me grilled cheese instead of my requested sammich. But with two Oreos! I contemplated eating it anyway, but—no. I shall not consume ill-procured Oreos.

8) Return inside. “You’re back,” the Hunger Extinguishing Specialist said flatly. “We were wondering if you would notice.”

9) Shut up, Hunger Extinguishing Specialist.

10) On my way out the door, I attempted to throw away my receipt. The trash can bore the words TRASH in large letters, and for several seconds I pressed very hard between the R and the A, wondering why the little trap door did not swing open. Possibly because the TRASH I was pushing on was in fact a name plaque and the place for actual refuse was the extremely obvious hole at the top of the bin.

11) Witness to the TRASH incident were two Marines with many, many ribbons on their uniforms who I had unwittingly cut in front of in my eagerness to make a colossal ass of myself in their direct view. I’m sorry, United States Marines Corps.

THIS WEEK ON BUSTEDHALO.COM’s “CATHOLICS WITH LARGE, VATICAN II-ERA AXES TO GRIND”: More hatemongering!

I hear Subway’s not bad at: mb@blondechampagne.com

20 comments:

amy lou the reader said...

I can't stand Subway. I really prefer Cousins.

The club, no onion, with sesame seed bread....

Great, now I want my own "sammich" and all I have is strawberry yogurt and tomato Soup-at-Hand.

Mike Marchand said...

Quizno's is the shiznos.

Ophelia said...

nah...Tubby's is where it's at.
Yummy stuff!

amy lou the reader said...
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amy lou the reader said...

Quizno's is the shiznos.

I lost all respect for Quizno's when they made a dentally-challenged hampster their spokes...creature. ;-)

MB said...

Aw, that thing ruled! "WE GOT A PEPPER BAR!!!!"

Lizzy said...

Silvermine, although they cut the menu I still love them. They are divine. Also Smiling Moose Deli, they have a roast beef and horseradish concoction that will make you drop to you knees and thank God for putting them on this earth.

Josh The Pilot said...

Babe, does this mean no more dates to Firehouse?

MB said...

Well, just not THAT one. Or, we CAN go to that one-- I just need to wait in the car.

kelebek }{ said...

I second Quiznos. There is a guy at the one I got who always says, "Would you like some leeetucee, tomatoeeees, mayonnaiiiise on your sub" with the cutest accent!!

lina the reader said...

Silvermine isn't great, but it's nice having one in a college town. They deliver 'til 3 AM!

Those friggin' hamster things gave me nightmares. I was terrifed of toasted subs for a long time.

kittybrunette said...

I loved the Spongmonkeys, those little freakin' hamster things. Go to the Quizno's website and you can still look at them.
Quizno's is right across the street from my office (my real home) and has often saved my life as I drag myself to its doors everytime I remember to eat!
I love the Chicken Milano--yum!

Mary said...

Oh MB! Too funny! I swear this is something that would happen to me and I know the embarrassment you must have had! Thanks for the laugh!

And I agree that the Spongmonkeys rocked! I miss them!

We got a pepper BAR!

Anonymous said...

Aha! I found the Songmonkeys online...

http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song/

Pam said...

Any fans of Penn Station and W.G. Grinders?

Jcat2323 said...

Quizno's is the best when you're on a car trip and playing the Alphabet game, it has a Q AND a Z! (Yes, I'm easily amused.)

MB said...

W.G. Grinders.

Heh. "Grinders."

Jenib said...

Bless you. I hope your other days get brighter and that you find it easier to work the trash can on your next visit.

Anonymous said...
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Rochelle said...

I just about died when I read the thing about the trash. When I tried to read it out loud to my boyfriend, I couldn't even get the words out!

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