Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Twizzles

The Ladies Figure Skating final is currently underway, which means I must hermetically seal myself into a non-news existence until four o'clock in the morning, or whenever NBC deigns to broadcast the footage. I must watch so as to properly affect the outcome, which... by that time will have happened six hours ago on the other side of the world. But in 2002 I made the endlessly hateful Sasha Cohen fall WITH MY MIND and I have every intention of doing it again. Right now she could be sliding butt-first across the ice so often they won't even need to Zamboni for the next skater.

I am, perhaps, overly emotionally invested in the Olympics. We are all familiar with my stellar gymnastics career

even though in my actual childhood, the only thing remotely athletic I could handle was soccer, and 50% of all the goals I scored were actually for my own team.

I held an Olympics Opening Ceremony Mocking Party last week, which indeed managed to take place, as opposed to the last time I tried such a thing. This was in 2004, when I arranged a party on the same day Hurricane Charley made landfall. And I was new to Florida and absolutely could not understand why Friendboy Andy was unwilling to drive 57 miles to my apartment in 90 MPH windgusts. "But the hurricane is going to Tampa," I kept saying. "We're in the middle of the state."

Five hours later, crouched and crying in a dry bathtub as livestock flew past the window behind me, I understood.

As I celebrate every occasion, I did so via sugar. There would be cupcakes! I made cupcakes with sprinkles in the colors of the Olympic rings, and everybody ate them, and nobody even died. They were the Official Cupcakes of the XX Winter Olympiad.

It was a thrilling night for me, and also the Nielsen company, because last week I was a ratings diarist. That's right: For seven days, I was the most powerful person on the face of the Earth.

So powerful that this is a thing warranting its own, future post, but for the time being simply understand that I took extremely seriously my ability to punish and damn at will. I was very happy to punish and damn NBC by noting that we turned on the TV at 8 PM, as instructed, to watch the Opening Ceremonies, but for a full hour there were people flying down a mountain and no fireworks or hilariously attired athletes at all. Just... various talking heads that should have been chyroned "Tool Talk." I mean, by 8:45, we hadn't even attained Bob Costas yet. So as far as the Nielsen people know, the four under-30 people in my apartment were gathered 'round the coffee table watching Telemundo. When-- and this was far more culturally relevant-- we were totally still watching NBC, throwing things at Bode Miller and his Smoking Gun headshot.

Scott the Taller left well before we achieved Costas Status. "I hope the Olympics get better," he said as he departed.

"I hope they start," said Friendboy Andy.

I enjoy hating on Bob, as you may have discovered, but he shall forever rest in a tiny portion of my heart for bringing us the following from the Athens Opening Ceremonies:

KATIE COURIC: And here comes the Aussies! At least we won't have to put up with that chant this year, huh, Bob?

BOB: (stony silence)

KATIE: ...Remember...?

BOB: (hatred-radiating silence)

KATIE: ... Aussie Aussie Aussie, oy oy... oy?

BOB: (bolts an entire fifth of Jack)

As for Turin:

9:01 PM: Brian Williams would like to welcome us to the GREATEST SPORTING EVENT IN THE WORLD, which NBC will not, technically, broadcast, so as to make room for further four-Kleenex sob features about the Swiss cross-country skiier whose head fell off and dog died and lost her luggage on the way to Turin and now her goggles are fogging up.

9:04 PM: Things are very red in the stadium. Red drapes everywhere, and rollerbladers. We are now, officially, in hell. Costas stunned into silence. Andy deems this moment as, quote, "totally worth the wait."

9:16: You know what the world needs? Gigantic cows on wheeled platforms.

9:20: Flipper attempts to rock out to the Italian National Anthem, which she can't do because it's being sung very slowly by a little kid. The little kid is doing a craptastic job.

9:22: I want them to bust out the Shroud and parade it around a few times, preferably accompanied by "I'm Too Sexy For My Shroud." I DEMAND A SHROUD, TURIN.

9:35: The athletes. Why disco? Why?

9:41: There are more people currently in my one-bedroom apartment than in entirety of some of these nations.

9:44: Moldova? Seriously. Moldova?

9:47: Bob Costas: "You will not miss a single country!" Ohhhhhhhhh, thank God. How are they doing this? Picking right up where they left off after a commercial break? Thou art magic, NBC!

10:02: Here comes another piece-of-crap country with one athlete. Also, his peeps.

10:04: Andy completely and totally ruins one of my very favorite commercials, which features a mother bathing her infant in the kitchen sink. Andy thinks the ad would be vastly improved if she turned on the garbage disposal. I kind of hate Andy sometimes.

10:07: Germany. Why the bile green on the athletes, O Nation of forefathers? I hereby renounce Germany.

10:10: India has 1.4 billion people and nine athletes. How did they feel about the rolling cows?

10:17: Brian Williams is full of Fun Facts. He's Fun Facts Brian Williams! Did you know that Iceland has the highest per capita of discos per person? Did you know that Brian Williams makes me want to remove my own intestines with a salad fork?

10:31: What would be awesome was if the Polish athletes came in wearing Pope hats.

10:42: Costas introduces a nation whose name I don't quite catch. I inhale sharply and run from the kitchen, where I have been fetching further Official Cupcakes, all, "Did he just say 'serving a bunch of Negros?'"

Turns out it was actually "Serbia and Montenegro." Oh.

11:02: Gli Americanos!

11:03: Here comes Michelle Kwan with her walker and ARRP card, closely followed by the mouth-breathing Shaun White. I make very excellent snap judgments and always recommend that everyone attempt to judge others as quickly as humanly possible. I was once again precisely correct about Shaun White, as in the days to come he would win a gold medal in snowboarding while wearing his grandpa's pajamas and when Costas interviewed him afterward, he was like, "You're an Olympic champion! So how's it feel?" Shaun, very solemn, hefting the medal up off his chest: "Heavy."

11:19: The Italian federation is apparently represented entirely by pimps.

11:25: The flame, a majestic potpourri bowl atop a tower of spaghetti, is lit.

11:37: Continuing majesty. Four guys throw flags on sticks to each other. It's the Olympics! It's the East Buttcrack High vs. Forrest Tree Prep halftime show!

11:48: There's this guy in the middle of the stadium, and he's... dancing, and... and weird, and... now he's stripping, and...

11:49: Make. It. Stop.

11:49: Seriously, MAKE IT STOP!!

11:50: He's not stopping.

11:51: See, this is why you can't trust Italy with anything but pinot and the occasional boat ride.

11:54: Andy: "F*&# you, Bob Costas. F*^@, F%&*@ you."

11:59: The Olympic flag! Yay, the Olympic flag! Carried by... Susan Sarandon. Okay, there's a reason why this is the best motion picture moment of all time. F*&# you, Italy. F*^@, F%&*@ you.

12:04: The IOC sees Italy's Sarandon and raises them a Yoko Ono. Wow. The only thing that could make this worse was if Peter Gabriel takes the horrible song "Imagine" and somehow manage to make it even more horrible by including, as a special bonus, the smooth stylings of constipation.

12:07: It's worse.

12:09: We all look like the mouth-breathing half piper until "Imagine" is blessedly through. Oogie: "So what's the consensus on the most disturbing moment of the Opening Ceremonies?" Me, crying softly: "I think we just survived it."

12:10: Costas promises "a surprise" when we get back. Oh, please, let it be more cows. Dragging Peter Gabriel behind them.

12:14: Well! The surprise, which was previously reported at the turn of the Stone Age, is Luciano Pavarotti. Luciano has adhered four thousand square yards of felt to his eyebrows for the occasion.

12:20: Andy invites Bob Costas to, quote, "eat" him.

Other Olympian observations:

-It seems that Michelle Kwan, at the age of 107, has dropped out of the Games. Donald Rumsfeld is at fault.

-Why do the medals look like the IOC cleaned out the "Very Large Washer" aisle at Home Depot?

-Best Olympic Moment: NBC was profiling one of the American women downhill skiiers. She's my favorite person in the world right now, because they showed her working out at the gym? And she was doing a power squat with a barbell? And she. Had. Cellulite.

-Much as I enjoy figure skating, I cannot seem to get hold of the ice dance love train. It is so weird. It is Hunter S. Thompson on ice. My very favorite ice dancing moment came several years ago, when a Russian team was skating underneath some big red tarp, and one of them fell. Because she tripped on the tarp.

-Jim The Baby Nephew enjoys... curling. Jim, your forefathers didn't suffer and die in the cold of Valley Forge so you could enjoy curling. No! MY godchild will like luging.

-There is, somewhere wandering the Earth right this second, a Norwegian bronze medal skiier out there whose first name is "Roar." ROOOOAAAAR! That rules. The Fourth Fetus shall be called... Roar.

-If Carmen suddenly ceased to exist, would the entire figure skating industry collapse?

after all these years, Katerina Witt, I hate you, I still hate you so very, very much at: mb@blondechampagne.com

Scott the Taller, Friendboy Andy, Oogie, and Flipper: The Official Mockers of the XX Winter Olympiad. Please note the wine at the bottom of the picture, which is mine and totally did not help.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good commentary. I happened to love the girls who held the country's name signs. Who thought it was a good idea to make them wear dresses that looked like mountains? And they say the figure skaters look tacky.

Ophelia said...

Tuesday night was the only bit of XX Olympics that I have watched since they began. Is it me or do they seem to be getting longer and longer every time? At the rate they are going, pretty soon the Winter Games will be an all year event.
Yes, yes yes...I found out the hard way not to look at the local newspaper online while trying to be surprised with the figure skating results. Took all the fun out things Tuesday night. And I sat through the whole darn thing, too.
I haven't decided if I'm going to watch tonight or not. Part of me wants to and the other part of me is beating up the other one with a little black baton screaming "Why? Why?"

I'm a girl, we're supposed to get all gushy over crap like this, aren't we?
These girls make it look SO damn easy. I can rollerskate and rollerblade quite well so you would think that ice skating would be a walk in the park. HA HA HA. My butt still twinges with pain as I recall that ordeal.

Scott The Taller said...

So THAT'S what happened after I left. I'm sorry the Olympic "coverage" didn't improve. Oh, and I'm sorry that Bode Miller was actually allowed to compete, too.

lina the reader said...

I have been WAITING for you to say something about the freaking cows on wheels. Is it weird that after watching the Opening Ceremonies one of my first thoughts was "I wonder what MB will say about this?"

I hate Sasha Cohen. Little Miss Crashed-Into-Kwan-in-Salt-Lake-and-Hey-World-I'm-Too-Good-to-go-to-the-Craptastic-Opening-Ceremonies. I hope she fell. Hard. And I hope people LAUGHED.

I hate Bode Miller.

I miss Michelle Kwan.

amy lou the reader said...

I didn't get to watch the opening ceremonies...I see I missed nothing short of a truly bizzare spectacle. I don't know which was more confusing, the period-piece people in powdered wigs, the dancers in cow tuxes who totally looked humiliated to be there, or the little girl standing all alone in the spotlight, like some one-girl "Children of the Corn" remake. Creepy.

I haven't watched much. Just the snowboarding, which was cool in that I'd-so-totally-die-if-I-so-much-as-touched-a-snowboard sort of way. Can't really say that I care all that much...it's no fun when you have to watch events that ended yesterday and are filled with NBC's great "extra" coverage. (If I ever see Al Roker in a luge suit again, I'll go blind).

Next Olympics, I'm so totally throwing a party like this. With lots of wine.

Red Pill Junkie said...

"Imagine" a HORRIBLE song?????

Now that's a first!

MB said...

Here it is a second time: "Imagine" is a HORRIBLE song. "Imagine there's no heaven"? I'd... rather not, John.

Laney said...

Now that I’ve stopped laughing and I can breathe…that was SO FUNNY! I watched the opening ceremonies off and on, but I totally caught and mocked the strangeness of the rollerbladers and their wonderful combustible helmets. I think Yoko had something to do with that.

Okay let me get this straight, George W Bush not only caused a hurricane which destroyed the Gulf Coast with a single sneeze, but he is also responsible for Michelle Kwan’s geriatric muscle pull? Poor Bushy.

Also, I am very, very proud that no one died from your cupcakes. It looks like you didn’t burn down the apartment either! Good Job!

MissDirected said...

Thanks for this post. I totally snorted at my desk, and just when I thought I couldn't be more ashamed, I got water out my nose.

This might be my favorite of your posts.

Ms. Pants said...

Oh my spleen! Eff Bob Costas, man. We need YOU out there doing the commentating. (Commenting? Comm--screw it.)

graycie said...

I can never again watch Olympic Opening ceremonies without your comentary.

Julie in Napa valley said...

Sure, the mountain dresses were wild, but am I the only one old enough to remember the poor girls dressed as snow globes at the 1992 Albertville (France) Winter Games? If you want a highly mock-worthy Opening Ceremony, I say the French are your go-to visionaries.

See more here: http://www.olympic.org/uk/games/
past/index_uk.asp?OLGT=2&OLGY=1992#

dondiaz said...

Geez, no posts for a week, and then it's like a dam breaking. The textlinks alone took me an extra 15 mins.

("It's not hate - it's a special kind of love" - he,he, that's funny :-)

Mike Marchand said...

How could you have liveblogged the Opening Ceremonies (with a delay worthy of NBC coverage, I might add) without mentioning the balloon-heads?

How do you say "What the f^¢%?!" in Italian? "What-ta da f^¢%-a?!"

(h/t Ace Of Spades)

DivineDivorcee said...

I am ashamed to admit, my knowledge of the 2006 winter olympics extends to what I caught on CNN.com... and Blondechampagne.com. I vastly preferred the latter.

"...Worst. Bridal. Show. Ever!"

:)

Kelly said...

I think I may have pulled a muscle laughing at this entry...my husband came in to check on me, I was laughing so hard! I've been reading your blog for several months and I'm a big fan...keep up the fabulous writing!

Silver Fox said...
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Silver Fox said...
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